Neuro diverse adult daughter

She is happily married, with a busy social life, a good job and chats on Whattsapp. I dont understand what the problem is.

No similar experience but she sounds as if she's doing extremely well which is surely all that really matters.

Yes you're right

Our DD was diagnosed high functioning Autism and ADHD last year in her mid 30s.Her sister urged her to get a diagnosis -as a teacher she was very alert to the signs.It has made a big difference in that it explains a lot of her behaviour in the past .And why sometimes I felt she was 'different'.Now I see how much she struggled with emotions and could feel overwhelmed. I just used to think she was moody and often felt hurt by how brusque she could be.
Like your daughter she has a good job,a great work ethic and is a good mum but has recently split up with her partner.Tbh he made life harder as he was terrible with money and other than his job pretty lazy so caused a lot of stress.We are lucky she lives very close.I appreciate that if anything I now feel a lot closer to her.Having her children who we help with regularly ,and now getting diagnosed I feel she understands herself better - and also appreciates her family more.A great relief actually. I'm sorry you're feeling less connected to your DD.I know how my heart used to ache when our DD felt like a stranger.Just keep communicating however you can.Even Whats app.It sounds like she has a busy ,full life which is something to be grateful for.

Very similar experience to Washerwoman with our daughter. Recently we were having a family lunch, and she said she thought she might be autistic. Around the table, everyone, including her husband, chorused "Yes"! She considered getting diagnosed, but at 40, decided it wasn't worth it. We realised some level of autism runs in the family, and recognising it has helped.

Our daughter was always socially awkward, but a high achiever academically. I don't know if it would have helped her if she had been diagnosed as a child, but it might have helped us understand her better.

Why is she hard work if she is an adult and seemingly fully independent from you?

I may have misunderstood something

I really don’t understand this. She sounds like she’s doing really well. So what does it matter that she has autism/ADHD? People have worse lives without being neurodivergent. It doesn’t appear to have held her back at all. Maybe that’s just her preferred method of communication with you?

You have all my empathy!

Our DD, now 27, was diagnosed, as an adult, with autism, and just this week, with ADHD.

She’s a primary school teacher, married, living with her wife with us to save for a deposit for a house and will hopefully be moving out early next year (🙏🙏🙏)

We love her dearly, but she’s extremely hard work. She’s high functioning and masks, which is very common for females with autism, so this exhausts her so when at home, with comfortable, familiar and safe people, she can let go and be her real self

I know this all sounds a bit crazy, but until you’ve directly experienced having adult children, grandchildren, siblings, it’s difficult to understand or explain.

I do not know what it is like living in a family in which neurodiversty isn't the norm: dyspraxia, ADHD, possibly autism. Now into the 4th generation at least and common in my wider family.

It is all these neuronormal people that cause me all the grief.

I htink the OP's problem is that she would like to see and have voice contact more with her daughter and I do understand that. My sister hates talking on the phone and we live some distance apart and it is difficult to have a continuing relationship when contact is indirect.

We have started going away for a weekend together once or twice a year. Would something like that workfor you Ziggy

Our DD loathes the phone! WhatsApp messages work far better for her.

That really resonates Cossy.Now I see why sometimes DD caused tension at family occasions. She had been 'masking ' as you said at work and in the company of others so once amongst family and familiarity just needed to let go of all that suppressed energy and emotion.

What is the difficulty? Perhaps just accept her as she is?

I have ADD, not the H bit. I dislike phone calls - finding phones intrusive, preferring email for communication. Maybe just "talk" as she wishes?

I can only pray my daughter to grow up and be that well sorted in life

Milsa

I can only pray my daughter to grow up and be that well sorted in life

Most neurodiverse children grow up to be neurodiverse people functioning in the normal world, with a few hiccups , admittedly, but otherwise doing quite well.

I have had a successful and balanced life despite having dyspraxia and ADHD, as have both children. DD decided quite young that she was too uncompromising to cope with living with anyone, or having children and lives happily on her own, but happy and popular with friends at home aand work.

DS is married with a neurally diverse son, whose life is complicated by an unassociated health problem inherited from his mother. Despite that he is doing well.

Life has become much easier recently because the problem has been recognised and much more information about neural diversity. I now know that my problem using a smart phone is caused by dyspraxia not stupidity, that my preference to email is normal (for ND people) as is jabbering, when stressed.

Of course some neurally diverse children/adults have problems, but most of us manage OK.

Sounds as if you have done an excellent parenting job, Ziggy. Enjoy your daughter whichever way works for her.

I do wonder if I have something like that. I’ve struggled all my life to fit in, terribly shy as a child- mum said she was sorry if I never felt loved as a child or teenager- I just accepted it, she just thought I was independent & happy to do things on my own. I struggled with dyslexia & OCD. My husband thinks I have attention deficit disorder, I am easily bored with one chore, down tools, then start another chore, attention span of a Nat. I did mention my poor memory to my nurse, she said mention to the Gp- I am frightened!
I wouldn’t know how to go about being tested, or even if I would want a label.
Now I am older, I worry I am starting with early onset dementia, I can’t seem to grasps things now, my concentration & confidence are at rock bottom/ I have just recently lost my dad to Alzheimer’s, so maybe the stress of taking care of him- now mum! I feel like I cant cope- loosing stuff, forgetting my appointments.
It’s not a recent thing, I saw a thing for a memory clinic before Covid- thought it was a drop in centre or something like that, obviously Covid kicked in- so put it to the back of my mind. Sorry if I am going on a bit- mum said I shouldn’t be wanting to know if it’s anything like that, when I say I am worried.
But there are meds now, aren’t there? I am 60 btw.
What do people suggest? Would I be better knowing, or not. Maybe I should have put this on a health thread.

That’s a good idea Mt61, to start a discussion on the health thread.
Your daughter sounds to be doing really well ziggy. I’ve found the increasing awareness of neurodiversity a positive development. I’ve always seen ‘labels’ as generally positive thing. Thirty years ago, being identified as on the autistic. Spectrum was a huge benefit for an 8 year old boy in our family. His school stopped seeing his curiosity about how things work as disruptive behaviour, they managed his social anxiety well. The diagnosis helped him through his school.

Like MOnica, I live in a family with neuro diversity running through it. Our youngest to be assessed is six years old and we don’t need a psychologist to confirm he has adhd (like his dad).
Years ago his fidgety easily distracted etc behaviour would likely have been punished at school. Thank goodness now it’s better understood and more sensitively managed. He is in a class of 30 and isn’t the only neuro diverse child. His teacher 🙏🏽

Mt61 I would say knowing is always best. If you had cancer you would not refuse a diagnosis because you did not want to be labelled would you?

It is not the label, it is how you use it. Some people use it as a an excuse to whine moan and act pathetic, others use it as a foundation to build a mentally better life and make the most of their talents.

As for getting a diagnosis. DGS has been waitng for a formal assessment for 3 years, DS for 5. A private assessment costs upwards of £1,000. However there are a lot of reputable medical sites that can help. Start with the very basic information on the NHS site www.nhs.uk/conditions/adhd-adults/

Another good and reliable source is adhduk.co.uk/adult-adhd-screening-survey/ Neiher source pretends it can diagnose ADHD online. Only indicate the problems you may have if you do have it. However they are indicative enough for you to know whether it is something to pursue further by reading up on health, advice and assistance for living with it or not, and seeing if this helps.

DS and I were diagnosed with dyspraxia, then called something else, in the mid 1980s, as part of a research project and the suggestion that we had ADHD arose in the 1990s. A time when getting any kind of diagnosis would have been virtually impossible. Fortunately I have known people with enough experience of working with people with ADHD, who had no problem in saying that DS and I show behaviours that are consistent with ADHD.

Mt61

I do wonder if I have something like that. I’ve struggled all my life to fit in, terribly shy as a child- mum said she was sorry if I never felt loved as a child or teenager- I just accepted it, she just thought I was independent & happy to do things on my own. I struggled with dyslexia & OCD. My husband thinks I have attention deficit disorder, I am easily bored with one chore, down tools, then start another chore, attention span of a Nat. I did mention my poor memory to my nurse, she said mention to the Gp- I am frightened!
I wouldn’t know how to go about being tested, or even if I would want a label.
Now I am older, I worry I am starting with early onset dementia, I can’t seem to grasps things now, my concentration & confidence are at rock bottom/ I have just recently lost my dad to Alzheimer’s, so maybe the stress of taking care of him- now mum! I feel like I cant cope- loosing stuff, forgetting my appointments.
It’s not a recent thing, I saw a thing for a memory clinic before Covid- thought it was a drop in centre or something like that, obviously Covid kicked in- so put it to the back of my mind. Sorry if I am going on a bit- mum said I shouldn’t be wanting to know if it’s anything like that, when I say I am worried.
But there are meds now, aren’t there? I am 60 btw.
What do people suggest? Would I be better knowing, or not. Maybe I should have put this on a health thread.

I've ADD, but my family and teachers always knew, without ADD being named yet when I was a child. If you're uncertain, perhaps reading may help you understand some characteristics.

My much younger brother was assessed in his 20s and received tablets. He occasionally used tablets whilst in his GDL, when testing after, and for hard trials. He finds the tablets useful for some situations.

Perhaps seek an assessment?