Reaction to DIL

I am not sure what is upsetting you? You aren't your husband's son's mother so you aren't their mother in law. Setting titles aside, do you get on with them all? I never called my husbands Mum Mum or Mother in law, I always called her by her first name...honestly its only words....if you are happy with their behaviour, that's the main thing. So far as your son't wife goes, I am a bit surprised that the florist should have had a view on the matter, what business was it of hers? Again, she is a grown up, and although you are hurt by it, I don't see what you can do. provided you are happy with her behaviour towards you, i think you have to try to think of this as small stuff and not sweat it.

I also don’t understand what you’re fretting about.

What does your son do and think about it?

My kids always called my Mums partner Grandad. They really don't care that he isn't a blood relative and they are practically all adults now. I don't mean to be harsh but this is your problem and if you are finding it difficult it might be helpful to talk it through with a counsellor so you can let it go

You aren't your husband's son's mother so you aren't their mother in law
I assumed it was the OP’s son by her first husband who was married to the DiL, but the DiL is calling the OP’s ex’s wife MiL, and the OP thinks she herself should be called MiL.

Personally I don’t care what my children-in-law call me as long as it’s not rude

she is saying her sons wife calls her (OP) ex husband's new wife the mum in law

I see why it seems odd her calling the “new” wife, mother-in-law but I’m at a loss to know what else she should refer to her as…
step-mother-in-law is a bit of a mouthful.

I suppose, in reality, once introduced, she will call her by her name, as will anyone else.

What she calls her won’t affect the way your son and your daughter-in-law feel about you. Try to be pleased that at least she isn’t sewing division.

You will always be your son’s mother. Take the good things and try to let this small issue go.

The legal situation at the moment is that your successor is her father-in-law's wife, which probably makes her, in official terms, her mother-in-law.

Your relationship on the other hand, which is biological and permanent, is mother of the groom. That is not changed. You are the only direct mother that your son has.

You feel that emotionally speaking, YOU are her only mother-in-law, and if anyone is introduced as MiL it should be you, or else neither of you gets the title.

Perhaps introducing you as "Bill's mother" and the second wife as "Bill's stepmother" and so avoiding the tripwire of who is an -in-law would have been a better course for the girl to take. I am sorry for the poor girl trying to be fair to everyone. She sounds as though she will be a nice Di, I dp hope you have a good relationship with her.

I think you are doing well to put away from you any thoughts of feeling excluded by this.

I wasn't aware that a florist is the ultimate authority on what a bride should label her groom's father's second wife?

Does it really matter I ve never thought about it before but just realised I ve never been mother in law they ve all just called me by my first name, and that ll do
I used to call my own mother in law Mum and her surname and my second mum in law, nothing, I only met her once although she only lived a few miles away

My in-laws expected me to call them 'Mum' and 'Dad', but I never did. I somehow managed to get along without addressing them as anything but 'you'. My own parents were my mum and dad. My DiLs call me by my name.

Is this about how she calls you vs the second wife, or the relationship dil and 2and wife has vs the one you have with your dil?

All seems a bit petty. Does it really matter? Perhaps focus on something else in your life & avoid dwelling on it.

2nd wife have.... oh my grammar

I think those who have experienced the emotions involved in divorce will better understand the OP’s feelings. I wouldn’t like to know that my grown children call their dad’s second wife (of a couple years) Mom or MIL It would hurt to know it. That said, I would just rather not know about it because obviously I’m not in control of what they call anyone.

Garn, I understand your pain. A MiL is your partner's mother. Frankly I can't imagine why your DiL would want to refer to a friend of a similar age as her MiL. However you're going to have to let it go, there's nothing that can be done without making waves.

I’m a bit confused too. Are you talking about the wife of one of the sons you had with your ex... so your sons too? In which case you are the MIL. If she is the wife of one of the sons he’s had with his new wife, then you are not the MIL.
Like others have said, I would have thought there are bigger things to worry about.

That was my interpretation too janeainsworth. What may seem inconsequential to some may not be the case for others and I can understand why this bothers you Garn when you are in fact her m.i.l.

Seems an odd thing to do TBH as was her desire to have both you and your ex's wife given the status of 'mother of the groom'.

You're doing the right thing by "leaving well enough alone" and by trying not to take it personally, but that's easier said than done isn't it.

DD is step granny to two children she spoke to her husband's ex and asked if it was OK for her to be called granny as well . The children add the first name of the granny to mske it easier.

I can see what you mean; you are the mother of your DIL's husband, therefore her Mother-in-law and your ex-husband's now wife is your DIL's step-mother-in-law.

Why not suggest you all use first names?
My DIL and SIL call me by my first name.

Personally I don’t care what my children-in-law call me as long as it’s not rude

janeainsworth ?

I don't care what they call me as long as they call me (and aren't rude)

My in law children just call me by my first name, seems the easiest way. I do remember my dad always referring to his MIL as Mrs ........ but we are going back a long way. If your ex's present wife is so near in age to DIL maybe they do it as a joke?

I call my GCs mother my DIL. She never was really as her and my son were never married and they split up and are both with new partners. I'm not sure what else to call her, my grandchildrens mother sounds a bit strange.

My exh and husband sat together at my son's wedding. It is all alot easier for our kids if we just get on with it. My son and his fiancee were fretting about it, must have me at top table but who to have with me ex or DH, both said don't worry about it have either of us, both of us neither of us, so they had both.

Thinking about it if they are close in age the "MIL" title might irritate your ex's new wife. Are you sure you aren't the only one to be irritated?

Actually I might be a bit confused. Does she address her as MIL or is it a question of introducing her as MIL? I never call my sons ex DIL, I use her name, but I will introduce her as DIL.

I did ask her if it was OK and she said she liked it.

I’m another who thinks the new wife might be irritated as they’re very similar in age (not close friends who introduce each other by first name?), brought together only by marriage, maybe have a formal relationship (‘MiL’/DiL) and the DiL gives her a status which ages her. I’d remind myself that you gave birth to him, he wasn’t adopted so you alone are your DiL’s MiL.
Is your problem that you feel your position has been usurped/undermined/shared? Do you feel DiL is teasing you or trying to imply she is closer to the new wife?
If I were the younger, second wife I’d be miffed at being made to feel older and given the responsibility! How does she react to being called MiL? Could you get together and agree on forms of address then inform the DiL?

You say your DIL and your husbands wife are more like friends and closer in age?
I find it odd that DIL would want to call her MIL and not simply by her name!
If I was the second younger wife no way would I want to be referred to by an old fashioned name that didn't explain who I really was!

If you have a secure relationship with DIL you could ask her and your son how this came about.
But maybe best ignored.