Fear of husband of 47 years dying first

Lots of good advice on here.
I did notice something that is incorrect though.

A joint Bank Account is not frozen on the death of one of the account holders.
The surving partner will have to produce a death certificate for the bank.

I've been widowed twice and encountered no difficulties with our joint account passing to me automatically.

I cared for my first husband for ten years, keeping a journal of our days together. They are a wonderful reminder of our life over that long, frequently traumatic time.
As we lived each day the days seemed very much the same because of the necessary routine that comes with caring for a very ill person.
But the journals hold so much variety that at the time I didn't realise was there.
I recorded the things he said to me in the days when he could still speak and it's such a joy to be reminded of how much I was loved and appreciated.

I knew that ultimately my husband would die but I lived in the moment rather than fear the future.
Actually, when you are caring for a very sick person you have to be focused on the present. It's hard and there are enough fears/anxieties about getting and giving the best care
and staying well oneself, without being anxious about being left on one's own.
When it happens it's tough but you find the strength to cope and move forward.
Life can and does go on.
Wishing strength and peace to anyone who is feeling anxious.

I was going to post earlier, but Crossstitch said what I was going to say so much better and I was a bit concerned I would sound like I was preaching.

DH was diagnosed with Stage 4 bladder cancer last year and told it is not curable. He's now had all the treatment possible other than a maintenance dose of immunotherapy every two weeks. We don't know if he has 6 months or 12 months left. We've had all the practical talks about money, etc. It's all been a bit of a shock, he's 65 and I am 68. It was always supposed to be me who would get ill after smoking for 20 years whereas he's always been very healthy and fit, playing football and tennis and golf until quite recently.

Anyway, to cut things shorter, I now see it as my job to make the last year (or however long) as good as possible, especially while he is able to get about. The anxiety hasn't gone away I've just learnt to hide it. I don't think I have slept more than 3 hours a night for the last six months and I have a little cry while I am in the shower sometimes where I won't be disturbed and he won't notice the red eyes. I keep everything as normal as possible, including making him do 'his' jobs 😄
We're going away again in September and planning a huge family Christmas - we missed Christmas last year in the middle of all the tests and diagnosis - meeting with as many of the family as can get away.

Always in the back of my mind is the thought that in 6 months I may not have my best friend around anymore when we should reasonably have had at least another 10 years. I expect I will cope, I usually do, but the future looks very different to how we always saw it.

Sorry. This is very long. Haven't actually said any of this out loud before.

Daisyrose my thoughts are with you. There has been sound advice on GN so I have nothing more to add.
For me, I would be devastated without my DH. However he has Alzheimers Disease and life is very complicated at times - I try to ride the storm and appreciate the good days and thankfully
We still have those. I feel guilty saying this but I hope he dies before me, because without me thinking for him he would be well and truly up the creek without a paddle! Our love has never waned after 51 years of marriage, and even though times can be difficult I would be lost without him . I don't like to think about what would happen if I died before him. On a bad day he can't remember where to locate his cereal bowl or find the bread for his toast!
I wish you well and I try not to dwell on
' what iffs 'I hope you can do the same.

Such brave and very moving posts hugs

Ambergran 🌺
We always knew deep down that DH would not “make old bones” and after 20 years of poor health and chronic and incurable illness, he died two months after his 70th birthday, but call it pragmatism or call it denial but we took each day as it came right up to a few weeks before the end of- and that itself was after a crisis in hospital.
I am certain he thought ahead, but I kept my head stubbornly down and refused to cross any bridges before I came to them. Denial as I said. But it worked for me - sufficient unto each day etc
I remember a young doctor catching me in the corridor as I was leaving after visiting one day and asking where I thought DH would like to be when they ran out of options.
I’m afraid I was quite short and simply said I would like them to pull him through this current bout of pneumonia and we would have the relevant conversation at the appropriate time in the appropriate place, ie the consultant’s office with a cup of NHS tea and a box of tissues if necessary.
My point is that while you can do all the practical things in advance there is no rehearsal for bereavement.
So worrying in advance about the unknown will neither make it happen nor protect you from it.
I suspect OP is suffering from anxiety and possibly depression perhaps about things in general and would urge her to talk to somebody.
.

Thank you so much, your words have helped; I just hope I am able to take your advice because it really does make sense. I am truly sorry for your loss and so much admire you for the way you have coped . Thank you ❤️

Once again a big thank you to all of you for posting a reply. I have read and re read all your replies and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I do think as someone said that some of my depression and anxiety about this has been brought on by my recent illnesses and am hoping that once my test results come through I will start to feel a little more positive. I do still worry about his forthcoming operation but am just trying to take things one day at a time. A big thank you once more to you all and I hope life is kind to all of you. ❤️

In a way, I hope my husband goes first. One way of looking at is that if you're the one who's left alone at the end, he's been spared it.

There is a quote: “Fearing the future takes away our ability to live in the present. And that’s all we have”. I think the only time I truly feared that one of us would go before the other was when we were coming up to our 50th anniversary. We were both very fit and well, but life was suddenly full of “what ifs” and irrational fears were dragging me down. We made our fiftieth, and had another six wonderful years until, after a six month illness, he died. I’m grateful for every minute we had together and for the strength he gave me to carry on without him, though neither of us could have known how hard that was going to be. I have always thought that he wouldn’t cope if I had gone first. We were rather joined at the hip and to be honest, I do think women cope better with bereavement than men, although I realise that in saying this I will be doing some men a disservice.
You will naturally be anxious about the surgery, but please don’t let fear prevent you from looking forward to what I’m sure will be many more happy years together.

DaisyRose, your fear is so easy to understand, and many others feel that fear.

You do well to recognise the fear and more, to write abput it to Gransnet.

However you have done as much as you can, and now don't think about the worry. Whenever you begin to worry about bereavement, deliberately think about something else.
Each of us must die one at a time, and worrying about is useless.

Daisyrose5 I lost my husband 2 yrs ago we had been married for 53 yrs you never get over it but you get used to it if you have a loving family every now and then you’ll get a little morose but it passes and lots of daily experiences bring it all back

Lovely of you to come back to thank everyone Daisy rose. I hope you feel better soon and that your dear husband's operation is a complete success. I wish you both long, happy and healthy lives.

I have read all of your posts and thank you so much all the time you have spent on them. They have made me weep and helped me so much as I have health problems which have increasingly made me more and more reliant on my lovely husband of 65 years. He is 18 months older than me. Whereas he is much more able physically I am better at technology. This has helped us as I order shopping, a variety of things from Amazon etc. Set up mobile banking so pay bills and direct debits and transfer money to family for presents etc. If they get anything for us I immediately repay it into their accounts. For his 80th birthday I bought dh an iPad and he has been using this for for nearly 6 years. I show him how to order shopping but this needs reinforcing as it does if you only do things intermittently. Your posts have reminded me I need to ensure he can manage these things. Just one thing about finances some years ago we put everything in joint savings and bank accounts. So no Isas after the ages of 70 and only a few premium bonds. The aim was to simplify things when one of us dies. I checked with the building societies etc and the bank that we would only need to supply a death certificate as they considered the accounts belonged to both of us. Everything is either signature. I also checked on the internet and this was reiterated. My dh would need to set up the bank account in his own name but my very able daughter would help him do that. I can set out instructions on how to do that which is straight forward enough. He would need to check when his iPhone is no longer up to date. Also his pay as you go needs to be a sim only contract. Our landline is only a back up just now as sound isn’t too great since dependant on wi fi. Loudspeaker is so much easier on the mobile and also when you have to hold on as in a queue you are not literally stuck to the actual phone unlike the mobile. Also when the wi fi goes down so does the landline. Also if there is a power cut which happened not so long ago..Made me realise how important it is to keep phones charged up. So much info was given by our road What’s App. So many apparently little things an help the elderly on their own . So thank you again for your wonderful posts which have had a profound affect on me and I am sure on anyone who reads them.

Sminty sound advice since my dear husbands passing I’m putting my paperwork into order - there’s so much to do I’m posting my wedding photograph 56 yrs ago

Lovely photo! You both look so happy!

So much caring, good advice. I lost my husband 4 years ago. I had always been the manager. The circumstances of his passing were unusual. He was the healthy fit one, me the creaking gate. Everyone assumed that I would go first. In the event we were in a foreign country .We both developed covid. For me it was like a bad flu. He was admitted to hospital and put in a coma for 4 weeks..one day I was called to the hospital and I was given the knowledge that

due to various scans, they had discovered that he had a dementia. They said that they didn't know how he would be when they let him out of the coma. He would likely be incapacitated. Over the many years we had been together, along with the various
talks we had had, I was able to state very clearly to the medical team that he would never want to be physically or mentally incapacitated.
They switched off the life support and he quietly passed away. If I hadn't clearly known his thoughts,
it would have made an extremely difficult time even worse.
I have since had my living wishes written down for the family. Absolutely no intervention or resuscitation.
We were married for 53 years. His loss was great. I coped and eventually began to develop a different life.
I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, it isn't meant to. It's just that death can present in so many different ways. I have probably written far to much, primarily because the previous posts have been very triggering.

With respect, worry and anxiety won't change anything, apart from sapping your strength. However, getting all of the practical issues sorted will help.
I do wish you all the best.

olderme

So much caring, good advice. I lost my husband 4 years ago. I had always been the manager. The circumstances of his passing were unusual. He was the healthy fit one, me the creaking gate. Everyone assumed that I would go first. In the event we were in a foreign country .We both developed covid. For me it was like a bad flu. He was admitted to hospital and put in a coma for 4 weeks..one day I was called to the hospital and I was given the knowledge that

due to various scans, they had discovered that he had a dementia. They said that they didn't know how he would be when they let him out of the coma. He would likely be incapacitated. Over the many years we had been together, along with the various
talks we had had, I was able to state very clearly to the medical team that he would never want to be physically or mentally incapacitated.
They switched off the life support and he quietly passed away. If I hadn't clearly known his thoughts,
it would have made an extremely difficult time even worse.
I have since had my living wishes written down for the family. Absolutely no intervention or resuscitation.
We were married for 53 years. His loss was great. I coped and eventually began to develop a different life.
I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, it isn't meant to. It's just that death can present in so many different ways. I have probably written far to much, primarily because the previous posts have been very triggering.

With respect, worry and anxiety won't change anything, apart from sapping your strength. However, getting all of the practical issues sorted will help.
I do wish you all the best.

That is a very honest post. Reminds me of my old schoolfriend.
She was happily married to a man who was almost 10 years older than her for nearly 50 years.
He developed respiratory problems and got very poorly. She did everything for him. Then he was diagnosed with dementia and she could not cope as their cottage was unsuitable so she had to find a care home for him. He passed away after a few months.
Although she was very sad she has now started a new life and is going abroad for a holiday for the first time in her life. She meets up with friends regularly and goes to Pilates. She is blossoming!

Oh olderme what a terrible time for you. Thank goodness you really knew his wishes.

My respect and condoleances olderme- yes, we should all talk to our loved ones about what we would wish in case- and respect their wishes, however hard and scary, painful, it is.

RosieandherMaw Thank you.

olderme for you too. My respect for being able to do what so many will not. I have always said I would not want resuscitation, but doubt my wishes will be respected because so many tell me 'but some life is better than death'.

I watched someone die very slowly after having a full organ transplant at the age of 50. He was in dreadful pain a lot of the time, and basically spent his life being rushed to different hospitals. His wife was determined that he was going to live as long as possible - I actually think she was so involved with keeping him alive that she couldn't see how much he was suffering. He lived for 5 years after the operation, rarely leaving the house except to go to a hospital and being unable to see most people because of fear of catching flu or colds or Covid. When I try to remember him as a young man I can't - he was funny and full of life but all I can see is the tiny little old man sat in the corner barely able to move. He once told me 'I don't really know what I am doing here... it's like I am someone else'.

multicolourswapshop

Sminty sound advice since my dear husbands passing I’m putting my paperwork into order - there’s so much to do I’m posting my wedding photograph 56 yrs ago

You both look wonderful xx

FriedGreenTomatoes2

^People leave the story, but the book goes on^
Oh what a poignant observation Smintie. 💐

Thank you x

For what it is worth * Ambergran* my DH had a liver transplant in January 1997 and had 20 years -often in poor health but a full life with worthwhile quality- in which he saw all 3 of 3 daughters graduate, led all 3 down the aisle and saw the arrival (well not literally!) of 4 of our 6 grandchildren. One sadness was that he never knew youngest D’s little boys but the others brought him enormous joy. So the opposite of the experience you quote.
Without it he’d have been dead by 50.

So many moving posts here. I have the same anxiety as the original OP. My DH has several chronic conditions, Type 1 Diabetes, with all the associated conditions, Pancreatic Insufficiency, Hernia, arthritis, going deaf, mild asthma and takes about 20 tablets a day. He has had many tests and each time there is a period of waiting and worry. Latest was an ultrasound on his kidneys and bladder however it was normal thankfully. He has stomach pain most days but has had all the tests.

He drives me nuts sometimes but he is the kindest man I have ever met and we have been married 41 years.

I kind of had an epiphany a few weeks ago and decided to arrange more nice things we can do together, day trips, and two big holidays this year. Hang chores and housework, spend the money rather than saving. I have decided to make sure we do one nice thing every day, even if it's as simple as having an ice cream, going out together with the dogs. Lots of hugs too.

I have no health conditions I wish I could give him some of my wellness.

What a great idea mrsmeldrew. One nice thing a day and spending money on good holidays.