My daughter has split up with her husband

It is clear that your DD has been lied to and deceived throughout their five year marriage which must be devastating. She is wise to leave the marriage while the children are still tiny.

You are clearly doing the right thing in offering all the support you can but it must be very tiring and traumatic for you and your DH to be in the thick of it.

I was in a situation similar to this many years ago and all I can say is try to discourage your DD if she decides to go back and try again. Not that you can stop her if she that is what decides.

Things will get better and calmer one way or another in the long run even if that seems an impossible dream at the moment. I still feel that I have to be careful not to share my feelings about my GCs' dad with them.

I can relate to Marzipan’s post. The same thing happened to my little grandson. Now, aged 20, you couldn’t wish for a more grounded and self-confident young man. Please don’t worry, OP, with your support all will be well.

Not all children accept their parents splitting up so well. My SIL told my brother she didn’t love him any more and that there was nobody else involved. He moved out because he wanted the 3 kids to stay in their home. They were 5, 10 and 12.

Of course she had lied and had someone else move in after a few weeks! The 12 year old was terribly affected, developed a serious eating disorder and from then until she left home at 18 was never in the same room or spoke to her Mum’s new man. Imagine living in the same house as a man you detest!
They spent a couple of nights a week with their Dad. As Adults all 3 have hangups about their childhood.

It’s painful, isn’t it summerskies? So much easier when our adult children were little and had little problems. We found our way through by listening and waiting to be told what our adult child needed. 9 years on all is calm and settled, a new, happier, life gradually evolved for them both.

I can't advise but I can tell you what it was like for me. My son's relationship broke up when my grandson was two and the little chap went between his dad's and mum's houses three times a week with his tiny backpack on. It almost broke my heart and at times I felt overwhelmed. I looked after him endlessly during the days his dad was working and consequently we're very close.

He's 16 now and has continued to inhabit two worlds (his mum is hippy-ish, his dad more of a businessman) all this time, enjoying the variety. He doesn't know any other way. He's a lovely, wise, grounded teenager. Anyway, that may not console you now because the future is a long way off, but believe me I do know how you feel. 🥀

When his mum asked him the other day what he remembered about his childhood we thought he would mention his two lives, as he is very honest and open, but he said, 'Nana's metal tape measure that used to zip back in really quickly like a snake.' 😂

It is so hard ... my parents went through all this twice with my 2 siblings. I do not think you can do any more than you already are. Good luck with it all.

Opinions.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, all you can do is be there for her and it’s sounds like you are. It is devastating for parents of an AC going through this, but keep your options to yourself.
No matter what she says, do not give your opinion, nod and say ‘yes dear’.
There will be more rocky days ahead, sorting the houses, shared parental responsibilities, money issues, so just listen, give practical help where possible.
Try to be her rock. Sending you my best wishes.

I should have said '5 year marriage' not message