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My ex-husband's funeral

(15 Posts)
Tricia89 Mon 16-May-16 11:16:31

I'm not in touch with my ex, of choice. He lives local to me and is in the last stage of terminal cancer. I don't want to go to his funeral, but should I attend to support our children?

Luckygirl Mon 16-May-16 11:20:00

What a difficult situation for you. Perhaps discussing it with your children might be a way forward. Tell them how you feel and ask them what they would like you to do. There may of course be feelings from any new family/partner that your ex may have.

Teetime Mon 16-May-16 11:20:39

Hello Tricia89 I was in this situation last year and I discussed it with DH who said it was up to me if I felt I should support my daughter but he thought it was tricky for my ex's wife. I asked my sister who was still in touch with ex and knew him well. She offered to go to support daughter. I asked my daughter and she said she didn't need any more support than having her own DH there and her Step Mother. So I didn't go but sent an In Sympathy card to the widow and flowers to my daughter. I hope that helps. Its a funny time though - even tough we had been divorced for over 30 years it felt very strange for some time.

Bellanonna Mon 16-May-16 11:37:00

A friend was in a similar situation. She did attend the church service and sat at the back. She felt some of his family might be a bit unwelcoming so she left after the service. She felt it was right for her and was glad she went. Her two children had left it up to her.

tanith Mon 16-May-16 11:42:51

I was in this situation 3 yrs ago with my children's Dad, both my husband and I attended the funeral to support the children and grandchildren , the only person from his family there was his sister who was pleased to see me after 15 yrs. It all went off ok for such a sad occasion. I really didn't want to go but in the end I was glad I had, it brought me closure on all the animosity I'd held towards him for 20 yrs.

I would do as the others suggest be guided by your children.

henetha Mon 16-May-16 11:43:33

I went to my ex-husband's funeral last year. But we had become friends during the last couple of years of his life.
It's a tricky situation and every case is different. But, I honestly think, if in doubt do the kind thing.

Thingmajig Mon 16-May-16 17:18:14

My ex-husband died several years ago and it actually didn't even occur to me to go to his funeral.

I hadn't clapped eyes on the (drunken) swine hmm for the best part of 20 years, nor had our daughter although she'd been roped in by the hospital at the very end as the older half-sister had washed her hands off him by then.

Turned out wife number 1 went to the funeral so not sure what the protocol is!

Tricia89 Fri 20-May-16 14:28:48

I thank all of you for your sound advice. My ex did not remarry and has no family likely to bother with his funeral. I shall take the advice to be guided by my children, although I suspect they will say that it's up to me. It does feel a little weird, but then I always find it hard to accept that people aren't there any more. Twenty years on and I still want to talk to my late mother. Pathetic eh?

wot Fri 20-May-16 14:56:41

Not pathetic; nice and also understandable. They are still with us in our heads/hearts.

geeljay Fri 20-May-16 17:32:37

Personally, I would go but keep a low profile. I wouldn't think it would be appropriate to get involved, but just as a token of respect . And move on as quickly as possible afterwards. No point in giving the opportunity of opening old scores. Otherwise, it how you feel comfortable..

TriciaF Fri 20-May-16 18:28:21

I think my ex-husband is near the end of his life. If he goes before me (we're both 80) I'll probably make an effort to go to his funeral.
He's bipolar, been on lithium for 50 years and it's ruined his kidneys, poor fellow.
He remarried, and I thank his 2nd wife in my prayers every day for looking after him. I certainly couldn't have done that, he was a b...... when younger.
But the children still love him, so I'll see what they say.

rubylady Sat 21-May-16 01:45:12

My mother went to my dad's funeral even though they had been divorced for 15 years.

I wouldn't go to my ex husband's funeral. He has remarried so she can deal with the cowardly wimp.

meandashy Sat 21-May-16 10:58:05

My mum didn't go to my dad's funeral. They had both remarried & I had my siblings with me. Sadly his parents refused to go because I took my daughter, aged 5 at the time (with my step mothers blessing ). I think I will go to my exs funeral (despite having nothing nice to say, horrible drunk) because my daughter is an only child. He never married, probably because nobody would put up with him!

GrandmaMoira Sat 21-May-16 12:41:18

I went to my ex husband's funeral. Although we had never become amicable post divorce, my children were still teenagers and I had visited when he was ill. My sister-in-law wanted me to be at the front as part of the family with my children so I did what they wanted. This to me was definitely the right thing to do. My current husband attended and sat at the back, as did my brother and his wife.

sandramariasandy Thu 06-Oct-16 13:17:28

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