Long distant grandparent

I think it's even harder in America than the UK because there is no automatic right to holidays.

This makes "family time" even more rare and holidays generally very short.

It may not be relevant to you and your case, Water69 but is true for a lot of US families. When my son moved to America many years ago he was told he would have nine days vacation after he had worked there for 2 years - having given up a job here with 32 days.

It is a fact that lots of families struggle to get together.

You say They came to visit 1 time in the last 4 years so all is not lost...
I don't know where they are on the west coast but I'd do your utmost to organise a (short) trip.
Lots of America is fine with a walker - so it's really the journey you are worried about.

If you can afford to go I'd write to them, tell them you are trying to plan a short trip and see if they respond.
I would not plan to stay with them.
Find somewhere nearby.

Good luck.

Hmmm i’m probably going against the grain here. But there’s more to it I suspect. You sound very much like my Mum. Shes 74. Only has me and my brother. We have our own children ranging from 2-26. She thinks she isn’t involved enough in family things. Gets jealous, verbally attacks us if we do something without her. But if she is busy with friends etc she’s not at all bothered what we are doing. And will actually put us off if she gets a better offer.
She doesn’t even live far away, but is very jealous of our in laws, makes snidey comments about them too. She says that she’s never asked to have the children (another story but she has MH issues) very ‘poor me’ because she thinks everyone should do what she wants.

Maybe make an effort to visit. Or invite them to yours. If they decline both, stop trying and just send the children birthday and Christmas gifts.

Our oldest son moved to N Ireland before 2 of our 3 grandkids were born. DS has always been very good about sending photos and FaceTiming us - he wants his kids to know us as people. And during lockdown my d-in-law was homeschooling all of them, so I sent arty activities they could do via Amazon, which they enjoyed. They do generally like presents, postcards and other tokens of affection!

It's a pity that FaceTime is out of the question, could you push a bit to see if they can find a few minutes every so often? We've been over to spend holidays on the very beautiful Northern Ireland coast with them, which has helped us to get to know each other.

If they only call when they want something I think I’d stop offering that something. Saying they are too busy for FaceTime is very unkind.

I hope you can use some of the suggestions on here.

I feel for you! My GS was born during lockdown and shortly afterwards my DS and DiL moved abroad for 2 years. I was lucky in that I retired soon after DS started work in Germany and as I wasn't working I travelled out with DiL and GS as she had to wait for GS's passport before joining my son there and I was able to help her with the young baby and all the luggage etc. I was planning to stay for two weeks but Germany locked down while I was there and I took the last plane back from Hanover after only 6 days! I had more cuddles in those few days than in all the time since, despite them now being back in the UK. GS is not big on cuddles except from his mum. One of the best moments for me came when he was staying with me with just his dad and younger sister and stumbled into my room in the morning by mistake. He got in bed with me for my only proper cuddle since he was a baby! GD is much more amenable to being cuddled and will sometimes let me comfort her if she is upset. Despite them being in the UK we live 200 miles apart so I still don't see them as often as I'd like, but we have WhatsApp video calls fairly frequently. I hope to move nearer but need to declutter before moving.
I have a few friends with adult children living abroad who get little time with their GC but most are in regular contact by video call. Sadly one friend has been cut off by one of his sons since his wife died. He doesn't even know why! His other son lives in the USA and he has good contact, despite the distance, but can't visit himself as he is having treatment for cancer so the insurance is too expensive. Instead he paid for them to come to stay with him and had a fortnight with his grandson!
I hope you can rebuild the relationships so that contact becomes a priority. My GS has sent voice notes to members of family (with assistance from mum) if he wants a chat. Could you do that for your GC to hear? I don't know how myself but hopefully someone could help you if you don't either. They can then be listened to later if there is no time for a conversation at the time. When they are older I'm sure you will be able to chat with them directly more often, but continue to send gifts and cards so they know you care. I have given hand made gifts to both my grandchildren in the hope they will appreciate them knowing I made them, if not now at least in the future.

FaceTime / WhatsApp not an option because they are to busy… how ridiculous… it can be done any time anywhere… I’ve had my Grandsons now aged 12 & 9 FaceTime me from the car, from their bedrooms any time of day or night… from an early age… do the children have iPads?

I was devastated when my son moved to mainland Europe with his family, I haven’t done it recently mainly because GD number 1 who is 10 WhatsApp me regularly of her own fruition, but when when they left but I bought a gadget called Sparkup which clips onto the back of a book and lets you record the story page by page, I recorded several books on it, sent them the gadget and sent the recorded books over 1 a month, you can record more books and send the recordings via the internet to be downloaded at the other end, if all this sounds too much for you you can buy individually books that you can record straight on to

www.toyshopuk.co.uk/reviews/sparkup/

You could try building on that relationship with your d in law - out of sight out of mind - you of course have to make all the effort which is a bit sad . Failing that build it with your grandkids ….

Too busy? If it was me, I’d FaceTime them….and do it regularly until they answer and get the message that you want to stay in touch with them.. So I’d be a bit more direct instead of (with respect) tiptoeing around. I’d also text sometimes, make sure I send gifts, cards etc for occasions. And if I really couldn’t visit, I’d ask them outright when they could come to visit as you miss them so much and would love to see them. I know how hard it is and younger people are always so caught up in their own lives …but I think you may have to make maximum effort to know for sure how they’re feeling as not seeing you in four years is in my view, inexcusable.

So sad for you and for everything your grandchildren are missing out on. We live 5 hours away from our 2 grandsons. Never even met no 2, weren't even told when he was born. Yes, I had phoned and video-called often as possible but dd made it clear she didn't want to talk to me. Our involvement has not been encouraged, in fact, last time we visited we were made to feel very unwelcome. Can't staying the house, can't park our campervan outside and sleep there. Numerous other things over the last couple of years. I have sent the my dd & son-in-law and grandchildren postcards, Birthday Christmas, Easter cards and gifts. Never so much as a text to thank us. Last week I received a WhatsApp from my daughter. They have moved, apparently have another baby, doesn't know why I keep sending postcards, occasion cards and "random" things. She said my grandchildren had no idea who we are and never will. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my ex has finally achieved taking all 3 of my children away from me.
I will continue to put cards and gifts into a box for my grandchildren, including the third one that I never knew about. One day they will find out that they had a loving Nanna who they were denied.

Both my grown up children have emigrated-I can’t tell you how much I miss my grandchildren. People just don’t understand how awful it is, but having said that I firmly believe that children should be free to live their own lives and do not owe their parents anything.

Do you have any stories about your own grandparents or ancestors going back further? I'm lucky my family is near but GCs love hearing about interesting or daft things older generations have done. There are probably things your son has not heard either. You could send them.in the odd letter (could be kept) and say here's some family history for you.

My aunties lived a long way from us and in the 1950’s used to send mail to us.A comic each and a little bar of chocolate…It was wonderful.We didn’t have a phone then so used to write thank you notes and drawings of what we’d been doing. It kept us in touch and made them seem nearer.

When I was young, my grandmother used to send comics. Bunty for me, The Dandy and Beano for my brother. They came rolled up in brown paper and it was so exciting to open them, read her notes and then read the comic.

Perhaps send them something like that, on a regular basis and then you can talk about their favourite stories in a card?

I WhatsApp our 3 long distance grandchildren. If i see a funny joke or short film on X, I send it to our 12 year old grandson. Anything thats online and cute, I send to our 17 and 15 year old granddaughters. Occasionally, I send them £20 each in separately addressed envelopes with a card and letter and they WhatsApp to thank me. We don't phone much as this generation likes to text. It's all about keeping the lines of communication open and making sure they know that you love them and are thinking of them. It's far from ideal - but it's what it is!

I totally identify with the distress caused by one’s grown up children emigrating.
Both mine have left the UK and I miss my grandchildren so much. But I believe children, when grown up, should live their own lives. They owe us nothing. So hard though

If they have a Tonies box you can record your own story or something like that onto a character for them to listen to.

Ugh! The Long-distance Grandparent, of course!

Definitely check out The Lon-Distance Grandparent. She’s on Facebook, Instagram and has a website dedicated to providing resources for grannies like us!

I can understand fully. With GS who lives furthest away and difficult to visit due to distance I sent him little presents eg a packet of shark's teeth, plastic dinosaur footprint, colouring books linked to what I knew he was interested in at the time, even a subscrption to Junior National Geographic (not as stuffy as you'd imagine) so at least once a month we were sble to chat about what was in it that interested him. Visit places of historical interest and you can find loads of inexpensive unusual items children are interested. Also take photos even if just something in the local park, seaside, bus,train station, anywhere lical abd send tgem to GC with a note giving detals and why you were there. You don't need to spend a fortune, contact every few weeks will hopefully help with linking to them.

Predictive text is really annoying you check before you post and it somehow still changes

Spent on us dorry

My father sent my two a card o every month on their birthdate saying congratulations you are now 6 years and 2 month carried on till they were 14. Parcels for 6month birthdates and of course every birthday. My parents visited twice a year all their lives after dad died my mum came a month at the time. They could have seen the world for the money they son us. But longed to see us instead. We were so lucky to have such supportive parents. My husband’s parents died before we married.

I started writing small stories for my grandson during Covid lockdown. He was four at that time. I sent them as e-mail attachments to his mother once a week.

Obviously, if your grandchildren's parents are pressed for time, they may not appreciate having to read short stories with plenty of pictures, but the nine year old can surely manage to read aloud for the younger one.

My recipe is masses of photos and as little text as possible, and make sure the photos are in jpg,format, otherwise the attachments become too heavy to send.

She is very close to her family. She seems nice but I am definitely not important to both of them.. My son goes along with her. I think they do not even think about me.