Distant grandchildren

I suppose the thing is, Gogo84, that Skiball and MrSkiball are finding it hard work already. It's not that it can't be done.
Skiball was wondering if others felt similarly tired and that scheduling grandchildren in with other things was often difficult.

I was flying to and from Ireland for a while a few years ago - a week/10 days on, and a week/10 days off, and admit I found that hard work when I was younger than you are now.

My mother-in-law at 95 ish drove herself up from Dorset to the Midlands and regularly over to East Sussex. At about 97 she was also holidaying abroad alone.

Everyone is different.. we all have things we "want"to do, "must" do, and "wish we could" do!
Often I'm worn out just doing the ordinary to be honest!
I think Skiball should find a way to be kinder to herself.
🤞

I am 85 and travelled on my own to the USA in June to see my DD, lovely SIL and grown up GCs. Admittedly I have a wheel chair at the aiports and travel business class, but I have been travelling on my own for years now. In fact when I last went to the hospital for a consultation, the man who weighed me was surprised that I had managed to get there on my own!! (I did take the taxi as I don't drive now)

I'm in the UK so although I consider myself living at a distance, it's only 200 miles so in the USA could be much further. Many of my friends who visit family at a distance now travel by train, using a senior railcard, though I still mostly drive as I like to have the flexibility and can take more luggage if I'm staying longer.
I live a busy fulfilling life and have to fit visits around regular commitments but many of my friends are in the same position so are totally understanding.
I grew up with my surviving grandparents only living about 7 miles away, but we now live in a much more mobile society. I left home for university 250 miles away. I know my own mum saw much less of my children than my In-Laws who only lived 70 miles away and could visit for the day. As a grandparent now, I regret not making more effort to visit my mum, who didn't drive, so found it difficult to visit us. My own children had a much closer relationship with the nearer grandparents who they saw much more frequently.
My DS and family will likely move nearer in the next year due to expected job changes, and once their plans are formalised I plan to move nearer them. It will be tough leaving friends of many years but I want to do it while I'm still young enough to make a new life for myself at the same time as spending more time with family.
My DD is still single and not settled permanently so I could still find myself as a distant grandparent in the future again if she has a family, but we can only do so much to plan for the future. If a move nearer isn't a possibility we have to make the best of what we have. I'm grateful for video calls occasionally, the visits I can make and the ones I receive. I may envy friends with grandchildren round the corner, but have other friends with grandchildren on the other side of the world, so I count my blessings.

If you feel the journeys are no longer feasible and as you say one famiky visits you could the other DS not bring his children to see you. Sorry haven't picked up the ages of his children, so assuming they are capable of travelling. If at school would probably be limited to school holidays. If your DS can visit you could reduced the number of visits you make.

Well some things are inevitably going to change, so while you will find travelling a lot gets too much effort both practical and emotional, your grandchildren will be growing older too. So I would be looking at making your own relationship with each grandchild, so this might be something like the whats app idea, or that you have a phone call with them regularly, but not so they think its something they have to do rather than want to. In the meantime you can be looking for interesting postcards and sending letters directly to them. According to latest info , postcards are coming back into fashion. So you might have something you share - ranging from silly postcards or ordinary blank cards you can fill in yourself, or if they love cats or horses or whatever pick up on that . develop something individual with each child, and even with the latest phones etc, you could find that they enjoy receiving their own letters. Have any of them learnt to play something like chess or bridge? as they get older, so you could set up a bridge tournament where you do a move a day or whatever suit. Then this will mean as they get older and can come and visit you on their own you have developed something to share that is special to you, where you might go swimming or fishing or whatever appeals.

So I would suggest you think about what might be the special thing you could do with a child and see if they like your suggestion. I would simply , without making a big deal of it, say that now you are not able to do the sort of travelling you have done in the past, and could make it less about the family by saying that you are not going to x or Y this year, too much effort. If it is not tempting fate I might be prepared to slightly embroaider the truth and say long trips now make you feel, sick or dizzy or whatever, so you are looking at other ways to do things. You could also preface this by saying that someone - preferably that they know - has stopped going to wherever now and you can understand this as you are also feeling the same, and have decided that you can no longer do long trips in one go etc. This makes it a statement of fact, not specifically aimed at then, but that way you have reminded them that you are gettting that bit older and they should not expect the same ability to go at their beck and call and quite frankly It is about time they thought a bit about you and did the travelling. Book your clubs and so forth and simply say oh dear you would not be available for this that or the other, but you could suggest that instead of you going to them or even them coming to y ou , you could look for somewhere half way that is easy for you to get on, and suggest that you meet up for a long weekend or whatever . You are being totally reasonable and they are not. Time they made the effort. if the adults wont, keep trying to keep in touch with the grandchildren, Good luck and hope you find something that suits you

Some people here are hugely judgmental. Everyone is different and every family with a wider family are different too. Seems to me that you are doing a lot of the running and if you can no longer manage it then something must change. Most young people don't understand how getting older affects people and some just do not want to think about it happening to their parents for whatever reason. I think you can only do what you need to do to enjoy your life. That might be having a conversation with them about how realistic it is for you to continue as it is, or cutting down the number of times that you visit or them making the effort to visit you. Someone said grandparents would "juggle hot coals " to see their grandchildren and if they are happy doing that, that fine, but no everyone is and that's fine too.

I agree NotSpaghetti and I would add socialising too. We had a full weekend of socialising last weekend for a friend’s 70th celebrations, having driven a distance to the event so we stayed over in a BnB for 2 nights. I was wiped out on Monday.

I think the truth is that travelling is more tiring as we get older.

Well, I travel 5 hours on the train or more normally 8 hours on a coach to go from the north of England to Bristol in the SW. I just count my lucky stars I’m still able to travel to see them. Personally, I find the coach cheaper and easier than the train although I do ask for help from other passengers on the train if I need it. I’m 73 btw.

I am in the south. My son and his family are near Leeds. My daughter, and her family are in Scotland. I see Scottish fam about twice a year if I am lucky. If I see my Leeds family, it's a.miracle.
I.am nearing 69. They want me to visit, go.on holidays, etc. I have a great GD due in November. I won't see her until Christmas, ( that's if I can afford the fares.)
It's not always about the money, but the travelling as well. 8 hours journey on a train is debilitating, where I used to have a cuppa and be refreshed, now I need a four hour sleep. And what about the luggage? Who,s going to help.me Carey that suitcase to the platform that 20 years ago I could throw up the m with ease.
We all get older. Our families should realize and try to accommodate that fact

No need to say "nice" like that AuntieE

I took it to mean that the 8 weeks visits were always travelling but the other family only half as many, as some of the time they do the travelling instead.

Irrespective of the actual number of visits the OP finds it exhausting and clearly it will get worse as she ages.
The daughter-in-law is happy for Skiball to visit them so may have a problem with (say) aeroplanes or with pets or something else nothing to do with Skiball.

I think some people are a tad judgemental on here.

If you are involved with groups (as someone said upthread, it's not easy to juggle scheduling to suit your family. Likewise if you are a regular volunteer.

I love my grandchildren and give them all of my attention when we are together (as we were last week) but I do want to enjoy other activities too with my lovely husband, whilst we still can.

Skiball we use WhatsApp to keep in touch between times. Do you think this might help?
Also my mum used to send tiny gifts (of stickers or similar) to my daughter in the post. She was very small and loved getting letters.

How old are the children?
Would your son bring them without their mum?

I would explain to my children that much as I love them and their children travelling to visit every 8 to 10 weeks is getting too much for you.

Why on earth did you commit to this, in the first place?

I saw my grandparents twice a year as a child, but was never in any doubt that they loved my sister and me, and that we loved them.

I realise times have changed, but as we grow older we have to move more slowly, and surely there are other things you and you DH want to do than visit your adult children?

Oh and if that "nice" DIL refuses to visit you in your home, she may have a good reason, you did not say, but right, reason or none, I would suggest she either comes, or sends her children and husband to your place now and again.

If one family will come to you, I think you would only need to visit them every 16 weeks or so?So you would be sharing the visits to see each other every 8 weeks or so, which seems reasonable. With the other family, maybe when they hear what you’re doing, they will do the same and share. I think considering they are far away, meeting up every few months is as much as is possible, indeed, it’s what we do, and I think we are closer to our family than you are. I don’t think it’s a choice of either, or, it’s more about flexibility and practicality as we get older.

Get into the tech age, get a regular time for just a 10-20 mins "hello" with them. This will allow you to send congrats cards (by post or email) for their football score or gym medal etc.
Then you can spread the visits out and perhaps spend a couple of days by plan to fit in.

When my DD’s family lived in Oz I went once a year, for several years, for about six weeks when they were in primary school. We used to take road trips visiting unknown parts, good memories. However, when they eventually came nearer, I calculated that I saw them less as they had busy lives. Distance doesn’t make a difference if you have the health and money, friends usually understand that family come first.

Not really sure what the problem is. You mention the distance you have to travel, but then say one family will visit you. You also mention you’re missing out on events in your personal social life. You have choices in all of this. Set out a plan for the year if you think more planning will make it easier. Take advantage of technology using zoom to catch up. One day your grandkids will be grown up, don’t regret the time you could have spent with them.

Australia? The USA? The distances can be vast and travel energy sapping.
So I do understand that every couple of months can start to seem a bit much as you get older. It takes a week to recover once you’re back home!

If your activities are casual like meeting up with friends, then everyone accepts that family will affect things, but if, for instance, it’s something like belonging to a bowling league, then frequent absences affect it too much for you to really belong and be included. Is this your problem?

As we get older what we can manage changes and we have to start saying I cant do that any more - or at least, I can’t do that as often or for as long. I’ve had to reduce my travel here in the UK to see friends and family because I need more recovery time afterwards. I recently spent some time in the US and it took me nearly a month to get back to normal😬

Inevitably it will increasingly be a choice between the energy you give to travelling to see family and the energy you need to enjoy your life where you are.
The decision really is now or a couple of years down the line?

Some grandparents would juggle hot embers to see their grandchildren. Surely a journey planned to take place every 8 to 10 weeks isn’t unreasonable, unless there’s mobility issues but you don’t mention anything OP?
I guess it is what’s most important to the individual really, having contact with the grandchildren who live some distance away or meeting friends who live locally.
Me and my partner both have a good social life and regularly meet friends for activities, lunch etc but our children and grandchildren are more important and they take priority. If we are visiting family we simply tell our friends, who have families too, that we can’t meet up on such and such a date as we’re away to see family. Our friends understand all this. I guess the OP has a FOMO perhaps.