Adult daughter with mental health problems

I'm very sorry to hear what your daughter and your family are going through. I have three grown-up children myself, and I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is accepting that you can't always make things better for them, no matter how much you want to. At 19, your daughter still has so much time to find her feet, even if things seem rather hopeless at the moment. I wouldn't necessarily see her future as bleak just because she's struggling now. The fact that she's managing university despite her anxiety is something in itself. Perhaps rather than trying to persuade her to seek professional help, you could start by simply listening to what she feels she needs, without putting too much pressure on her. And please don't forget to look after yourselves as well. Watching someone you love struggle can be absolutely exhausting.

Ive no words of wisdom I'm afraid but I really do sympathise. We are very worried about one of my adult sons who is suffering from serious mental health problems. It's always on my mind. I don't know the answer to how you can be happy if your child is not. When I do feel happy about something, and I have lots to be happy about, I feel guilty somehow. I send all my best wishes that things will improve for you and your daughter.

There is a saying -- You are only as happy as your saddest child.
That said, it's important to help when you are able, listen, and know when to stand down. Standing down is a military term, not a parenting term - for good reason! Parents don't like the idea that they cannot fix something, no matter if the AC is 19, 29 or 39.
But we cannot fix all things. In the big picture, I think you have to wait it out. If your daughter needs help, eventually, hopefully, she will seek it. But it could take her ten years.
I have no magic advice for how to be happy while your AC is miserable. It's hard. No doubt.
Please hang in there. Take it day by day.

Thank you both for those kind words. It helps to hear them.

I think I struggled to launch a bit - though launch I did as my mother didn't really give us a choice. She had a policy that as soon as we walked out the school gates on our last day of school, we were expected to take care of ourselves (though we were allowed to live at home with no rent if studying). OK, maybe I struggled more than 'a bit'. Thankfully I met my now husband around that time, so someone helped me. I think we probably finished raising each other!

I think your daughter needs to take one day at a time. Do what she is comfortable with socially (messages from society about what we 'should' be doing can be difficult, especially at that age where you might not be so confident being different). Getting a job and managing it are issues for the future.

The main thing I felt difficult is that, while we were expected to get a job and look after ourselves, we had never been told how to do this. I was 17, just starting university, and had no real world skills. Could your daughter be struggling with these sorts of adjustments? I was quite distressed for a while and had no idea how to meet expectations or where to start. Maybe just these little things are what your daughter needs help with right now? It can feel like such a big transition.

If she is autistic, she'll also be developmentally a bit younger.

No easy answers but your daughter is very fortunate to have parents who are caring and want to help.

Maybe she would prefer to take a different route to university? It’s not for everyone. Maybe she’d like to have a job and leave home when she’s older?