How to overcome the change in relationship

If yout DD still needs your help, is it possible to give her help, but in a "I'm in the kitchen" type way, or "upstairs changing the beds" way?
So you re being there, helping, but in a non obtrusive way? If you see what I mean?

I would help her practically, until she feels more able to cope.

I think you've done marvellously well, stepping up and doing that, I'm glad your daughter is well enough to be back home.
The shock of things not being straightforward is still new, but hopefully the whole family will gradually get back to normal now, with a new baby as well.
Your two GS will have been worried about their Mum no matter how much you tried to shield them, I don't think it's anything to do with you getting short-tempered at times.
I would hope time will remedy this, I can't think of anything you can do other than be their familiar Nan again & give them all the space they need, maybe by being unobtrusive, as fancy that suggested.
Maybe your daughter can talk to them when she feels ready, & try to reassure them if they have worries.

Don't take it personally, it was a tough time for them and seeing you is probably a reminder of that and has formed an association. I've been there as well.

Change things around, make sure your visits have a positive association for them like going to the park or a fun activity at home. It's not your fault and it's not theirs, it will pass.

Yes I do think they now associate me with Mummy not being there.
Hopefully this will resolve in time

Time will heal. When mum/dad and Nan are all able to go back into their natural roles, the children will follow suit with their relationship with you. It’s wonderful that you are able to support your family in their time of need. I am sure your daughter appreciates you.

You took over when their mother was ill - and did a wonderful job. Now their mother is home again. I wonder if when you come into the house both children are instinctively afraid that it might mean that their mother is going back to hospital again.

As others say just take it slowly. I think fancythats suggestion is very sensible, be there, be on hand, help, but be unobtrusive, make sure that you make it clear that now Mummy is home she is in charge and there to stay.

Flaxseed , I commend sensible attitude regarding your situation- at the risk of
appearing patronising, very well done !
The children have had a confusing time and you have done the most amazing job. It will take time for normality to return- but I feel sure it will , especially with your healthy attitude. Bide your time and all will be well.

It was always going to be hard when your daughter came home with the new baby, just don't take it personally. They'll settle down again, but at the moment just don't understand that it wasn't your fault that their Mummy went away. Has she tried to talk to them about how much you helped when she couldn't be with them?

Well done, I say, what a brilliant Nan/Mum you are.

Once all is back to normal, why not treat the two GC to something nice with you, cinema or lunch or park or whatever floats their boats.

Could you first have a short conversation with your daughter, so she knows what is in your mind and make sure she is fine with it, and then find a time to talk with the children. You could say you think it was hard for them when Mummy was away, and that they may have felt that you were a bit strict and they may have found that hard .......or some other appropriate way to express it. And then listen and listen - show you are hearing, not self justifying, and understanding how they felt and may still feel. Even small children are usually able to respond and understand what you are saying, if said in a child appropriate way, and hearing you say it out loud may help them make sense of how they feel. Children, like adults, want to be heard and understood, and are more likely to know you love them, if you are able to be truthful with them and treat what they say with interest and respect. You are clearly a loving mother and grandmother and I wish you well.

You have been a real trooper and done an amazing job so how to get back to being a Nan. Could you try to take the view and may be say in words "well hasn't this been very different time" and although it's been different we all got through it.

We managed the changing situation, that kind of thing, I'm sure you can find the right words.

Work on reassuring the GC know they, Mum, Dad and you will manage the other changes that are coming. Work helping them understand that whatever the "New Normal" will be with Mum, Dad, them new baby and any help that they are safe.

They don't have to like it but they don't have to Fear it either.

Acknowledge that things change all the time in life. Some changes we want some we just have to deal with.

Young children won't know this yet but they have already experienced change. There was a time when they didn't go to school and now they do, it's a change they have navigated.

Talk to them about just because you did it differently doesn't make you or Mum wrong. Maybe use school as an example, how they hang coats at school V home, different not right or wrong. Reinforce the reality that every one was safe and looked after even if it was different.

I'm sure you'll get through this and help your family get through these changes in good shape. Best of luck.

Thanks for all of your kind comments. I’m sure I have only done what most mums would do in such a crisis.
DD has already been so good acknowledging how hard it was for them, especially after the youngest had a massive meltdown shortly after she returned home. It was obvious he was very confused and found it hard to articulate how he felt.
I will certainly take all advice on board
Thank you so much

How old are the children? As others have said, I think it’s very hard for little ones to understand what’s going on, and they now probably associate you with mummy being away. We had a similar thing with our little GS after we’d looked after him when DS and DDIL were away for a few days with his baby sister. The next time we babysat him when they’d just gone out for an evening, he had a complete meltdown and refused to believe they were ever coming back. I think he now regards with us deep suspicion, hopefully he’ll grow out of it - he’s only 4.

Flaxseed - My suggestion is that you explain how you feel to your daughter and then ask for her complicity in a little plan to get you back into your gc's good books - She tells them that grandma's coming round to help with the laundry and the newborn so that mummy can take them to the park and have an ice cream with them or to a soft play or whatever they would really appreciate. A few instances like this will show the gcs how valuable you are. Gradually, they'll come to appreciate that mummy's not going away again and feel more comfortable interacting with you in the old ways.

Be as consistent as you can. Don't try and change to accommodate the children's wishes but do what is necessary in as unobtrusive way as you can.
You must be exhausted and worried about your daughter but at the moment the family is in the middle of difficulties and they need support; hang on in there, be the rock, and don't take it personally. Concentrate on looking after your daughter, getting the family fed and the children to school (that's all !!) and hopefully your daughter is recovering and things will get back to normal.
So easy to say. I know.

You don’t say how old the children are Flaxseed…….are they of an age to be able to gently explain that you were worried about their mum and although not everyone does things exactly the same way you were really trying hard to look after them. Make it a little lighthearted if you like……try saying Nan gets tired quickly because she’s bit old and creaky.

I’m sure, in time, things will settle down and know this……you’ve been doing an amazing job and I hope mum and baby are doing well 💐

I don't know how to transition smoothly but this is my life. I'm mum 2 and have been since my daughter was, diagnosed with MS 8 years ago. I slip in and out of their family easily really, the kids know when I'm in charge it's my rules (I'm a bit less strict than my daughter and her husband so they probably don't mind) and when I leave my rules no longer apply. I often have the youngest here (4) and he tells people he meets that he has his mummy and his Nannie mummy lol and tbh it takes him a while to stop calling me mum and then his mum Nannie when he's spent a few days with me.
I spose it's easier on him because it's been his life, he was only 6 months old and I had to take full care of him for 6 weeks while my daughter was in hospital so to him it's just normal life. I think maybe he might question why other kids Nannies don't double up as mum a lot of the time.

InRainbows

Don't take it personally, it was a tough time for them and seeing you is probably a reminder of that and has formed an association. I've been there as well.

Change things around, make sure your visits have a positive association for them like going to the park or a fun activity at home. It's not your fault and it's not theirs, it will pass.

Great Advice. Just the job.

👍👏X

dreadwitch what a wonderful Mum you are

The children are just turned 4 and 8. The 8yr old is very sensitive.
DD is very good at discussing feelings with them so hopefully we can overcome this with time