Being excluded from Hen do!

How hurtful, but as Noel Coward and others here have said, rising above it is the noblest course.
I personally hate a hen do and is it possible your DIL assumed you might too?

To “put up” to me is to accept a situation and do nothing.

Cressy

A similar scenario has recently played out all over the news regarding the swimmer Adam Peaty. His fiancée didn’t invite her MiL to be to her hen do. Mil expressed her hurt on social media and now both sides of the family are estranged. It’s hurtful but I would advise engaging your higher brain if you do decide to mention it. The consequences could be devastating.

I was thinking of him when reading the previous posts.
Least said, soonest mended was one of my Granny's mantras.
Even if the OP has to almost bite her tongue in half, don't say a word, not even the merest hint that she is upset. Slap on a smile and pretend there hasn't been a hen do. Rise above the nasty remarks. Looking cheerful will likely get under her skin even more than if something is said. Keep her guessing!

A similar scenario has recently played out all over the news regarding the swimmer Adam Peaty. His fiancée didn’t invite her MiL to be to her hen do. Mil expressed her hurt on social media and now both sides of the family are estranged. It’s hurtful but I would advise engaging your higher brain if you do decide to mention it. The consequences could be devastating.

I feel your hurt Roxynounou.
Especially since you care for her child. It doesn't bode well does it

I would need to say something.
Social media is awful though isn't it.
I am not a friend of either DD or my 3 DiLs on FB and am glad of it.
Sending hugs. 🤗
What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. (As the saying goes)

My question would be, how old is your DIL? Young people and posts on social media are sometimes just "fake", sort of showing off, comments that mean nothing - "my bestie", "the people I love most" etc. Insincere, really.

I'm assuming by "put up" you mean put up with it because you love your son and don't want to put him in a difficult position, especially with a wedding coming up.

I'd do the same.

Good luck.

I think it's enough to have a good relationship with my children's partners, they chose my child as their partner not me. If over the years they come to value my friendship, that's great but as long as I have a good relationship with them and a close relationship with my children and grandchildren, I'll be perfectly happy. tbh I think it's perfectly normal to have closer relationships with your own family than with the "in laws".

I was just thinking of how the next several years after they marry will play out. Will she continue to exclude you from family events or "forget" to tell you about dance recitals? I'm so sorry I can only imagine how this hurt you. I'm not sure "thoughtless" explains it.

I’m so sorry you’re upset and I think I would be too. I’m assuming the photos and comment were on a sm group which you’re on too , which is very thoughtless of her. I think I’d drop a comment about the lovely photos and you’re glad she had a great time . And see what happens .
Tbh , when did it become a thing that mothers and mils go to hen dos ?

Very exclusionary words! I'd call out "all the women I care about were there" to her face "what am I then a non person outside the context of being a loving grandmother?" let her squirm her way out of that, particularly if she knew this was something you were going to read.

She sounds very thoughtless I'm sorry you're so hurt.

Astitchintime

Very thoughtless of future DIL……..but I’d not say anything……sooner put it on the back burner and make a mental note to not be quite so available or prepared to dance to her tune!

Good advice, I would do the same

Roxynounou

I am going to put up! I love my son dearly and wouldn't want to put him in a difficult position. I shared on here as I agree with much of the advice generally shared on this site. Thank you for the usual sensible advice. Luckily I'm one of those people who can move on and forget.

Roxy not being pedantic but just before you get in trouble by using the phrase wrongly 😬

“Put up or shut up” doesn’t mean ‘put up with it”

It means put up your fists and have a fight about something or just st drop it.

Did you mean I am going to put up ?🤔

My DIL invited her gf's, sisters. mother aunts etc to her Hen do and not me. No offence or hard feelings at all. Son had diplomatically warned both of us that her ideal Hen shindig "wasn't his Mum's kind of thing".

He knew I'd absolutely loathe it.

It was an all-day "luxury" Spa "pamper" day with make-up makeovers, manicures, followed by a dinner with "extreme" male stripper. The whole thing heavily fuelled by alcohol (part of her culture )

My idea of hell. Sooner stick pins in my eyes.

DIL and I get on very well (for 20 years) because despite our differences we 've found plenty in common to enjoy about each other.

I don’t think you should say anything to anyone at all apart from seeking consolation here and from close friends perhaps. Nothing good will come of it.

An invitation to a party is entirely the choice of the host and a bride has the right to invite those she feels most comfortable with to her hen do. She may have thought of inviting you but didn’t for a lot of different reasons, some of which may have been out of consideration to your comfort or enjoyment, or whatever.

I think your prior expectations of not being invited only altered when you read her comments, and hopefully you will build a closer relationship with your DIL as time goes on.

If you say something now it implies she has done this to deliberately hurt you and surely that wouldn’t be her intention.

Swallow your hurt and look at it objectively to get it in perspective for the sake of your relationship with your DS and DIL moving forward.

I too would say something, but definitely not to your son. Depends how many people not her own family were there. I might say Seen the lovely photos, glad you had such a good times but am rather sad not to have been included. Something like that.

Forget about the ‘all the women I love best’ comment. That was a careless remark and maybe she did mean just that photo of her own family.

Good advice from 25 Avalon.

Well I’m with the minority who think you should say something. You’ve obviously been in her life a while and should face up to the issues. Cowardly to do it via your son. Just tell her you were hurt by not being invited and by what she wrote. Hope you’re invited to the wedding btw or doesn’t she care enough? Do nothing and just wait for the next thoughtless act and comment

I am going to put up! I love my son dearly and wouldn't want to put him in a difficult position. I shared on here as I agree with much of the advice generally shared on this site. Thank you for the usual sensible advice. Luckily I'm one of those people who can move on and forget.

I am very sorry you feel so hurt. You obviously know your future DiL reasonably well if you are involved in caring for the GD. But I don't think a MiL gets to be truly loved for quite a few years. I think I would mention that you felt a bit sad not to have been included, but you understand that the hen party is a special last time that a bride belongs only to her birth family. And say how lovely it is that she's going to belong as well to your son's family.

It’s not so much about not being invited to the hen party is it but that comment “all the women I care about are here” which makes you feel hurt and excluded. Idk how good a relationship you have with dil to be apart from being handy to help with gc but maybe she just doesn’t feel at ease with you and isn’t ready to be your friend as it were. I wouldn’t say anything in the circumstances but maybe you could invite her out somewhere as a pre wedding treat and build on a relationship.

No being ‘less available’ is not only cowardly it jeopardises any relationship with the grandchild (who is innocent in this debacle’. It’s passive aggressive and sends the wrong signals entirely.

So either put up - or shut up.

It was very unkind of her to say " all the women I care about were there ", so I would be otherwise engaged when asked to mind the GC.

Gosh now hurtful.
I’m afraid that I would need to raise the subject somehow. Could you speak to your son about it?

I'm usually a great believer in biting my tongue or rising above it but I would find it difficult in this case. At least you know where you stand with her for future reference. I would be inclined to be less available for childcare and let her rely on all the women she "cares about".

How well do you get on with your daughter-in-law's Mum?
Are you friends with her?

It was a very unkind thing to write!