Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Should I go

(19 Posts)
Nannyjane Fri 29-Apr-16 23:49:05

Hi everyone
I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers when my dad passed away over 15 years ago it's a long story but my sisters an 2 of my brothers didn't want anything to do with me and 1 of my brother. 2 days ago I found out that 1 of my brothers had cancer and was dieing none of them told me that he was poorly then yesterday he passed away I'm not sure if I should go to the funeral what are your thoughts on this

grannyactivist Sat 30-Apr-16 00:01:50

I think the first question to ask is, do you want to go the funeral? If so then perhaps you could slip quietly into the back of the place where it's being held and then afterwards make a hasty escape.

Nannyjane Sat 30-Apr-16 00:32:04

Thank you for your reply yes I would like to go thank you that is an idea

Synonymous Sat 30-Apr-16 00:34:15

Nannyjane sorry to hear of your loss but sometimes we actually lose people who were once close to us a long time before death enters the scene.
I think grannyactivist is spot on. Only go if you feel you must, but I can't help feeling that the swift exit may be necessary if your other siblings are likely to take exception to your being present. Can't think of anything worse than a fracas at a funeral! shock

absent Sat 30-Apr-16 05:32:14

If the funeral will take place in a church, then anyone may attend. If there is a private gathering afterwards, then that is invitation only.

Anya Sat 30-Apr-16 08:04:51

If you feel you want to go, then do just that.

Badenkate Sat 30-Apr-16 08:21:28

It is your brother and your choice. You should certainly go if you want to, but I agree with the others - keep a low profile. My sympathies on your loss

NanaandGrampy Sat 30-Apr-16 09:05:35

I agree with the others but also feel that if this is a rift you want to heal then maybe there will be an opportunity for that also.

As you have experienced , time passes so quickly and the unexpected happens before you have a chance to say sorry or talk about things , which leaves things unresolved permanently.

If it were me , I would probably reach out by text of phone to say I would like to attend and see how its received. Maybe your remaining family will see it as an opportunity to reconcile also. If not - then things will remain the same. I don't think you have anything to lose.

tiredoldwoman Sat 30-Apr-16 09:12:45

Yes, if you want to go then go , but go respectfully .

cornergran Sat 30-Apr-16 15:58:38

nannyjane my sympathies, no matter the gap in contact you and your brother will have shared many things. If my maths is right you continue to have contact with one brother, is he the brother who has recenty died? If not do you know if he is planning to attend? Or might he have more contact with the others? Could he be a support? I do agree that its important that you go with your instincts and attend if you can as of course there is only one chance to do so. You can stay separate from your other siblings at the service and if necessary slip away quietly afterwards. I attended a family funeral relatively recently where there had been a very sad division and one couple decided to attend the Church but sit quietly and separately They did not wish to speak with some close family and so they did not attend at the following service at the crematorium but were in the grounds and spent a little time in reflection with the flowers afterwards. There are lots of ways to say goodbye, I hope you can find one that will leave you feeling you have said goodbye to your brother as you wish to.

Nannyjane Sat 30-Apr-16 23:11:10

Thank you everyone this has helped so much X

rubylady Sun 01-May-16 05:13:14

If you feel it would be awkward and uncomfortable for any of you, then you could visit your brother at the Chapel of Rest and say your goodbyes to him there. Plus it is private, personal and a time you will always remember. Whereas the funeral you might feel intimidated and out of sorts being there. I had people at my dad's funeral who I'd rather not be there but I know that my dad wouldn't have objected so I let it go and just did my own thing, paying my respects in my own way, as I was his next of kin and had organised it. Do what you feel comfortable with. You could find a childhood picture of him, when things were better between you and place it on a windowsill and put some flowers and a candle next to it and sit and think as you light and burn it down a bit on the day instead of attending. You have to be ok with your conscience, so do it just the way you want. Thinking of you, take care. flowers

Nannyjane Mon 02-May-16 19:25:04

Thank you so much rubylady your message was lovely it made tears come to my eyes I have decided not to go and do what you said with the picture xx

GillT57 Mon 02-May-16 20:01:55

What a lovely post rubylady. maybe, nannyjane you could use this as an opportunity to attempt some sort of reconciliation, however 'mild'. Rather than have your siblings think that you are not attending your brother's funeral because you don't care, maybe a short message to say how sorry you are and that you have chosen to not attend the funeral to avoid upset, but that you will be honouring your brother in your own way.

Nannyjane Tue 03-May-16 23:38:47

Thank you GillT57 that is an idea I don't want anyone to think I don't care X

rubylady Wed 04-May-16 02:57:42

Thank you Gill your idea is a very good one. Nannyjane can only try, it's then up to her siblings really. Good luck. flowers

Nannyjane Fri 20-May-16 20:01:54

Hi everyone
I didn't go no one would tell me when the funeral was my niece told me on the day so then it was too late for me to go she was told not to tell me at least I had a chance to think about him on the day 😢

rubylady Sat 21-May-16 00:51:53

Aw, Nannyjane what a shame you didn't get told in time. But please try not to beat yourself up about this. It wasn't your fault and you could do nothing about it. I am sure you have thought about him a lot recently and you will continue to do so while you grieve, it's only natural. Maybe go and find somewhere that was special to you both and say a prayer or a poem or just talk to him there. Anything now which will ease your mind. Take care of yourself love. X

Nannyjane Mon 23-May-16 21:57:24

Thank you rubylady
You are very kind I'm not religious but the other day I went and sat in the church and thought of him there.
Thank you again for your kind words X