Surviving Grief - where I am at

thank you Indiexx
I also believe that life goes on,it has too,it is surprising what you can endure if you have no choice,and the cliche "what dosent kill you makes stronger" is also true,life becomes enjoyable again,you laugh,you have fun,and you also have your memories that become a comfort as time goes on xxx

Thank you Indinana.

I have wanted to post here because I know how overwhelming and scary it can be at first, but my message is, we can and do get through. Life is never the same, but it does become do-able again. It is different for each of us - no two losses are ever the same and the time it takes to feel we are managing again varies, but the saying 'it is always darkest before the dawn is very true and the days of wrenching loss do give way to a more manageable calm over time.

xx

I have hesitated until now to read this thread. I haven't experienced the kinds of devastating losses that posters here have been through, and I was afraid that by reading all of your stories I would be intruding on your grief without being able to give anything of value in the way of understanding.

All of your stories are of unimaginable suffering, grief beyond words. I don't know how you have held your lives together and kept going.

Love and blessings to Imperfect, Downtoeart, Regalo and all who are living with the heartbreak of such tragic loss.

My ex-husband was driving the car. We had kept things civil after he left me, but that was all really. When Evie died, I felt so much compassion for him. By then he was in a long-term relationship, but he came to stay with us for a time - we both needed the rest of our the family around us. Since then we have always got on better and we recognise that we are the only two who carry the same grief. It is good that we can keep anniversaries together.

imperfect new life is like spring it gives hope to the spirit that the cycle of life goes on,the hard part is when young lives are finished abruptly by their own hand,accident,their way of passing is hard to deal with,sudden with unanswered questions,illness would at least be something that would explain the reason they have gone...all we are left with are questions.
Enjoy your new little life,fresh clean and untainted innocent.I was lucky kates legacy to me was her daughter although damaged through seeing Domestic violence and being present when Kate died,she has been my focus for so long,her needs paramount ,my partner has been my rock whilst supporting my ex husband and my son and he helped me as a carer when my mum became ill,my ex husband is a friend as we have shared so much and as parents we care for our fractured family even if we are not together,it would be so much worse if we where a family at warxx

I can identify with that. If you are a mum or nan in a supporting role you do put your own grief on the back burner. I have only really, really cried fit to break twice - once about three months after and the second time , strangely, when /I learned /I had become a granny. I sobbed all morning and /I didn't know where the tears came from except that they were connected to Evelyn. I swa a dear friend yesterday, whom /I haven't seen for ages and I was telling her about this. I said that the new little life in our midst is bringing me comfort - not healing - but comfort that I know I need. xx

I cant add anything to that,how can others understand what we are going through we dont understand it ourselves.Be gentle with yourself ..sums it up,you have to travel through all the phases of grief ,to come out the other side ,and you do, bruised and battered but alive because the strength of the human spirit amazes you with that tiny little bud of light that appears to lead you back to life.I always thought if anything happened to my children I would cry and scream and become hysterical..my god that would have been a relief ...I became numb and cried inside and could find no release at all,the first time I cried was just recently when my partner became ill with depression and I thought our relationship had finished,the floodgates opened for cheryl,katy,dad,mum,my failed marriages,I was a person who didnt cry I dealt with the practicalities and held the others up..I had been strong for far too long,now I am healingxxx

You can survive. I guess that's what I want to say to other people who go through a close loss. You can survive and you can even want to take hold of life again. But it takes a time and that time varies from person to person. My husband's best mate has been in touch this week to say his son has died, - he was only 27. So here is a family at the beginning of a very hard journey.

When we lose someone unexpectedly - and with the death of a child or grandchild this is often the case - loss is accompanied by shock and it is widely recognised that the shock can take around 2 years to be processed. When I was first told this by a friend who had lost a baby, just a few weeks after losing my daughter, I was resentful - I felt that seemed like imposing a sentence upon me. Over time I came to realise that she was really trying to tell me was to be gentle with myself and not to be surprised it I found it very hard at times even a way into the future.

A bereavement card that really helped me was one that said simply ' Be gentle with yourself.'

xx

These pictures and the thoughts and feelings they contain can be very helpful, especially those that speak of surviving somehow. Thank you Falcon

Beautiful Falconbird

This helped me.

I put off reading this thread, losing a child, or grandchild, must be the saddest thing of all. They were here for such a short time but only brought love with them, perfect souls.
Blessings and prayers from me too.

It is those treasured memories that are so precious downtoearth: your angel Cheryl would have looked so beautiful . We are lucky that times have changed and we have photos of George and Harry who too were buried in their little knitted outfits and the tiny toys our wonderful family bought for them. Never a day goes by without thinking of them and I am sure the same is for you with your little lass. Thoughts and hugs. X

Regalo a labour of love for you and a kindness being passed on to some other grieving family,it is so important with us our small angels are wrapped securely and kept "cosy" the mothering instinct is very strong and we still want to protect them.When Cheryl died at 7 weeks -37 years ago things where very different she had been in SCBU and never came home,she was severley brain damaged due to lack of oxygen at birth,the very day I went out to buy her some clothes other than paper hospital gowns was the day she died ,she wore her pretty dress to be buried in.

Thank you imperfect27, Anya and downtoearth for your care and compassion. I have today been removing thousands of miniature beads from a donated wedding dress for a friend who remakes them into exquisite gowns for lost babies from the very tiny to the full term. Although emotional for me, I feel I can pay back a little....a volunteer had knitted the most beautiful outfits and blankets that George and Harry were dressed in...that wonderful lady will never know how much that act of compassion meant to me.

for you all. I imagine this will be a really good thread for those who have suffered loss.

(((hugs))) and blessings to all who mourn and prayers for your comforting.

I'm humbled just reading these posts but also amazed at the strength of the human spirit - as I have been both in current voluntary work and in my previous work life encountering people experiencing huge losses. Anything that gives people the chance to talk openly and share experiences in a supportive environment can only be a good thing.
Respect, admiration and for all who are living with loss xxx

Regalo your last sentence resonates with me. That is why I think those of you who are able to talk about your losses are very brave. You certainly fnd out who your true friends are at times like this - and it can be a real eye opener.

imperfect
letting things out bit by bit like a pressure cooker is a good idea,and like you I have a few invisible fault lines,before and after,but hey ho they are like the external stretch marks to prove I have carried these children,they stretch but dont tear and bounce back into shape,but not quite the same shape as I was before.I agree with regalo keeping our loved ones names before us,and it is good to hear a grandparents story,while we remember George and Harry,also Evie, and my daughters cheryl ,and Katy.
Imperfect yes PM me and I would like to read the book...what a pain its fallen down the back of the bookcasexx

Dear friends, I have not suffered this sort of loss, but I know it would be unbearable. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Regalo, how very sad. What lovely names, George and Harry. Sometimes we need to say and write our loved-ones names - to 'keep' them before us.

I am so sorry for you and your daughter xx

Losing loved ones, especially children or babies is unbearably hard. I think it is so important to be able to share how we are feeling with others although opening up can be hard. We lost twin grandsons so not only did we have to cope with our own grief but also our daughters. As a family, we did not hide how we were feeling and I think this helped us all. I still feel the need to talk about George and Harry but do do a quick mental check as to whom I am talking to and whether they would understand.

Couldn't agree more with the thought of not letting grief define me. Over time I have come to accept that it has created a fault-line in me and that I am not truly whole as I once was - and that is okay, because if had forgotten, it would mean I hadn't loved.

downtoearth, I am very humbled by your posts.

I hope people will feel this can be a safe space to share and to remember loved ones. I have run out of energy for today, but it would be good to start other threads e.g. poems / songs / writings that have helped us.

I am just about to start reading a book on dealing with longer term grief - I am not sure if I can quote the title online - I found it searching on Amazon and it is about dealing with the loss of a child several years on. It has slipped behind the bookcase where I rested it today so needs rescuing - grrrrr. I can PM the details if you are interested once I recover it and remind myself of the title.

I always say don't define me by what has happened ,but how I deal with it.
Sharing is cathartic,but now E is nearly 17 and she has met her biological father and is deeply dissapointed as he will not/or unable to answer those questions she needs answers to for closure,she is just realising the full impact and also at every stage of her life grieves for the mum she only new for 4 years this touches all areas of her life,so I have to be strong and go over and over what I know and have gleaned from our 6 years in the high court arena for custody,but I am being constantly pulled back to 2004.
I have a good partner who has been my rock we had to escape to a different county to safety to protect us all when he came out of prison....you dont get over it you learn to live with it,but it has made both E and me more compassionate to others,my son has suffered the loss of his sister badly,he lost two close friends at the same time to car accidents and his closest friend an ex soldier who fought in afghanistan committed suicide the following year.
while we talk about our loved ones we are keeping their memory alive.
I have known happiness again and live a normal life,you cannot see the scars by looking at me,I am a natural clown and love to laugh and live life as fully as I can,I am strong.
I agree a site where you can just remember ,and support others especially at the start of their journey through would be a good ideaxxx