Dilemma with elderly mum

It's tough but I think DH is right, it's time to get off the fence and make proactive changes for the good of everyone. You, and Mum, have to grasp the nettle that her current flimsy "support" arrangement is too precarious and too hard on everyone. It has to change.

So look at some options.

Downsizing + a move south is s lightly complicated procedure ( for instance, selling in Scotland/ buying in England will require two estate agents AND two lawyers and the trouble of trying to integrate chains in two countries).

So, I wonder if you have considered selling Scotland and moving to rental here, ahead of the next stage, househunting a new home in England.

* Organising , decluttering and sale will distract DH from resenting your Mum

* It simplifies your move.

* Mum has time ( and your help) to find a safer lifestyle.

She might surprise you and announce "If I'm going into residential care I'd prefer to be near you in England/ or near our other family.

Is DS happy about this? I ask because I know people who have moved to be nearer to ac only for the ac to then move away. In any case you would have to get used to a new area and make new friends and entertainment as you cannot rely on Ds and family the whole time especially as they already have their own lives, so not necessarily as you imagine it will be. I am just being devil’s advocate here. If you do stay where you are I think you need to take more steps to ease the load.

I also think you should do what suits you and your Dh whilst making the best arrangements for your mother. Worst case scenario is that either you or your Dh becomes sick as well, and you’ll be stuck in an unsuitable house and also unable to care for your mother. Make the move now while you can.

I think you should also be straight with your siblings and explain the situation to them fully. Even if they can’t help physically they could perhaps contribute financially or help by doing some research into suitable care homes etc.

Very best wishes.

I can only add that my mum had a new lease of life in a care home after Dad died. No more housework, washing or cooking, no worries about where the next meal was coming from, company when she wanted it, entertainment sometimes.
I was working full time and living 80 miles away, my sister was in a Home herself. No other relatives. It was the best arrangement. She chose to stay in her own area as she wanted friends and neighbours to visit.

Please listen to your DH

You only have time to live - you can help take care of your mother and still have your own independence

I really feel your inner torment and your DH. A friend who lived near to me has dementia. She has no family in this country. So me and another friend cared for her for as long as we could. We talked to her family in Sweden and agreed that is was no longer sustainable. She is now in a care home and looked after safely and with care. She enjoys life in the care home and has made some good friends. Not the same as your situation but I understand your feelings. I wonder if talking to your mum about what you would like to do, she's probably picked up on it anyway, and she might agree with you. In many ways it would be ideal if she could go into a care home near to where you'd like to move to. It must be very exhausting doing everything for her to keep her where she is. And you could say this, she probably knows anyway. Explain how lovely it would be to visit her and just enjoy her company and take her for days out, if she's able. She could enjoy the company of others in the home too. You might even say that your DH really would like to do this too as he also is finding the upkeep of your home too much.She may surprise you and be happy to go along with it, especially if she knows that you both would like to do this. It's never as bad if you bring it out into the open. I wish you all the best.

I think you need to listen to your own inner voice. Your mum will have no near family and you say she has no friends, so if you move she will be totally alone. I’m guessing that’s what’s holding you back, and it’s going to be forever on your conscience if you leave her - so the only answer which solves that is, she has to come too. As she is housebound, and your husband presumably won’t want her to live with you, I think you need a two pronged approach, looking for something suitable for her as well as something for yourselves?

Posted too soon . Then your mum could have been given the choice to come with you or move near the other sibling before her health worsened more. Has she got enough capital/ income to fund more care because I’d be surprised if the LA would fund enough to make up for what you do for her. I think your suggestion of finding a care home for her near where you move to is the best idea but the gap between your moving and her moving could prove problematic.

You and your DH have to take some responsibility for letting things drift over the last 10 years. You coulx have arranged to move much earlier

We were in the same situation and I understand your feelings about your mum. I agree let her make her own mind up to move somewhere near you when you go. But if she doesn’t want to go give her the option of finding cleaners careers etc, I think you owe it to your husband to start putting things in place. Certainly I would speak to your siblings it’s not just your problem.

I think the needs of your husband should come first. You need to ask for professional advice, not try to deal with it on your own.

A dilemma certainly. If you did move south and your mum needed a care home then you can look at care homes in your new area, there shouldn’t be a problem.
To get assistance with fees your mum would need to be assessed by SS.
Best check as things may have changed.
I hope things can be sorted out satisfactorily.