What if it had been me?

Our daughters were five and seven when my husband died, now we have grandchildren , when the first grandchild was born seventeen years after my husbands death I felt such raw grief again and our daughter holding her son for the first time said 'I wish Daddy was here to see him' . So I have found life goes on , you laugh again, you know happiness again but there are those times ,not frequent, when the raw grief flares.

So Paul, I suggest stop the guilt, tell your grandchild about her grandmother , ride the moments when grief suddenly visits, be joyful for the time you had together. I would choose the eight years with my husband and the forty years alone over never having the eight years with him . I am thankful for that time together

Be happy Paul

Paul slightly off-topic but I went back to refresh my memory of an earlier post of yours and was reminded you are in London. When I first moved to London I took my baby grandson to a 'stay and play' group near the Barbican each week, mainly attended by mothers with little ones but also a couple of professional nannies and a dad and a 'Papa' as well as me. The emphasis was on the child but the resulting friendships were extended to the adult, regardless of connection. We all found comfort in being there together. I have since taken my grandson swimming and felt included as an equal by the mums with their babies and toddlers. I think I'm trying to say enjoy your time with your granddaughter for what it is, not what might have been.

I know you prefer a whisky but I raise to you

Welcome to the forum Paul don't feel any guilt, none of us have any say in the timing or manner of us passing away, you do what you have to ,and enjoy being a grandparent.?
It will happen to all of us on this forum and in RL at some point, and we will all have our own way of dealing with it.

Paul 'drug-addled laptop'

Paul I can understand you feeling some sense of guilt but please don't 'wallow' in it. Enjoy your life for what it is now. Yes, your loss made you extremely sad but what if it had been you? Be happy that you have the time and opportunity to be with your daughter and grandchild and talk to him/her about their grandmother. Don't be afraid to show your happiness and give the little one love and hugs enough for two. Give yourself permission to enjoy what life is giving you

It's nearly ten years ago since my husband died at the relatively young age of 60 and looking back I wish I had arranged the funeral differently, in fact not had a 'conventional ' one at all. I wasn't in my right mind but went along with doing the right thing. A private cremation/burial and then a memorial service would have been better for me but then other family members would have been upset. It's a difficult one.

Like Paul I am now feeling fairly content, and having two gorgeous granddaughters and plenty of voluntary work have a full life. But it has been a hard slog.

Sorry if this rather overlaps with the other Bereavement thread.

Ditch the guilt Paul - I am sure your wife would have been delighted that you are finding satisfactions in your life as it is now. I know that this is how I feel. It is OK to be happy - it does not mean you loved her any the less.

Sorry about the repeated posts...laptop is on non-prescriptive performance enhancing drugs

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

Anniebach, equating grief with fear shows we are scared of the unknown. When someone close to us passes, we don't know how we're going to carry on. Through time, and it is only time that works, we come to realise that we get through every day only with the support of those we choose to surround ourselves with. Sadly, many of us don't follow this rule and are caught up in too much negativity and the selfishness of others. If I learned one thing during my grief, it was to cut those people out of my life. I also made sure they had no influence on my daughter. No family or friend circle is perfect, and most have a few members who will use bad situations to enrich their own worthless lives. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy when you have to be...I wasn't.

I read the same book Anniebach, it was very good.

PaulB, yes question after question that will never get answered, we all deal with grief in our own way. We put on a show for family and friends at the funeral and as you say its not until you walk into the empty house after the funeral that reality kicks in and you ask yourself ' where do I go from here!' then the roller coaster ride begins and goes so fast you cant get off! You deal with every emotion that there is, for me the main one that remains is the anger that just gnaws at you inside, Im still in the show but wear a mask!

I found A grief Observed by C S Lewis helped me, his raw grief over the death of his beloved wife Joy helped me realise I was not the only one to feel such a mixture of dispair, anger, fear , pain . I remember -

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear

Ana, I'm no longer angry and I believe I've come to terms with the loss, and adjusted to it. My reason for posting is that now I've recently retired, and am helping by daughter with babycare duties as she returns to work, I've found myself becoming more and more pensive about what could have been if the worst hadn't happened. I'm not being morbid or maudlin, but I instinctively know my wife would've relished being part of what is going on in my life right now. If truth be told, I'm probably wallowing in some sense of guilt, as I've never felt this content or looked forward to what is going to happen with my life for many, many years.

Me too, sunseeker - it's only been two years for me.

My question to Paul was serious, I would like to know why he decided to post about this now and whether the grief has eased at all.

Someone once told me that grief doesn't go away, you just learn to live with it better. It is 5 years since I lost my DH, yes I am dealing with day to day living, even having fun, but at night the loneliness hits and I find myself longing for just one more of his hugs and to hear his laughter.

I'm sorry about your wife too, Paul, but it's been twelve years so you have had some time to adjust.

What made you decide to post on here now? Are you still feeling angry?

Good post Paul
Sorry you lost your dear wife.

Well put.

We have had a sudden death in the family last week. Burial next week.

I got this out for people.

grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/