Being excluded from Hen do!

Jess20

Wait a minute, it's her hen do and I thought it was supposed to be her friends. Did your son invite her Dad to his stag do? It's not the thing as far as I understood etiquette! I think you're getting upset about it because if your expectations not her intention to exclude you!

You need to read the OP. It wasn’t just the young woman’s friends but her mother and auntie as well, if it had just been friends am pretty sure the OP wouldn’t have been bothered.

Why did her own mother not say to her that you should be invited?? Whether you go or not is irrelevant but you should have been asked. I personally hate these things and reluctantly went to my daughter's . To me it's for bride's pals/ bridesmaids. Rise above it,hard I know. Sending hugs🥰🥰

I would nicely say oh how lovely that you had all the women you care about at your hen do I hope you had a lovely time . I would say that as nice and genuine as I could and let it sink in

Bit nasty

I really know how you feel the same thing has happened to me on a couple of occasions. I did not say anything but the hurt is still there years later. I wonder if I had said something at the time the hurt wouldn't have lasted but who knows! I would like to think that your future DIL didn't realise how hurt you feel

That is incredibly hurtful and whether it was meant or not it is still not acceptable. I would be very tempted to say ''perhaps you should get one of 'the women you care about to look after your daughter'".
I would almost always opt for maintaining the harmony especially with DIL's but would find this incredibly distressing and she needs to know this one way or another.

Awful! Think I'd be cynical and just throw a comment like" I do hope I'll have an actual invitation to the wedding just to make sure I am invited as I seemed to have been missed of the hen do". Absolutely no excuse for you not to have been invited especially as you are actively involved in childcare.

Wait a minute, it's her hen do and I thought it was supposed to be her friends. Did your son invite her Dad to his stag do? It's not the thing as far as I understood etiquette! I think you're getting upset about it because if your expectations not her intention to exclude you!

What a horrible thing to happen to you and rubbed in with dil comments.
I wouldn’t mention it to your son as it’s not fair to involve him as he isn’t involved I don’t think.
I’m not perfect so would have to mention it to dil or it would keep on running round my head.
I think some well thought out words very carefully said along the lines of. “ I’m pleased you had such a lovely time in -. I would loved to have been asked to join the fun “.
Only then could I stop festering about it, I know myself and otherwise it would just get bigger and consume more and more of my time thinking it through.

I wasn't invited to my DiL's Hen do..... I consider myself lucky!

In May I went with daughter, son in law and teenage grandsons to my nephew’s wedding in Barbados! A very expensive trip.
My sister in law died 3yrs ago so I felt duty bound to go and as it would probably be the last ‘big’ family get together I scrimped and saved.
It was a stunning locality. I too wasn’t invited to any of the hen dos either in UK or Barbados. I thought also because I am 77! But no, the 2 grandmas, mother of the bride (naturally) and brides aunt (well she did host it)!
Yes I also felt excluded, and as of writing still not recieved a ‘thank you’ for going and the very sentimental present!
Don’t young people do thank yous anymore!
Are we both making too much of this? Don’t know

I never expected to be invited to a hen night. My DiLs may have had something with their friends and family but I didn't hear about it
DD had an away weekend with her pals but then shortly before her wedding I was included for a meal out with all the women on both sides of the family.
It was fun and came as a surprise. Her Sisters in law my DsiL had helped to make it fun with silly games and special gifts. We got to know each other and I am closer to her in-laws now than I am to any of the others.

Well 3 years ago my late husband my sister and brother and myself were going to a nephew's wedding and we had bought our wedding outfits which were expensive and we noticed that there had been a hen party at a nice restaurant with all ages of people.y sister and I weren't happy and my sister rang the nephews parents. Looking back deja vu the mother out sister in law was so nasty and ignorant and when we asked could we have been invited we were told no it's for close family only. Since then we have been totally ignored no communication and remarks made against everything
Well I'm not interested in putting things right they are so arrogant and the attitudes are awful I wasn't brought up to be like that I would never have said close family only

I wasn’t invited to either of my dil hen do’s feeble excuses. I did rise above it but never forgot being left out. It was the same when the grandchildren were born my husband and myself feel the same but we do rise above it. But definitely never forget the hurt.

I am sorry you have been hurt. But i suggest you look at it in the context of a long family relationship ahead of you all. You can take a deep slow breath, step back, and in your mind remember this was her choice, and you can choose to wish it had been otherwise BUT accept that it happened, and move on. This may be hard - or may (and i hope will ) feel dignified and appropriate. And over the years ahead, my bet is that you will be glad not to have complained at such a critical moment in building a new set of family relationships.

Having been there. I would say nothing at all.

I have my grandchild several times a week and have done for quite a few years. I would like to continue, so I say nothing at all. I bite my tongue.

I'm sorry you were upset by futureDIL.

Perhaps remain silent, never say a word about her hen do.

Passive aggression or telling your son are not good ideas, imo.

It seems to be the don e thing with women does'nt it, I would have loved female friends but my goodness they can be nasty and they talk about being awful.

I totally understand why you are upset. I wasn’t invited to one of our daughter in law’s hen do. I don’t think her mother was but I’m not really sure. I put it down to the fact that we come from a different class to her and she didn’t think I would get on with her well off friends. I would say to her that you’re upset then do as I have done ‘put it to bed’.

Goodness...No wonder your upset.I had a D I L like that.Horrible cow.Thankfully..my other 2 are good.xxx

It happened to me too. I want to see my granddaughter so I keep my mouth shut. I also am very nice to my daughter in law which I think does more good than harm. If your grandddaughter sees you in a positive light, she’ll question your daughter in law when she is older. My mother wasn’t treated nicely by my father’s family, I can see it now I’m older. That generation have all passed now. My dad’s sister treated me badly too, too late to ask her why. It hurts, but take the higher ground.

Yes, as others have said, like the Peatys and Ramseys and we have all seen how that has played out especially with the aunt constantly poking her nose in.
I’d say nothing but file it away for future reference. A slightly smaller birthday and Christmas present maybe. I’d keep up my relationship with my son, being non committal, and look forward to seeing the little grandchild, not offer her help otherwise.

I thank heavens neither of my daughters are like this. And if they were I’d be saying something.

Here is what I would want to do:
If I were contributing to the wedding, I would quietly withdraw my offer ...
I would ask her (or my son) if the hen party members were the wedding guests and if so presume that I wasn't wanted or welcome there ...
Start being very busy when needed for GC duties ...
Start being very needy for my son's time, asking him to bring my GC but to leave my dil at home as "she must really need some alone time" ...
Make subtle remarks about how she is only interested in herself ...

What I would actually do:
Absolutely nothing. My son and my grandchildren (there could be more!) mean more to me than any 'event'

I was excluded from a relative's hen do a few years ago. I was briefly put out when I saw the photos on social media - until I realised I'd had a lucky escape.
The comment was mean though, especially if you do childcare for her.

I feel your hurt. How did today go with the met-up with her and your DGD?