Being excluded from Hen do!

I might say something further down the line once they are settled and married !
However, I would be relieved not to have to endure a hen do if I am totally honest! My idea of hell !!!

TerriBull

Very exclusionary words! I'd call out "all the women I care about were there" to her face "what am I then a non person outside the context of being a loving grandmother?" let her squirm her way out of that, particularly if she knew this was something you were going to read.

She sounds very thoughtless I'm sorry you're so hurt.

I agree. I'd have to say something to her or I'd stew on it for ages.

Glenfinnan

I would comment on the post … along the lines… ‘ pleased you all had a wonderful time together … special family memories’ just so she knows you saw it!!

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of letting her know I saw it. I say ignore it and carry on. The grandchild and son are who matters in all this.

I think that it's absolutely shocking that you've been excluded in this way. Sad to say that it says a lot about your future DiL. I do think it's not unreasonable to say to your son how distressed and excluded you felt. He probably didn't even think about it. He should have and so should she. You could ask him if this is going to be how it is in future? That might get him thinking and remembering your hurt.

Roxynounou

My future DIL has just come back from her Hen weekend. I wasn't invited and had thought it was just because it was for the younger ones. But the bride to be, has posted pictures and the group includes her mother, aunt and her brothers girlfriend!,,,. I didnt expect to go but the comment that "all the women I care about are here"! Has really knocked me. She just messaged me to say I can arrive a little later tomorrow ( I look after my GD tomorrow) as she is taking GD to visit a new nursery. I can honesty say I can't remember the last time I cried.

Just to let you know, you are not the only one. I too didn't have an invite to my DIL hen. I really do understand how you are feeling. I've been there.
It is not my type of scene at all, but to be asked would have been nice.

How hurtful!
I think if it were me, l would mull and worry about it until l had to say something. That’s not particularly good advice, but l have spent a lifetime of keeping my mouth shut when really l should have said something about so many things. I think l could just about cope with not being asked to the ‘do’ but she must know you’d have seen the picture with the comment on it, which would have upset anyone. I’m sorry, we live in a particularly thoughtless age and some people are very good at upsetting others. You sound like a lovely grandmother and she’s jolly lucky to have you.

I would comment on the post … along the lines… ‘ pleased you all had a wonderful time together … special family memories’ just so she knows you saw it!!

I'm very sorry and I ask what on earth is wrong with people?

All this excluding and game playing and on line bragging. It's very unpleasant.

I don't think you should involve yourself in passive aggressive behaviour, things may escalate. A few well chosen words perhaps?

Astitchintime

Very thoughtless of future DIL……..but I’d not say anything……sooner put it on the back burner and make a mental note to not be quite so available or prepared to dance to her tune!

Absolutely this 💯

pably15

It was very unkind of her to say " all the women I care about were there ", so I would be otherwise engaged when asked to mind the GC.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face, maybe?

I too would be very hurt especially by the comment! Why do people have to be so horrible my conscience wouldn’t let me do it!

I am assuming you must have known your daughter in law for some years as your granddaughter is at nursery. If this is out of character, ignore it; put it down to pre-wedding excitement and do not mention it.
However be prepared for similar 'thoughtless' exclusions in future and should they occur do not let them pass without comment, as in, 'oh I am sorry you didn't tell me, I would have loved to have come.'

2Understand

I was just thinking of how the next several years after they marry will play out. Will she continue to exclude you from family events or "forget" to tell you about dance recitals? I'm so sorry I can only imagine how this hurt you. I'm not sure "thoughtless" explains it.

I agree, it was a deliberate exclusion.

luluaugust

I think you are best saying nothing, for one thing the wedding must be anytime now and you don’t want a problem with that.
I have never been to a hen do and thought they were just for the bride to be and friends, taking mum along seems rather inhibiting.

The goal posts keep changing with regard to hen dos, I personally think that hen dos and stags are an antiquated custom that are now too expensive and should be scrapped but that is my opinion. Obvs they can cause upset and division before the wedding even takes place.

I have noticed that people often post things without thinking through the implications of what they are writing. (it even happens on GN sometimes) I think it is one of the hazards of social media and people, including me, should try to be more considerate of what they write.

My only advice is, don't lose sight of your relationship with your GD and do anything in spite that will upset that relationship and possibly hurt your GD.

I think you are best saying nothing, for one thing the wedding must be anytime now and you don’t want a problem with that.
I have never been to a hen do and thought they were just for the bride to be and friends, taking mum along seems rather inhibiting.

Agreed! I'd want to say something but wouldn't for fear of losing touch with your DC. Instead I'd bank that awfully hurtful comment for when/if an appropriate time came up.

Sounds as if you are a very caring and kind lady. However, you now have her measure. Meet it with your measure. Don't be so available, do what suits you, and let her get your measure, inch by inch. Crying has helped to relieve the pent up emotions, but it is not a way forward. Bring out the 'you' in you . She sounds like one of the these modern self entitled types who thinks they are a princess and everyone is there for their benefit.

Mmm it’s the comment for me too, totally unnecessary! I’m pleased you can move on and forget. Hope that’s the end of her thoughtlessness. Ignore and carry on.

I understand how you feel. Not being invited to the hen do wouldn't particularly have bothered me, but the comment about 'all the women I care about are here' would have cut quite deep. Hard as it is, I'd just keep my thoughts to myself and rise above.

Roxy I feel for you, I would have been hurt & upset too. Mothers, m.i.l & s.i.l, aunties from both sides are always invites, it's all the females from both sides of the family that make up the hen do party. This is how it was for both my daughter's hen dos. I would say something in a clever way, to let her know how hurt you were, just a throw out comment. You must be close if you look after your GD once per week.

No “put up or shut up” does mean “put up with it”. When said together it means the opposite. Otherwise putting up ‘with it’ would be the same as ‘shutting up”!

“Put your dukes up" means to make a fist and get ready to fight. It comes from old British rhyming slang where the "Duke of York" rhymes with "fork," an old word for a hand or finger.

Over time, people shortened "Duke of York" to just "dukes".

So, when I said what I did, I meant either tackle it in some way (I’d have to say something but that’s me) or ‘shut up’ and accept it.

Maybe she had the idea that it was only for ‘blood’ relatives? Very strange but a few can be like that. Usually hen does are only for young ones and workmates here and older ones wouldn’t be invited anyway.

You don't have to answer this but, looking at the photos, would you have enjoyed it?
For me, the important thing going forward is keeping a good relationship with the child.
🌼 🌸 🌻

Cressy

A similar scenario has recently played out all over the news regarding the swimmer Adam Peaty. His fiancée didn’t invite her MiL to be to her hen do. Mil expressed her hurt on social media and now both sides of the family are estranged. It’s hurtful but I would advise engaging your higher brain if you do decide to mention it. The consequences could be devastating.

Yes, just saw Peaty (now known as Adam Ramsay-Peaty) on the news. It not only caused a rift in the family but he seems to have lost his golden touch in sport too.

I hope you can move on from this hurt, Roxynounou, and can form a reasonable relationship with your daughter-in-law.