Narcissistic family member

My father was just the same. I was over 50 before i dared to answer back.
It has left me with very low self-esteem and a belief that any, any "compliment" comes with a sting in its tail.
I'm afraid that such behviour isn't curable, but one may be able to give the victim weapons to deal with the situation.

JAN1954. Having lived with numerous narcissistic birth family members, one of whom was my mother, I can empathise. Keep giving support to the daughter. The cruelty of narcissists is shocking and generally goes unpunished. I too behaved like you, as the power was in the narcissist's hands. So, I am not sure if I could have behaved differently. If you view their behaviour as not personal, and part of the narcisssist's MHP they are easier to deal with.

Tell his wife to divorce him and leave with the daughter. If you are the wife you are worth so much more than staying with this abusive man

deedee27

Had 2 years of therapy after a coercive controlling marriage with a narcissist. The last straw was when his bullying started on my 3 year old daughter. On my telling him that I wanted a divorce, he said, ‘ if you divorce me, I’m going to cause mental health problems in our daughter that you’ll have to deal with!’ She still blames me for the break up, aged 30. Her mental health problems are on going and yes, she come to me for support, not her father, who she puts on a pedestal but what can I do…. ? I suck it up- I have no option!

I feel for you deedee27, having experienced something similar. My ex is now dead but posthumously viewed as something of a saint by our daughter. I cannot explain it and walk on eggshells. I can only think that inherited genes may be something to do with it but when daughters are adults, they are responsible for the choices they make. You cannot change people just live the kindest, happiest life that you can.

Anyone involved with a narcissist has my deepest sympathy. I have a narcissistic dil and to see how she has manipulated and totally controlled my step son, changing his personality totally so that I no longer even know him, has been heartbreaking! My only consolation is they live on the other side of the world, and I have finally decided I cannot continue to have her and her poison in my life! My stepson knows I am always here for him if and when he should ever need me, but for now he seems happy - probably because she tells him he is!

Esmay

A narcissist will destroy you as they use you to make themselves feel superior.
Deep down-they are deeply troubled souls ,but are in denial over it .
Your poor daughter needs support and someone to speak up for her until she eventually learns to speak up for herself and walk away .

Sadly,a close member of my family does it to anyone , who is gentle ,meek and mild mannered as if she gets a sick malicious pleasure out of it.
I've seen a look of triumph on her face as she destroys people with her spite ,intrigue and vindictiveness.

I worry about her future .
I see it as lonely and bleak.

I don’t believe the one I knew was a ‘deeply troubled soul’. It was only after he died and other (formerly very well hidden) matters came to light, that everything else made sense and I realised that he was narcissist. Very few ever saw the nasty side of him - to most of the world he was no end of a good bloke, life and soul, etc.
However to those very few, he was supremely selfish and controlling, very mean with money, and constantly needing to be the centre of attention, so that he deeply resented his wife’s illness, when the attention was focused on her.
Needless to say, I felt absolutely no sadness when he died.

Without understanding the dynamics it’s difficult to understand the extent of the situation. You say speaking out will cause more pain so perhaps the only thing you can do is give support and a safe space for daughter. Let her know it’s not her fault and that she is loved. If she’s old enough maybe explain a little about narcissists to reinforce her own self worth. It’s a terrible situation and I feel for the people involved. Being there is so important and she is lucky to have you in her life ❤️ A friend of mine was almost driven to take her own life by a similar situation and it was only when she met her wonderful husband that she realised she was actually a worthy human being. Her narcissistic father destroyed her and she had absolutely nobody to tell her different.

We had years of hell from out DiL who was a narcissitic controlling manipulative person. She controlled our DS and we are now only finding out to what extent she did this. She left him and their 3 children in February 2025 having put a tracker in his car, then later assaulted him, burgled his home and business premises. They divorced in December 2025 and she is now remarried and due to give birth anytime now with the new partner (poor man). The damage it has done to us as a family/parents/grandparents has been enormous but the saving grace is we can now start to build back our relationship with our son and the GC. Not enough is spoken about grandparents who are harmed by these damaged women. (Her mother did the same thing).

JAN1954

Where is this poor girls mother?

Are there siblings?

All you can do is to be her support and rock and gently and slowly see if you can get her to open up and then make some suggestions like therapy.

Does this girl live with her father?

deedee27

Had 2 years of therapy after a coercive controlling marriage with a narcissist. The last straw was when his bullying started on my 3 year old daughter. On my telling him that I wanted a divorce, he said, ‘ if you divorce me, I’m going to cause mental health problems in our daughter that you’ll have to deal with!’ She still blames me for the break up, aged 30. Her mental health problems are on going and yes, she come to me for support, not her father, who she puts on a pedestal but what can I do…. ? I suck it up- I have no option!

How awful!

Had 2 years of therapy after a coercive controlling marriage with a narcissist. The last straw was when his bullying started on my 3 year old daughter. On my telling him that I wanted a divorce, he said, ‘ if you divorce me, I’m going to cause mental health problems in our daughter that you’ll have to deal with!’ She still blames me for the break up, aged 30. Her mental health problems are on going and yes, she come to me for support, not her father, who she puts on a pedestal but what can I do…. ? I suck it up- I have no option!

A narcissist will destroy you as they use you to make themselves feel superior.
Deep down-they are deeply troubled souls ,but are in denial over it .
Your poor daughter needs support and someone to speak up for her until she eventually learns to speak up for herself and walk away .

Sadly,a close member of my family does it to anyone , who is gentle ,meek and mild mannered as if she gets a sick malicious pleasure out of it.
I've seen a look of triumph on her face as she destroys people with her spite ,intrigue and vindictiveness.

I worry about her future .
I see it as lonely and bleak.

She needs to go to a counsellor who is well trained in these matters. It may cost a bit but is worth it to throw a light on his behaviour and also on ways of tackling it. He is a bully and only makes himself feel good by belittling 'gentle' people. If they do not have an audience they are powerless. The behaviour is only fuelled by an audience which fuels them. Check out Richard Grannon on You Tube. He has some brilliant videos of what constitutes narcissistic behaviour and it is very enlightening.

SAGO how right you are a Narc will never change
Interestingly threads on this type of subject never go very far !!

I am emerging from a ghastly marriage break up and divorce. It has taken years to extricate myself emotionally from this relationship. I had two years of therapy to help me with the grief and pain. What I came to realise was that my wife was a narcissist and I was recovering from “trauma bonding “
I was blamed for everything, everything was always my fault. The constant put downs and the boring monologues about how wonderful she was. Spending all my time trying to appease and make her happy.
I’m now in a relationship with someone who could not be more different. Someone who genuinely loves and cares about me. But the pain and loss of this failed relationship with a narcissist is deep and may never fully go away.
Give as much support as you can

I had a narcissistic Mother and a physically abusive Father.

I wish growing up I had someone in my life who told me it wasn’t my fault and explained how narcissists operate.

It would have helped me enormously.

A narc will never change and will always believe they are right, you will never win.

Oh my gosh JAN1954 -;how awful for this young girl - I take it she is young. Regardless, what a nasty piece of work the father is. What does her mother have to say about all this or are you the girl’s mother ?
Speak up please!

How old is the daughter?