The sandwich generation

I lost my dad in October and the last four years - after mum died - were hellish; trying to work and care for/organise him from 100 miles away. My children are adults but still need some input.
Dad and I weren’t close and had virtually nothing in common. He had very, shall we say, old fashioned views and alienated the kids years ago.
I feel that I should be grieving but I’m not. I’m just starting to feel free.
My children know that I didn’t have them to care for me in my old age.

My friend who has husband son grandchildren father etc. all needing attention. has one day off a week. She makes sure that her care duties are covered and goes out. she has been doing this for years. If I am at home I ring her up and ask if she woud like to come to tea after she has run her errancds and doen whatever she wants to doon her day out and if she is local not away she ofter comes round for a late tea.

Does the parent who has a few health problems receives attendance allowance?

If she managed to get attendance allowance, you could then apply for carers allowance for yourself provided you are below state pension age and receives less than £196 per week from your part time job.

Ask Age UK for help.

It’s exhausting. I have one good friend dealing with elderly parents and her own young children.

Oreo

It’s called life isn’t it?
Just decide on priorities and be honest with family about what you’re prepared to do or not do.We all require some down time for ourselves.

There are some times of crisis in many families where you just can't put yourself first.
(Well you can but how would you live with yourself?)

I have been exactly where you are, but I had 3 generations. It was 10 years of it and I am just starting to heal from the damage it did to me. I ended up with PTSD, but I have a deeper layer to this since my mother was abusive and we were estranged for some time.

My husband and I will ensure that our children never have to care for us.

We were always so busy with family, now I am on my own and feel guilty we did not make more time for us, I rarely see gc after all those years we had with them I know they love me but are too busy to ring or visit. Its lonely.

Do your Mums have access to all the help, benefits etc to which they are entitled?

You could try ringing AgeUk and asking if it is worth getting a care needs assessment for them both which might help oay for some help.

Another avenue is local organisation who could provide a befriending service for your mums. As Aga says - it's the oxygen mask principle. Look after yourself so you are better able to help others.

I remember remarking to DW, when the last of our parents died, that it was a relief to be orphaned at last.

How you "Book" a couple of days off at least once a month. Just say you aren't going to be available those 2 days, and no need to explain.
Recharge your batteries or you will be no good to anyone

I imagine lots of us have had these pressures. You feel pulled in so many directions and seem to have so little time for yourself.
Is work necessary?
Not having to work would free up some time but I daresay your family responsibilities would increase too.
Work can be a bit of a haven too, where all you have to do is concentrate on your job, and have some adult company.
There are no answers really.
This is a stage of your life where you have to juggle your responsibilities, and make time for those you care for.
It's frustrating and tiring and involves some guilt too.
The light at the end of this tunnel is you grow older, children become easier to care for as they grow up...but you'll lose your mothers, and as the years fly by (and they do,)you'll be the ones looking to family to assist you.
The circle of life, which at times is very difficult - when family is a joy, a blessing but quite often problematic too.
Sounds like you need more time to deal with family matters, and to have some quality time for yourself too, so something has to give. If time cannot be found you have to stretch yourself the best you can and just deal with it.

I often thought of running away when life felt so demanding I didnt.
I'm older now, but family problems and worries of one sort or another still remain.

I sympathise and understand completely Exhausted01 - between working (albeit part time), looking after grandchildren and the stress and the sole responsibility of looking after my mother’s needs who lives in a care home with Alzheimer’s, I’m constantly stressed and exhausted. This is DEFINITELY not what I thought my ‘60s would look like! I do try and be grateful for the positives in my life - I adore the closeness we have with our grandchildren (especially when compared with what some of our friends have who have chosen, let’s say, a more selfish path) and thankfully we still have our health, for which I am eternally grateful! But with our perceived inheritance reduced to zero our future plans mean downsizing in the next twelve months which will be a wrench, but I’m trying to stay positive as it will at least mean I can stop work and maybe relax a bit!!

Been there done that...It is very hard.. now I am the one who is the gran and my daughters are in the position I was in in my /40/50's

I run a women's circle and this overwhelm is prevalent at all ages it seems but yes for us at this stage of life it is hard because of the emotional load on either side. And while still paying off mortgages.

Helping aging then dying parents at the same time as holding down a full-time job and trying to enjoy just one weekend in three with my husband, who also was working full-time, overwhelmed us.

I do not know how we had coped if we had added looking after grand-children to that.

I have not, nearly 20 years later forgotten the shameful sense of relief that washed over me two days after my father's funeral,when I realised that for the first time in 15 years I did not have to worry about how my parents were coping!

Reading Exhausted01's post I realise that we're very lucky to have it so easy.
I try to help my daughter who lives close by and is single with two children - sometimes it is like walking on eggshells as she can be very touchy. However she does like to be as independent as she can so most of the time it isn't very onerous, though the babysitting does get me down at busy partying times of year. I sometimes have to do a rushed school collection if she is stuck somewhere on her way home from work.
Both my own and my husband's parents are no longer alive, so I can't honestly complain that we're exactly rushed off our feet with caring duties.

Yes I know where you’re coming from I had disabled parents from being aged 27 when my children were very small up until 18 months ago when my mum passed away aged 92 !
I’m an only one too, so apart from my lovely DH helping me i was on my own with everything. All I will say is get as much help as you can, with everything, even if they’re reluctant to accept it, not easy I know.
Step back where you can and don’t always be available for the trivial things, the more you do the harder it becomes.
You may have years left of caring yet. I’m late 60s now and still have young DGC. I’m hoping 2026 is the beginning of our time 🤞 The best of luck to you.

This is like putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others. You need to prioritise your own health and well being first.
If you become ill through being overwhelmed then you can't help anyone. You can't be everything to everyone.

It is like every other stage of life from non-stop studying for exams, having very small children in the house, to worrying non-stop about children studying non-stop, to coping with retirement, ill health etc.

All of us are in some stage or another in life an each makes heavy demands on us. now and again it gets too much, but usually we cope and look back on the period with admiration.

My mum has died. My wonderful grandson has grown up. It’s hard when everyone needs you but one day you will wish for those times again. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Then you will cope.

It does sound as if you need a bit of a break. Plan to do something just for you at least one day (or half a day) just for you.
You don't mention wider family or friends but coul you bring them into help at all?
You seem to be taking a lot on yourself here.
Then, what works for me when I get a bit overwhelmed is just to begin a gratitude list- some things to consider if you have them:
Your health
Your family
Your friends
Your home
Your interests and hobbies
I found that twisting the narrative to one og gratitude helped me a lot- but you need to find that place of peace first, so block in the 'me' time and tell everyone you won't be around at that time and get off and do something just for you.

Does seem you have a lot on your plate Exhausted01 maybe it's time to take stock a little and see if you can level things out. Is anyone else available to help with the care of your mothers or could you pay someone to help. Discuss with your daughter the level of help you can provide realistically. You and your husband need some time to relax from your busy schedule. I will be 80 this year and have taken on a lady to help around the house for 2 hours per week. It is surprising how helpful this is.

It’s called life isn’t it?
Just decide on priorities and be honest with family about what you’re prepared to do or not do.We all require some down time for ourselves.

Oh for an edit button. I realise I repeated the bit about company - sorry.

Age UK have a befriending service where they match elderly people who would benefit from a bit of company with someone with similar interests. That may take some of the pressure of you and help with things like that iPad. They're not carers,as such just company and a bit of company. Would that work to take some of the pressure of you with the mum who doesn't need so much help? Age UK is an excellent organisation with lots of information and support for you as well as your mums. 💐