Fear of husband of 47 years dying first

I think you should just enjoy his company while he is here.

You will cope if he dies - I have, but I did not think about it beforehand, just dealt with it when it happened.

Go and do some nice things with him ..........

So many kind thoughtful posts on this thread. I feel similarly. It's the lonliness I dread.

As a widow twice over, I do understand your worries, and of course illness makes these worries come to the surface. I still miss my darling second husband Brian every day. When I went on this special holiday I carried with me a little card he wrote for me , on a special occasion that I have kept. I carried it in my purse all the way with me. May sound silly, but it was some of his writing on it and I just wanted him to be with me in some way.

So these are some ideas that you might try to use, which could definitely help you in this situation.

Firstly DONT see this as a list for when or if he dies. I think Martin Lewis on money box has the right idea, when he suggests that we all should check through our financial situation every so many months.

So if you firstly think about financial matters and get out all your documents from insurance for the car to finding those old premium bonds at the wrong address or whatever. Go through them all together, checking that things are up to date and have the correct address and phone number on etc. Then I have a notebook, which I have all the reference numbers and dates when things need renewing etc. If you go through and update all those things, and then make sure that you know where things are kept . Personally I have a fireproof box that all these documents are put in, so at a pinch if there was any disaster I could just grab that and get out. The great thing then is that you a] know where all the documentation is and b] have already sorted things out so that at a time of shock and worry you dont have to wrack your brain as to where things are.

Then use that as a starting point to look at things like up to date wills and really more importantly power of attorney etc. I can tell you that whilst death is the most dreadful grief you are facing, the trouble, hassle and stress caused when someone is incapacitated and you cannot deal with things on their behalf lasts far longer and causes you misery, frustration, anxiety and fury!! I would also suggest if you are able to , that both of you open a bank account quite separately from any other in your own name. Then if and when you are faced with any worry, it is not added to by a joint account being frozen and your not being able to get any money out!!

Again if you just see this as sensible for you both and not implying that it is more about him than yourself it is just a sensible thing to do. It can also lead on to talk about whether you might be better moving now or prefer to stay where you are and look at if there needs to be any alteration to make your home easier to live in, should you need to think about a wheelchair or having a wet room or shower rather than the bath etc etc. Looking through this sort of thing at your own pace you may actually discover some unknown or surprising things about each other and your home. That vase that you always hated, but was given to you both by his mother or aunt, so you felt you had to keep it. If you ask which out of 4 vases might you keep, he might say he would be glad to be shut of that one and you have put up with it for years!!

For me the most difficult things to make decisions about are not things of value in monetary terms, but my hundreds of books, which I never want to give any away, my tons of music ditto etc. But you can also suddenly think, you actually rarely sew now or the tools that are in the garage that your husband used regularly are never touched now. Then you can decide to give them to family if they would be of use to them, and if just not needed there are good charities, who mend and service tools and things and they are sent to give people the chance to have useful things who cannot afford them. It did cost me a bit of pain but also long term has given me great pleasure to know that my husbands tools are being used to help someone find work and have a life that they can not afford themselves. Oh another very important little thing. Those little bits and pieces in the drawer, that are the new bit for the hoover, or the little band that attaches the what do you call it . Write on them or make a list to say what they are and how to use them, so that you dont throw away the spare bit for your machine, which is quite old and they no longer make it now!!

As you go along at your own pace, I think you will find worries at least recede, and also if you now get your mind into a positive attitude of having this sort of spring clean of the mind and looking at how you live your lives now, you actually have a sort of project to share and plan together, which can be quite exciting and also you will find there are things that you havent thought about for years come to mind. Look through your direct debits and I bet you will find some subscription to a club or magazine that you never do anything with that is just renewed automatically and you might find a little pot of money that you could reward yourselves with a meal out or a couple of days away as a treat.
Talking this over between yourselves you might start to do some of these things and then if you mentioned this to your friends you might encourage them to do the same. It is a wise thing to contemplate, even if you choose not to do anything about it in the end. You will have some practical things that you can actually do to lessen your anxiety , something that you can tackle together and enjoy sorting some things out. In the winter when it is miserable out you might have the fire on and some decent coffee and reminise about places you have visited or memories of things you have done and then think about whether you would like to go back to some of these places or are glad you never have to go there again. Is there somewhere you always meant to visit and never got round to it? Maybe you might go there now.

This way you will have some happy times together still and as whatever we do we cannot stop the inevitable fact that one of us must die before the other, for me , it would give me peace of mind and pleasure to know that we had sorted lots of things out, and so in practical terms as we have cared for each other all our lives together we are doing our best to make life simpler for when they are alone. I do hope something here gives you some ideas for the future, and taking charge of things and feeling more competent at these sorts of things, or at the least, checking now with friends and family as to good local people to get to do work for you. If you no longer service your own car, which garage is both good and helpful. So for instance I now use a garage who are happy to run me back home when I take the car in and also deliver my car back to me when it is sorted and paid for. As it is not on a bus route and I have difficulty walking far, this is really helpful to me. Keep another little book with cards and telephone and email address for useful people such as electricians etc. Occasionally go through the book and note those who have now retired or moved and then look around for a replacement to fill that space. You can bet your bottom dollar that the time you get a leak that plumber is now retired and you are rushing around trying to think of someone else!!

Lastly , as you see the GN's will be here for you. There will no doubt be someone who has already experienced whatever problem you are facing and will have good ideas to help. So that major worry of How will I cope on my own? is dealt with. Of course we can never replace that special person in your life and we dont intend to , but we are here and certainly when I am in pain and cant sleep, I often get on the laptop and see what is happening with others and feel that I have friends on here that I know will give me good ideas that I have not thought of, and be here to listen to my worries and moans and groans.

So, today, banish those thoughts and go for lunch or coffee, or ignore jobs and play chess or just sprawl and enjoy talking to each other. Enjoy each others company and you will have made another special memory to hold dear. All the very best to you

That's so true seventhfloor.
I always paid the household bills so that wasn't too hard and he was a great cook and probably could have managed fine.
He was kind and funny and interested in other people in a way I try to be but can't! Our DC miss him very much and I'm no substitute.

Well done Whiff. It's inspiring how you've coped all these years.

B9exchange so hard for you right now.

Perhaps a good thing to do is make sure the other person would be able to cope on a practical level on their own.
Can he cook, do laundry, sort out health issues, go shopping.
Can she pay utility bills, look for the best deals, can she change light bulbs and fuses.
Are wills, POAs, documents in a simple place, passwords and accounts accessible.
I know a lot of this division of tasks is old fashioned but unfortunately still exists amongst our generation. DH retired before me so with everything on line I don't know about all of our finances as it goes to his email address (and can be quite pigheaded if I asked him about the car insurance)
That takes away a lot of the worry so you are free to grieve and rebuild.
Are families aware

💐 for you B9exchange what you are both dealing with every single day must be so hard. Look after yourself too. x

I do too Daisyrose but try to not allow my fear of what the future may hold to spoil the present and I know that the thought of me dying before him frightens him too.

for all who have lost their much loved partners.

Grammaretto I sold the house we lived in for 34 years in 2019 and moved over 100 miles to the north west. I did it on my own and packed all the boxes on my own . I set myself a target of how many boxes to fill. I was downsizing so I was ruthless. But found decluttering the house it wasn't home the moment my husband took his last breath very freeing as it decluttered my mind and I let go of things I had held on to for far to long including my wedding dress. You need a thick skin as viewers can say nasty things and until you exchange contracts you can't relax. But you can do it . The love you and your husband had and being each others halves will get you through. It's been 21.5 years for me and I still talk to him everyday day and at times swear ,shout and blame him for dieing but I always feel better afterwards. I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better now .

It is hard and you will have many sleepless nights and stress levels off the chart. But moving to my bungalow I have a home again and love my pared down life style. Plus I live my life to the full . Because in my house after my husband died in 2004 I existed I had no life as I had people dependant on me 24/7 plus being disabled.

But now I am living the life my husband wanted me to . You can have a good life just not the life you wanted . My first night in my bungalow was the first night I had a good sleep the first since my teens . And I am happy . Grief never dies and for me gets worse every year. But I am still married . Bone crushing grief can still overwhelm me so have a good cry and feel better. My husband wanted me to live the best life I can and I do . You can to just takes time . 🌹

Thankyou Crosstitchfan for your post.
My story is similar and when I feel very low and sad I remind myself that he told me he'd always love me.
After 4½years without him, I have got used to my single life.

I agree with you Daisyrose though, I wish we had faced up to more end-of-life decisions during his long treatment for cancer.
But we had several wonderful trips together to places we had always wanted to go.

Now I am dealing with selling the family home of 45 years on my own.
I have kind friends and family but it can be very lonely. GN has been a friend too.

Wishing you many more happy years together.

Thank you all ❤️

Daisyrose5
Face up to things when they happen and not before.
Unless we die first, before DH or DP then we all have to face the deaths of those we love.
There’s some good advice on here.

I never feared my husband would die first. I was born disabled so always expect to die first . Unfortunately my fit healthy husband got grade 4 malignant melanoma in 2021 and was given 5 years to live . When he was terminal he had 6 tumours and given 4 months to 2 years he lived just under the 4 months. He wanted to get to his 47 th birthday in 2004 he died 4 days later.

Don't worry about what can happen as what does happen is far worse. And you will miss our on the time you have together now. We had been together since I was 16 he was 18 29 years married 22. I was 45 now 67.

Live everyday to the full . None of us know when we are going to die but we all do one day.

I don't live with what ifs or if onlies as the last 21.5 years on own has taught me you miss to many wonderful things in your life. Grieve like love never dies and it gets worse for me as the years go by . But I was very lucky to have found the other half of myself when I was young and he me. Together we made a whole . The moment he took his last breath half of me died to and haven't been whole since . But some people live their whole lives and never had such love and connection to another person .

So I consider myself very lucky to have had that. And no matter how ill and my mobility was effected nothing ever phased my husband. My knight in slightly tarnished armour who would fight dragons for me .

Crossstitchfan's post was sensitive and sympathetic. It so happens that my story is remarkably similar to hers.
But I'm going to be brutally practical.
Daisyrose5, please make sure that you can handle all of your joint finances. Are your wills and Powers of Attorney in order? What about your car(s) insurance and MoT? All this falls to a surviving spouse. That can be daunting, but there is a sort of grim satisfaction in coping with it.
There is an army of widows on Gransnet, managing because we have to. I've felt very much supported by all of you and send my heartfelt thanks.

I felt the same, I felt the worst possible thing to happen would be the loss of my husband. But you must make the most of every day you have together. 76 is relatively young, and after his op just treasure every day you wake up and can share the day together, plan and make happy memories. My previously very healthy and active DH has recently survived a very sudden massive brain haemorrhage. We both agree it would have been much better if he hadn't, there we are. We are trapped in the house, he is paralysed down the right side, his speech is affected, he drools and has continence issues. I am his carer 24/7, it is draining and exhausting. Losing your DH is maybe not the absolute worst that could happen to you, so enjoy every day you have together as whole beings. I really hope his op goes well and that you have many happy years left, Wishing you both every happiness.

Usedtobeblonde

I actually hoped my H would die before me, which he did, as I knew that I would cope without him and he would not cope without me.
I was 81 when he died and it was hard but I knew it was the best way.
He would have been totally lost without my support.
We had been married over 60 years and together about 65.

I am with you there usedtobeblonde. For the last 15 years the first thing I do each morning (and when I wake in the night) is check that DH is still breathing.

He developed sleep apnea about 15 years ago. Both I and DD told him, but he chose not to believe us, but then he had a micro sleep when driving and to be fair to him, he was immediately at the doctors. He has since had a heart attack and has other heart problems. DD and I have discussed it all. Hopefully he will go first, but not any time too soon.

My father in law passed away In January aged 95, after 65 years of marriage. My mother in law is 90, she's managing so much better than we thought she would. It sounds to me that you're feeling low after your recent illness. Health anxiety is perfectly natural, especially when we get older

It must be so lonely after many years of a happy marriage but
I found more pain when my husband died age 32 after 8 years
of marriage, he was killed whilst on duty , police force, 50 years ago, how I wish I had more memories, no matter the years the pain of grief is so hard

It occured to me that what the OP was experiencing was quite likely being reciprocated by DH.

Although it isn't quite the same but I do think this about my sblings as we're ageing- two are already gone and I am sure we wonder sometimes which one will be next?

I think what we have to do is just enjoy each other's company while we can, and I think this is what OP has to do too.

Just be in the moments with those we love...how precious that time is.

I actually hoped my H would die before me, which he did, as I knew that I would cope without him and he would not cope without me.
I was 81 when he died and it was hard but I knew it was the best way.
He would have been totally lost without my support.
We had been married over 60 years and together about 65.

Yes what a lovely post.

Crossstitchfan - your post brought a tear to my eye.
Such a beautiful thoughtful post.

Wise words Crossstitchfan I found they helped my mindset this evening. Thank you.

crossstitchfan ♥️

Hi Daisyrose,
I understand completely. My husband was very ill several times in later life and I felt just as you do. I couldn’t imagine being without him after 57 years. This wasn’t helped by the fact that he was 7 years older than me. We had a very happy marriage too, which was wonderful but didn’t make the thought of being without him any easier.
Well, the unthinkable happened. He died, and I have never been so lost and scared (in addition to the misery of losing him). One evening, I suddenly thought, I have two choices here. Either give up (whatever that would entail) or carry on without him. I thought about what he would have wanted and I know he would have wanted me to make as good a life as possible, just as I would have wanted him to do if I had been the one to go first.
Five years later, I am enjoying my life as much as possible without him. It will never be the same, but I am so grateful we had the time we had together. I now have cancer, but it is the slow type and, at nearly 80, I suppose I can’t complain.
My thoughts are with you. You will manage, most do. However, what Kandinsky said is correct. You need to make the most of what you have and stop worrying about what might be. I find that things have a way of working themselves out and worrying until the cows come home won’t solve anything.
Go and enjoy your husband. Hopefully everything will be fine. Don’t waste your time together, however long or short, by thinking pessimistic thoughts. If they start, make a conscious effort to push them away.

Yes I understand I’ve been with my husband since we were teenagers and wouldn’t know where to start if anything happened to him. I think the present situation of him waiting for an op has triggered this worry in you. Try to be positive and live for each day together. Sending you love and 🥰