Scattering ashes

I agree this should be very personal and what is best for you. My dad's ashes traveled around in my brother's van for weeks before the family got together to scatter him at his favourite fishing pool on the river. We had a lengthy walk across fields avoiding cowpats, and we all thought our own thoughts as he floated away with posies of flowers from his garden. We then skimmed stones as we had done as children and have done many times since with grandchildren he never met. At the time the hawthorn was in full bloom and the scent still reminds me of him.

A few years later my mother joined him as she had requested. When her sister died her ashes were returned to the family grave in Ireland and as we had none of my Mum's ashes we took some soil from the garden to sprinkle there. We added their names to the gravestone so she is with both parts of the family now.

The course of the river has changed so that they would probably not recognise it now but 'plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose' and I know they would understand that being lovers of nature.

I am glad you said that about watercourses, as my parents both died ten years ago, within three months of each other, and their ashes went in the Humber near the bridge.

Thank you so much, all of you, for your experiences and thoughts.

I now have a much clearer idea of what to do. It will be very open and probably windy, so we shall take care. And as someone said, the ashes are very heavy, even though the undertaker transferred them to a special cardboard container. I have known the exact spot for years as it was the only thing DH was clear about when considering his mortality. My DF was much more helpful, and his funeral was easy because I had talked it all through several times. Mind you, he was 94 when he died, so it seemed reasonable to discuss it!

I realise now I have arrived at the top of the family tree that it is helpful for family to have some indications about how we want to be dealt with. So as well as the Will and Lasting Power of Attorney Health and Welfare, I have said that I simply want to be planted under a tree in a woodland burial site, no frills and fuss. I am a great believer in recycling!

And we shall warm our backsides in a local pub after the farewell to DH, just as he would have done. Great idea, that. Thank you.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who found the procedure comic or bizarre. We were staying with family in New Zealand and joined in the scattering of my uncle's ashes at various stages up his favourite mountain.
The evening before my cousin had sat down measuring out the ashes into small plastic food bags, saying "That's probably the weight of an arm, that's about the amount of a leg etc." It seemed a bit weird, but as the family are mainly doctors, including my uncle, I guess it was all perfectly natural and fitting for them!

That is a very sad Poem Luckygirl, very sad indeed. It makes me think what is life all about, no matter what we do, your Mum reading poetry for example. If we are happy or sad people, kind or unkind we all end up pretty much the same way. I feel quite upset now. I am off to bed but I doubt I will sleep

When my daughter aged 25 died, the undertaker arrived that night to take her away and discuss the funeral arrangements. We decided on a cremation so he asked what were we going to do with the ashes and did she have a special place for them to be scattered. My other daughter piped up ' how about the changing rooms in Top Shop as she spent a lot of time in there!'. Although it was the most awful time of our lives, we could still find this funny - I know my daughter would have too.

Luckygirl - what a beatiful poem. I'm sure your mother (who read poetry) would have loved it!

Annsixty - my mum made it known she was wondering if perhaps we'd "like some of dad's ashes" to go in the garden, just by the spot we buried our old cat. Well, they did get on quite well. That did not happen. However, we recently attended a lovely walk in the woods, to a spot amid the bluebells, for the scattering of a beloved dog's remains. Was beautiful, quiet, joyful and not at all as silly as one would imagine. Yes, his person read a short poem and we all listened and shed a tear or two.

Whatever feels right to you is how this should go. So sorry for your loss!

I am to do this on my dad's birthday, what would have been his 77th. I have decided where to scatter him and I think he would be pleased, but I do intend to keep some of him too and put him under the tele as it was a great pleasure for him to watch and will be of comfort to me too to have him near. I am glad others have said that they have split the ashes, as this will be the case, so that puts my mind at rest a bit. I will be doing it alone, at night, privately and peacefully, nothing illegal, just less people around for me to be at one with my thoughts.

As everyone has said this is a very personal thing and totally up to you. I did some transcriptions once from interviews an undertaker had done with deceased's families about scattering ashes which was fascinating. So many different places and ideas. My mother had always wanted her ashes to be placed in her mother's grave up north where her sister's were also placed. As my dad passed away 2 years before her and hadn't expressed any wishes we kept him with the funeral director until the time came and had both caskets interred in the grave. We had to have permission from the cemetery to do this as it has to be recorded in the register. We had a very nice family ceremony which all my cousins came to and then we went to the pub for lunch. My in-laws both had some ashes scattered in a favourite park they loved to walk in and the rest are in the local cemetery. I think whatever you decide it's a time to reflect on memories of your DH with people who knew and loved him.

Oh and I should mention we were given very good advice by funeral director although we were not able to confirm to some!

I have had private and open place scattering for my lovely DH. The scattering in the public place was harder than I imagined owing to the fact I didn't want people to wonder what we were doing....but that was a me thing. The private, was just the two us and only we know. Either way I know he would be happy to know where his remains are and that I was happy too xx

annsixty the river where we scattered Dfil's ashes is a fast flowing mountain stream and drops down into the sea about 200 yards from where we were. It is nowhere near an abstraction site, or indeed other people. The only addition we added were some wild flowers which were collected at the site so I think all of DoE conditions were met.

Thank you hilda I am not likely to want to but pleased I could if I did.

annsixty, water courses are fine for scattering ashes. I found out about it because it's how I want my remains disposed of.I like the Hindu tradition of immersing the ashes in the Ganges. here's a link about rivers lakes and canals

When we scattered my Mum's ashes on Dartmoor my Dad insisted that we go into the pub and have some lunch first. Some of you may know this pub - in the middle of nowhere with nothing around except for moor and no mains electricity - and a howling gale. By that time my brother had taken the ashes out of the car and turned to take them back - but Dad grabbed the bag and said "No, bring her." So we had the slightly bizarre experience of having the urn of ashes on the floor between us as lunch was eaten. There was to be honest something slightly comic about it.

This is a poem I wrote about it:

Goodbye

The undertaker arrives with my mother’s ashes
And places them on the floor by the table.
My mother, who read poetry,
Is in a brown plastic urn
In a pink cardboard carrier bag
With a kitsch greetings card flower.
We drive in convoy to the top of the moor.
Dad grabs the bag from the car, says
Let’s eat first
As he marches into the pub.
My mother, who read poetry,
Sits between our knees
As the Guinness slops
And the chips arrive.
Outside, we pour the ashes
Into the driving rain
As the black bikers speed through the fog.
My mother, who read poetry,
Sinks into the wet sheep shit.
We scrape our shoes and stand huddled at the roadside.
Her dregs cling to the plastic.
Take it says Dad, thrusting the bag towards my brother
Who bundles it into the boot and drives away.
Half way home, they stop at a motorway service station
For coffee and a pee.
He dumps the bag in a waste bin.
My mother, who read poetry,
Sits amongst the empty cans and chewing gum wrappers.
A man walks by and drops in his cigarette end.
Goodbye Mum.

My mil is in my utility room at the moment waiting to go to Ibiza (she has been in there for a few yrs now!) - the casket is very heavy. Local funeral directors have sweetly said they will transfer her to a light plastic container so she wont weight so much in my luggage. Be aware that these caskets are sealed and difficult to open - so if you are scattering ashes make sure you can open the casket!

My sister and I scattered our parents ashes in a quarry wood near where I and our parents had spent their last years.
This was in about January or February. It had been raining and the ashes were sticking to my wellie boots.
The ground where we scattered them has been slowly taken over by snow drops and blubells. It is highly unlikely it would be built on.

Given what few remains are left after a cremation I cannot see what damage could be caused in a water course.

My brother scattered my father's ashes from a cliff top. Unfortunately the wind blew them into someone's picnic. As Wobblybits said about his MIL, my Dad would have been highly amused!

This is where I want my ashes scattered. (towards end of video)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3DELFIcy74

My cousin's ashes were scattered under a tree in the countryside, a favourite walking place of my cousin.

I have experience of this concerning scattering the ashes of my OH's two uncles. Their children and nephews and nieces revisited the coastal town where the families had spent summer holidays and scattered the ashes on the beach. Then there was a good lunch with lots of memories to share. It was simple but everyone felt it was appropriate.

My ex husband loved the sea, so we went out in our son's boat and scattered the ashes near where he used to go fishing. It was just myself and our sons. We had no ceremony, just a chat about him and the things he loved.
When a close friend died we scattered her ashes in a local park where she loved to walk and sit. Then we went to the pub and drank a toast to her.
There are no rules about this. Whatever you decide is just fine. But I personally don't think too many people should be involved. Only the very nearest and dearest.
It's not a funeral. Each to his own though.

It is worth finding out just what is allowed and what is not in disposing of ashes. We had a leaflet from the funeral director. I am sure that "water courses" are not allowed.
Having said that we acted illegally with my mother's ashes.
My father had been dead over 50 years when my mother died and his mother had been buried in his grave. When my last remaining aunt died, weeks before my mother, my cousin buried her ashes I the same grave, she only told me this the night before my M's funeral, so we decided to do the same. I believe this should be registered with the " authorities". We acted illegally.?

My incident didn't upset me, my MIL was a joker all her life, I'm sure it was deliberate.

Just do what you feel is right for you and what you think he would have liked. No need for formalities. My 3 daughters and I scattered some of DH's ashes into the sea at our beach along with red roses. It was just informal; we laughed, cried, talked about him and then went back to the house for a drink! DD2 and I did the same with some more of his ashes on his favourite beach in Sydney Harbour where he had sailed. So he is on both sides of the world which is comforting. He is also under a rose bush in my garden and the rest is hidden in the wine 'cellar' ( a favourite place of his!) and will be mixed with my ashes when the time comes.