Dilemma with elderly mum

Please make the move while the two of you are still sprightly and able to manage the upheaval.

An odd thought, if you do move down south, are there connecting flights from airports near to where you son lives and where your mother lives? Why I say this is that when we were in Southampton we used to be able to get flights to Manchester, Leeds etc and be in the north quite quickly within an hour or so. May be worth bearing in mind. Also, a really detailed care package is worth looking for. I hope it all turns out for you both. Time is of the essence.

100% what Sasta says.

Sorry you have such a selfish, self centred mother. Make the change before it is too late. You and your DH must come first.
Sad to read V3ras post. Don't let that be you OP.

What a difficult situation Sue2505. You have been so kind, both of you spending your retirement looking after your mum, who by the sound of it seems terribly self centred and rather ungrateful. I know she’s old but I get fed up with that being an excuse to manipulate people and be so self centred. I think your husband deserves to come first now, he’s no spring chicken and you want to enjoy whatever time you have left. You are also missing out on your grandchildren. I think a granny flat where you move to would be the best if you can afford it. Alternatively if she won’t move, a more comprehensive care package where your mum lives now. Enough is enough, no wonder your husband it’s cheesed off, you both need a break and to enjoy life with your family closer.

I can see how you are torn....my mum is 90 now...lives 1hr 30 mins from us...we see her every 2 to 3 weeks....still gets out and about with friends but we are her closest family.....we are currently looking to downsize to a bungalow.....looking for one that will also accommodate my mum should she want that later on

Casdon

I think you need to listen to your own inner voice. Your mum will have no near family and you say she has no friends, so if you move she will be totally alone. I’m guessing that’s what’s holding you back, and it’s going to be forever on your conscience if you leave her - so the only answer which solves that is, she has to come too. As she is housebound, and your husband presumably won’t want her to live with you, I think you need a two pronged approach, looking for something suitable for her as well as something for yourselves?

Totally agree with this.

We had family members in your position; they had always planned to join their daughter (only child) in Australia but the wife wouldn't go while her mum was still alive.
There were three other siblings who were all very involved with the elderly mum.

The husband died before the mum, the wife didn't want to emigrate on her own. All their plans came to nothing.

Thanks to you all for your thoughts and suggestions.

My mum is very selfish and self centered and I know she won’t think about us and how we might feel, it will be all about her and how it will impact on her life. She doesn’t want to leave her flat and she is very set in her ways. A couple of months ago I couldn’t do her shopping until the afternoon and she complained that it was always her who had to be the one to suffer when her routine had to be changed, so the chances are that she’ll refuse to even consider going into a care home.

The move to be nearer to our DS has been encouraged by him and we have had many conversations about where we would live. We want to be near enough to help with the children now and again but most definitely not living on their doorstep. Both my DH and I are both very physically active and do everything we can to ensure that, hopefully, we will stay that way. We have said to our DS that if he and his family want to move and live elsewhere in the future that we would be totally behind him and tell him to go and do it. We have also told him that we will never leave him in the situation we are in now and we will go into care if that is what is needed.

We never dreamt that after 10 years we would still be waiting. As Calendargirl said no one in the family expected her to live to this age. She has always been very unhealthy, her diet is very poor and she has had weight issues for years and has never liked doing any sort of exercise, so with her heart condition it’s amazing that she is still with us.

Are you sure DS and his family are happy for you to move closer? Will he be worried about history repeating itself and providing care for you and DH in the future?

Tenko

Casdon

I’ve been thinking a bit more about this, and I don’t think that if the Local Authority will be required to pay mum’s care home fees, it would be an option to move her directly to a new area, because if she doesn’t have established residency she is not their financial responsibility? Maybe renting a flat for her initially would be feasible.

My late fil moved from London to Surrey to be closer to us and the LA in London paid for his care home fees, as he’d been a resident there for most of his life . He was totally funded by SS as he had no property and minimal savings . This was 12 years ago and things might have changed .

I think the issue would be that OP’s mum isn’t already resident in a care home. If she was, I think the original LA will pay for two years if she changes authority, but if she’s currently receiving care at home there would be a big step up cost for either LA to bear. As the strategy is now to keep people in their own home as long as possible, the threshold for admission to care home has been set at a higher level of dependency, so mum would need to be reassessed. It’s a dilemma.

Well that’s a different story isn’t it? If Mum refused point blank to move knowing she’d be totally alone, but my guess in the OP’s case is that she would go with them.

Hardly anybody does ever want to move to a care home! And old people can become remarkably selfish and self centred in expecting family to run around after them non stop.

If she’s in a rental, presumably there wouldn’t be enough money to self fund a care home, so IMO you will have to tell her that you’re arranging for carers/shopping etc., and you WILL be moving, since home maintenance is just getting too much, even without caring for her, too.

Please do it, OP, don’t let your dh get so exhausted that it seriously affects his health. I have known someone who died of a heart attack, caused largely by running round non stop after an ancient and very demanding uncle. And I doubt very much that he’s the only one.

But what if Mum refuses to come?!
We had this situation 5 years ago when we wanted to retire from farming. We told mil we would look for somewhere with a granny annexe but she insisted she was going to stay put.
We refused to be emotionally blackmailed and the move has been the best thing we have done. She continued in a totally unsuitable house with visiting care.
Move now! The actual process of moving is exhausting and if you leave it any longer you won't cope with it.
The main problem with people living longer is that their "children" who are caring for them are also elderly with all that entails.

SueDonim

I also think you should do what suits you and your Dh whilst making the best arrangements for your mother. Worst case scenario is that either you or your Dh becomes sick as well, and you’ll be stuck in an unsuitable house and also unable to care for your mother. Make the move now while you can.

I think you should also be straight with your siblings and explain the situation to them fully. Even if they can’t help physically they could perhaps contribute financially or help by doing some research into suitable care homes etc.

Very best wishes.

I agree with this post.

Casdon

I’ve been thinking a bit more about this, and I don’t think that if the Local Authority will be required to pay mum’s care home fees, it would be an option to move her directly to a new area, because if she doesn’t have established residency she is not their financial responsibility? Maybe renting a flat for her initially would be feasible.

My late fil moved from London to Surrey to be closer to us and the LA in London paid for his care home fees, as he’d been a resident there for most of his life . He was totally funded by SS as he had no property and minimal savings . This was 12 years ago and things might have changed .

Casdon

I think you need to listen to your own inner voice. Your mum will have no near family and you say she has no friends, so if you move she will be totally alone. I’m guessing that’s what’s holding you back, and it’s going to be forever on your conscience if you leave her - so the only answer which solves that is, she has to come too. As she is housebound, and your husband presumably won’t want her to live with you, I think you need a two pronged approach, looking for something suitable for her as well as something for yourselves?

I absolutely agree with this advice.
I think it would be awful to move and leave Mum behind on her own at the age of 93.
Take her with you and if living with you isn’t possible in the long term, find a small apartment very local to your new house for her.
It would be very very unkind to leave her behind.

I agree, I wouldn't want either of my sons feeling tied because I needed care. I'd rather go into care in that situation.
I disagree that you should have done all this earlier, you've kept your mum company & offered her peace of mind by being near all this time, & your DH was happy to postpone your plans.
Now things have changed, you can combine down-sizing with a move to the area you want to be in.
A care home near where you're moving to would sound the most feasible to me, but there are always options, there'll be a way of making the move work and making sure your mum has everything she needs. The hardest part is realising that the time has come to do it.
Your DH probably finds the arguments as difficult as you do, I can understand him feeling he has to assert himself. Houses that are too big & gardens that need lots of work can drag you down.Also he probably doesn't want to see you sacrificing your life to looking after mum, because he cares about you.
Best of luck with everything.

I have a friend who two years ago had a very similar dilemma. They’re in their early 70s retired at 66 and have decided to stay to care for my friend’s mum who is now 97 and in good health. She’s an only one.
In my opinion they should have left, and taken mum with them and maybe looked for a care home nearby. Her husband resents the fact they stayed, and was often bored and fed up, he’s now gone back to work, so now she’s fed up, and they can’t go away much because he’s working.
I would make plans ASAP. Who knows what’s around the corner.

If I thought that one of my sons couldn't do something he wanted for himself and his wife [and they were 77 and 70] because of me I would be upset. And especially so if it was causing a rift between them.

I am responsible for my own life and health and care. It is not their burden, unless they are happy with it. I would detect resentment anyway and feel unhappy/guilty about it.

I'd rather have food delivered and an experienced carer coming in every day if I was housebound. I have budgeted for this. If I needed more care a nursing home it would have to be. Of course a visit once a month or so would be lovely and I'd like to see my sons and my DiL's happy with their lives. That's just me.

I'm for sons and daughters living their life fully, especially as they get older too. I don't expect them to drag me along nor for me to drag them down. 'Duty' isn't always done with a good grace, in which case it isn't done with genuine affection.

I’ve been thinking a bit more about this, and I don’t think that if the Local Authority will be required to pay mum’s care home fees, it would be an option to move her directly to a new area, because if she doesn’t have established residency she is not their financial responsibility? Maybe renting a flat for her initially would be feasible.

I am in my mid-80's. I moved nearly seven years ago to be close to one of my daughters (she had been wanting me to do so for years). I see her once a week, but know she is there nearby (even works very close), for emergencies.

My own independence is very important to me, and although I have several physical problems, I can manage pretty well, lovely flat, do not have a cleaner, use mobility scooter or electric wheelchair to get me around.

The MOST important thing for me is NOT IN ANY WAY to have too much impact on the lives of my children. I would really hate it if they made any big decisions in their lives (like moving), and taking me into consideration. I have lived my life and want them to continue living theirs.

Of course the OP's hubbie must be her first consideration. Mum needs to be told (not asked) and given alternative of staying as she is with added help coming in - or going into a home near to where they are moving.

Could you initially over the next couple of months start to go through your own house and see what you can get rid of ready for the move? This will give your husband something to focus on initially. Also, things down south can be more expensive than further north and this also needs to be kept in mind. All the best with whatever decision you make.

Only.Sue knows whats right to do in her heart.

If she found a care home down south mum would not even know where she was and Sue could move with her DH and visit mum as she wishes.

Yes just ignore my opinion as I am biased.

Is there any chance of you moving, and providing your mum with a granny annexe type arrangement?
She could still have carers cone in to help her and you'd be close.

I knew soneone who was able to let her mum have a bedroom and small living room (at the other end of her bungalow!) and that worked out well.