Do you share financial derails with your partner?

I tried very hard to share financial details, My late husband gave me the chequebook to our joint account only a few months after we were married and I looked after the finances completely. I had to `train` him wrt which passwords for which bank, had to make sure he had his own credit card etc in case I died first. We paid both salaries into that account and each had a personal account with a direct debit going into each account every month. It was lovely to have that perfect trust

It was easy for me afterwards, probate was easy, bank-sorting was easy. He always co-operated in any decision, if I wanted something big I just sowed the seed into his brain and he always said yes

We have ony family finances. We do each have an account that is personal, but both are in joint names, although neither of us would access eachothers account.

To be fair this started in the early years of our marriage, before mobile phones, wifi etc when DH used to travel out to remote parts, in this country and overseas where he was incomunicado for unknwn periods of time and I had to deal with his credit card and any other banking issues in his absence - and since his account was joint I thought mine should be as well.

DH and I are both self employed, so we have our own bank accounts and a joint one for household bills , mortgage when we had one , food , car expenses etc . We also have our own saving accounts and Isas . I used to do DHs accounts and vat , so I know his financial situation. And know where everything is , both in actual files and online .
Future proofing your life is often discussed on GN with regard to property and where to live , but I think everyone needs to future proof their lives , with regard to being widowed and that includes finances .

What about my case ? We started married life and my husband thought as I'm foreign, don't have big savings, he won't share his account with me but I had mine and he kept paying for everything . I started saving and got ahead of him , he has mortgage and bills on his name and I tried to understand does he want me buying at least some of the food but got nowhere.

All our accounts are named in folders though and we aren't rich. Is that all right then , if he does tomorrow I can manage

My MiL had a similar arrangement with my FiL. He paid everything and gave her an allowance. The very word used to irritate me but that was how they lived. It was a control thing I think. When he died, she said to me now I can do what I want, and she did. She got to grips with the finances very quickly with the help of her sons and spent money like water.

I don’t, but he knows where to find them if he needs to. I look after all things financial rather than depending on the man of the house.

We kept individual and set up a joint account from which all household expenditure was paid.
I find it unusual for people born in the 1940s and 50’s not to have had similar arrangements.
All my friends and family had both parents working, some couples agreed one or both parents might work part time when the children were young,
My parents were 1922 and 1923 dobs. Mum never worked outside the home. Dad was ambitious, successful as his work involved frequent moves of home, mum held everything together on the domestic front. It worked well for them. Dad died. Mum had no idea of their income, his work pension, any savings. She’d never written a cheque or set up direct debits, luckiky she’d three daughters to help.
When my husband died, I found the Sadmin a challenge. I was so sad and bereaved. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if I’d no experience of managing banks and bills

We pool all our income just as my parents did. Separate ISAs and savings accounts for tax reasons only, with the same balances.
Nice and simple.

Depends on how financially savvy one is. My DH has no idea about money so I have total control. If I didn’t we’d have been sleeping on the streets long ago. I will add that he is wonderful in other ways.

Madgran77

It sounds to me like a very "traditional" arrangement from many years ago. I remember my mum telling me that when my parents married she expected the same arrangement as her parents had ...her mother was handed housekeeping every week and had no idea beyond that of the finances. However my dad (clearly well ahead of his time I think) flatly refused that arrangement. They had a joint bank account; his earnings went in and Mum took out what she needed as did he, after agreed monthly outgoings were accounted for. This was 1945.

Sounds quite normal to me too for my parents. All accounts were in my father's name although my mother had a cheque book and could use it if she needed to - don't think she ever did. She preferred to have cash in her hands, and my father went to the bank to get it out. She knew his salary though and where the money went and she could have gone to the bank if she wanted to but didn't want to. The only one controlling what she was doing was her.

Yes we share all financial details.

When I was married we had a joint account which we both paid into for household expenses, looking at our salaries at the time it was roughly a 60/40 split as he earned more than I did.

We then had our own separate personal accounts.
My son and his partner do the same now and it seems to work well for them.

I think it must just have been an old fashioned type of marriage.He looked after everything and she didn't think to query it.. I'm sure he will have provided for her.

Elowen33

If she was a strong feisty woman it is unlikely to be coercive control and it seems unfair to say that of someone that has recently died.

It sounds like they had an old fashioned marriage where she stayed at home and he was the breadwinner and dealt with the finances.

Not uncommon in earlier generatioms.
My retired bank manager next door neighbour died and his widow rang me in tears; A) she couldn't find his Will B) she had absolutely zero clue about money; how much they had, how to pay for anything. He literally handled ALL their finances, throughout a marriage that lasted 70+ years.
That marriage was the very opposite of coercive control. More like "adored princess living on a feather cushion".

We found the Will filed under W in his filing drawer which it had never occurred to her to open. . On the envelope was a note saying "The Bank will handle everything; ring them on this number ". I rang the number which turned out the be the Bereavement Service Team, and they handled everything.

Just a very different way of married life. For the first 40 years they lived in India and Africa, with a household of domestic servants to do everything.

Never had any joint accounts. Neither knew what the other earnt exactly or how much we have in accounts/savings.
I pay some bills and he pays others, we share the weekly shopping bill.
I buy anything I want and he buys what he wants. Sometimes put together for more expensive things.

Initially DH took the old fashioned view that he was the provider, which worked for awhile until I got a permanent job. We then had a joint account which we each paid into for household expenses, but each had our own separate current and savings accounts. It worked for us, particularly as we both had children from previous marriages.
I was a saver, DH was a spender - on his collections and hobbies. I had no idea what his collectibles were worth until they were sold after his death, but I wasn’t dependent on that money.
We didn’t really discuss our personal finances, only that joint costs were covered. Now I benefit from half his teacher’s pension and part of his state pension. It all helps towards running the house, catching up on overdue renovations.

I hope your friend has support to find out her financial position. Her husband’s attitude was very traditional, but those days are long past. Each person in a couple needs to know what’s what, financially. Many wives are content to leave it to their husbands, then are totally scuppered if he dies first.

We always had a joint account right from the start, I do the day to day finances perhaps because I worked in a bank after leaving school. I have tried to get DH to take over for a while but he says I am better at it than him, I have written down key details in a book for him if necessary. Two years ago we combined our separate savings accounts, the only assets we have separate are our Premium Bonds.

He gave her an allowance when they married and never reviewed or added to it.

How long were they married?

When we first married we both worked what "allowance" we each should have as we were both working and saving hard for a deposit for a house.
I had £11 pw which paid for rent, food and £1 for me for frivolous things (like makeup etc!). 😀

Never discuss money or politics!

Except on Gransnet.

It must be very difficult not to know how much money you have, particularly in later life when there is less chance that you can work.

Maybe she knows, but just didn't want to talk about it? It's quite a personal matter.

If she was a strong feisty woman it is unlikely to be coercive control and it seems unfair to say that of someone that has recently died.

It sounds like they had an old fashioned marriage where she stayed at home and he was the breadwinner and dealt with the finances.

Doodledog

Why?

You're right!
I'll keep it.
Not that it's a secret from DH anyway.

It sounds to me like a very "traditional" arrangement from many years ago. I remember my mum telling me that when my parents married she expected the same arrangement as her parents had ...her mother was handed housekeeping every week and had no idea beyond that of the finances. However my dad (clearly well ahead of his time I think) flatly refused that arrangement. They had a joint bank account; his earnings went in and Mum took out what she needed as did he, after agreed monthly outgoings were accounted for. This was 1945.

When we married, we kept our own personal bank accounts, and set up a joint one for mortgage repayments, which were paid out of my salary. I gave DW a monthly allowance for housekeeping (she was working as well), and when credit cards came in she shopped with them instead, and I paid the monthly bill. No secrets, and it worked very well for us.

We had a joint account where our salaries and, eventually pensions, went. We also had a private account each and an allowance was paid into these monthly from the joint account. It worked really well. I wanted the private accounts for each of us because I didn’t want to buy my husband a birthday present out of our joint money - I wanted gifts to be bought out of our own money so they were personal.