Different standards

You sound like a fantastic gran and are doing loads to help which I am sure they all appreciate. Carry on as you are.

Try not to worry about it too much. Nobody will remember untidy gardens in 20 years time.

We are,all different! My DD says she remembers our home as "chaotic" but I thought I managed it okay, in spite of DH's extreme untidiness. Now, she is married to a man who admits to OCD. I find the house, and particularly the garden, quite dull and soulless. But she seems happy.

On a practical note, these storage tubs are useful for toys, even small children enjoy putting (or throwing) them away in these.

Not overly precise and tidy but at least each child could learn to put their stuff away. You could perhaps buy a set for the toys at your house and see if they like them.

It won't post, I'll try a different one.

Everyone has different standards.

Some people fancy organised homes, toys battery to work, fancy food, no sweets - apparently your daughter is not keen on what you favour, perhaps leave her to her own ways? Dont meddle.

Back off!

I realise you mean well, but I had a mother like you, and she drove me mad.

Give advice if and when you are asked for it.

You have said you think the one child is dyslexic - now leave his parents to deal with that.

Admittedly, letting children eat sweet things instead of a proper meal is stupid - but you cannot decide what your daughter and her husband do. You can only hope that the children start eating "proper food" because no fuss has been made about their eating habits.

I myself doubt this works, but it is the received wisdom amongst parents of young children these days. And it honestly was not funny sitting staring at a plateful of brussel sprouts until I caved in and ate the wretched things, which I cannot be the only one on Gransnet who had to, as a small child!

A bit of order is needed in this modern world. Book bags to pack, swimming costumes to pack.
We can't all be the Larkins.

I used to babysit for someone who lived in the messiest house I’ve ever known ( given the state of my own house it must have been pretty bad). I once said to her how I hated pristine homes and didn’t feel comfortable in them, assuming that she’d agree with me. She didn’t. I realised that she was oblivious to the state of her own home. One of the rooms was supported by a metal pole. I assumed it was her son’s bedroom. I was chatting to him once and he said why are you staying on the other side of the door. I said that’s because I’ve seen what’s supporting your room. He laughed and said ‘ no, that isn’t my room; that’s the bathroom…it’s quite safe, I’ve jumped up and down in there and it didn’t collapse’.

When your grandchildren look back on their childhood their memories will be around being in a loving family, great holiday memories and a loving gran. The chaos will be way down their memory list. To be honest, it sounds like you take on a bit too much,which I completely get, but you also need to have some well deserved downtime especially as it comes across as just in your nature to will also want to do more when baby no. 3 is born. You sound a lovely grandmother and who any daughter would be proud to call mum.

We are having a couple of days together to do school holiday trips this week so I am looking forward to that and may try and drop a few concerns in to the conversation.

I wouldn't express them as concerns, rather ask if your DD would like a bit of help sorting things out as you know how busy she is and how hard she works with the children, house and a job. She might get tired or feel unwell now she is pregnant, too and appreciate a hand.

Don't do too much, though, at the expense of your own wellbeing.

I remember one of my friends and neighbour saying "As long as the children are happy"

The only thing that would worry me is the eating but at least they're being fed.

Will your DD carry on working after she has the latest child? Is it too stressful or does she find it gives her a respite from the chaos at home?

I think many people live in chaos when the children are small, I remember my DC's bedrooms back then and shudder! They were supposed to tidy them, one did, the others not so much (or not at all).

Best not to add to your DD's stress levels even by suggesting ways they could improve things, she probably knows this and perhaps you could encourage the DGC to tidy up their toys when they visit you so that they can do the same at home.

The children seem to be happy and well cared for, by both parents,and although the house is disorganised it is not dirty nor a health hazard.
Your daughter is recovering from a breakdown and is dissatisfied with her home, but they do have a house and generous in-laws who give them financial and practical support to improve it and help with childcare.

Now your daughter is pregnant with a third child.
What sort of impact this has on their lives is very much down to them. You give a great deal of help but you cannot run their lives for them and they need to take rather more responsibility than they are doing.
I am sorry to say this but I think your daughter needs to face up to her life and appreciate what she does have: a home, a happy family and much support.. So many don't have what she takes for granted,

What I found years ago when friends kids were teens, none of them had any chores to do. The house could be messy, mum trying to do it all.
When I was a teenager, us kids would have chores to do, like one us would wash the dishes, one would dry, emptying the wastes paper bins. Tidying our rooms. I dont know anyone whose kids help out today, too busy on there pcs I guess.

I was where you are about 10 years ago, (bar for no No3) I thought that the grandchildren would turn out to the most undisciplined adults, although extremely lovely. The house was like student accommodation, both patents doing their utmost to just survive, children were consulted on decisions especially about food. My late husband & I and the in-laws helped out, not only with money where necessary but mainly time. However 10 years on they are the most kind, gentle and well mannered pair of teenagers ( I may be biased) although the house is still untidy, they now have a cleaner in once a week, the garden is partly tidy. So, no you are not a interfering old bat, you are where many of are were, don't give up just carry on and do what you can.

Gosh Flaxseed, they will most definitely get through this.
The kids won’t recall the chaotic house or garden situation and adult daughter and son will learn to cope with the stress - which is part of all family life.

Many a mum older or younger is likely to have been depressed and overwhelmed whether working or not and nothing has changed in that respect only that people are not averse to naming it and acknowledging it.

The kids will though remember love, kindness, understanding, consistency and fun and laughter, when they look back.
A lovely house does not always equal a lovely life.

Everything I do, is done to try and make life less chaotic for the DGC

Please factor you into this, your needs and possibly health. Just a thought.
Have the family expressed any desire to be less chaotic? Can they afford a cleaner and gardener?

butterandjam
There maybe some truth in that but I don’t think I have it in me to step back. Everything I do, is done to try and make life less chaotic for the DGC.
MayBee70 Thank you - I most certainly did need to let off steam.
Mt61 No, they couldn’t but in September DCG2 will have increased nursery hours so I am going to suggest myself and DD have a morning together to ‘keep on top of things’
Thank you everyone.
We are having a couple of days together to do school holiday trips this week so I am looking forward to that and may try and drop a few concerns in to the conversation.

Could they afford a cleaner for a couple of hours per week?

I think you needed to let off a bit of steam on here and I hope it has helped. I also think that you’re feeling sad that you would love to be elated about the new addition to the family but your worries ( which are perfectly understandable) are putting a damper on that. I’m afraid that, as I’m terribly disorganised myself I can’t really offer any advice. They sound like a lovely family and you are a lovely mum/grandmother.

Flaxseed,

Have you considered that by providing too much of a feather cushion, you have enabled her decision to have a third child,.

Number 3 is on the way. You can't change that.

You might want to think about whether the best thing for all of them, is for you change your own behaviour. To step back, so she steps up.

I agree with Truffle43 don't stress over things you can't change . Love and support your family but make time for yourself as well, don't let family concerns overwhelm you.
Good luck.

You are all very kind. Thank you

There’s lots of love in the household, happy adjusted children this is something that is going well. The children are still thriving in-the chaos. Okay they do things differently and your a concerned mum,I understand that and I think what your doing is fabulous, in all honesty I don’t think things will change and you will have to stop worrying over what you cannot change. Carry on supporting and loving them all but try to get yourself in the mindset of live and let live helping out where needed. I wish you well

Agree with everyone so% far. As said, tidiness is different for all families. Some of the most chaotic have the happiest children.

It seems like your DD would prefer it all tidier and more organised, so maybe suggest some ideas for this (toy bins for example) but otherwise just be there for her. That is SO valuable.

Not a interfering old bat, you care but people do things differently, their way isn’t yours, and yours isn’t their The children sound happy and cared for with a variety of lovely trips out and a Nan that mops everything up (not literally)
I d carry on doing what you’re doing and try not to worry too much it sounds like they are well rounded kids and a lot of people thrive on chaos
Just carry on doing what you’re doing if you’re asked and try not to worry or to change them

No, you are not interfering, just being practical and caring about your family. I’d be exactly the same, and would happily be there to offer my support in any way possible - tidying, cleaning, gardening etc. and being there for my grandchildren. Your DD needs you and sounds like she appreciates your support.