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Babyloss Week

(24 Posts)
AlieOxon Mon 10-Oct-16 13:34:09

I have just heard that this week is

flowers to all others here with a similar loss.

I've been trying to get the death certificate for the baby I lost at less than a day old in 1967. I ran into a lot of difficulties ordering the certificate as apparently the General Records Office started to be suspicious that I wanted it for use in identity theft! Very hurtful.
By going to the local Lewisham office I managed to order it, on Sept 30th - but it still hasn't arrived.

I have no memento of this baby. No grave, no ashes, since he was cremated at the local crematorium which was one of those involved in losing babies' ashes.
i have other reasons for wanting to know what the certificate says as well - but it would at least be something, as now I have nothing.

Anniebach Mon 10-Oct-16 13:50:45

Alie, it must seem so wrong that you are finding it so difficult getting the certificate but there is so much identity theft now, you wouldn't want a man taking the identity of your son , his name and age . Was it at Lewisham registrars your son's death was registered ?

AlieOxon Mon 10-Oct-16 14:17:51

Yes, that's why I got in touch with them. Starting last year, because there was a transcription mistake in his name - but last year I didn't get anywhere and gave up.

No, I know they have to be careful - but it was so frustrating. Now I find I am waiting for the post every day.

willsmadnan Mon 10-Oct-16 14:24:09

I do sympathise,having lost a baby with SADS at 5 weeks. But... in view of recent (and not-so-recent cases.... i.e. -MP John Stonehouse who did a 'Reginald Perrin' 30 odd years ago) I do sometimes wonder if anyone has tried to steal her identity. It's a horrible thought, and an even more diabolic action, but i would rather the GRO were now being tighter on this. It's hurtful for genuine requests, I agree.
I don't know why you weren't given an official death certificate at the time, as obviously the baby was born alive.
I know the memory of a lost child is something that is always with you, but a death certificate will only give you the date etc.. It is only a piece of paper recording the death of someone who was with you for a brief time. The actual memory will live in your heart. That, to me is much more important. Hope you get your certificate, but don't let it stir up bad memories.

AlieOxon Mon 10-Oct-16 14:30:05

There will have been a death certificate at the time, yes.
But if it still exists, my ex-husband has it. And I don't know where he is and if I did, would not want any contact!

I want the piece of paper, but the other reason is that I have never known what he died of, and it will say something.

Penstemmon Mon 10-Oct-16 15:26:39

Alie flowers

I feel blessed not to have experienced child loss but I can totally empathise with the great and ongoing feelings of loss that will be with those who have.

Anniebach Mon 10-Oct-16 16:09:51

Alie, give them two weeks, if nothing go there again , I can understand you wanting to read it, your son and your name ,it will be a visual link but it may distress you too, do let us know when you receive it. I understand because I lost two babies , send you hugs X

AlieOxon Mon 10-Oct-16 16:23:59

And hugs to you Annie and all who know this loss. flowerstoo.

If it doesn't come by Friday I'll ring them in the afternoon.

Anniebach Mon 10-Oct-16 17:01:03

You keep contact with them, it is your right to have a copy of the certificate Alie, I hope you receive it very soon

DaphneBroon Mon 10-Oct-16 17:39:07

This may be appropriate here. It says a lot to me when I think of our first baby boy born 43 years ago last week, living only 24 days and also my DD's first pregnancy, which sadly ended at 14 weeks

morethan2 Mon 10-Oct-16 17:45:48

AlieOxon I hope you don't have to wait too long. Condolences to all of you who have suffered the loss of your babies.

AlieOxon Wed 12-Oct-16 16:09:50

Wednesday...and I've just had a phone call form the Lewisham Register Office. Starting: 'You ordered a certificate for a Mrs Horton?'
Huh? That's my mother. They did ask all her names last time (Sept 30th) - but I thought that was them checking on me!

So I told them all over again what I wanted, and what the mistake in transcription was, and they found it. And promised to send it immediately, first class.

I will believe it when I actually get it...

AlieOxon Fri 14-Oct-16 14:16:38

Friday - and the certificate arrived. has my husband's name on it - and it doesn't have mine!
I have just rung the Lewisham office about this.They are investigating.

cornergran Sat 15-Oct-16 08:54:40

So sorry alie, can only imagine your disappointment and pain. Let's hope the investigations come to the conclusion you need very soon. Sending virtual hugs.

kittylester Sat 15-Oct-16 08:59:14

Oh, Alie, you are going through the wringer lately. Can't offer any help but send lots of love and hugs!

Anniebach Sat 15-Oct-16 09:04:04

Unheard of unless a baby has been abandoned at birth . I have transcribe births from 1837 to 1997, why didn't the registrars pick this up when they wrote out the copy for you ?

AlieOxon Sat 15-Oct-16 12:19:11

Lewisham office rang back later. They had checked with the GRO and there was no omission on the copy. My name was not on the original. Which does explain why the GRO were so offhand with me last year.
(I started trying to get this certificate in August 2015.)

I've looked this up online and the Society of Genealogists site, which gives details of what should be on there, says in the case of a child, the parentage should be recorded. But two other similar sites don't include this. And Lewisham were certainly surprised.

The only way now for me to have a record of this birth as my child, is now to get and pay for his birth certificate.

I am so tired. Disappointed and hurt. But so glad that Gransnet is here, as my sister is away and I can't today get hold of anyone else whose shoulder I can cry on. Thank you for the sympathy.

But that's not all. The cause of death is wrong. It says 'Primary Atalectasis'. Which means, on looking it up, he never started breathing - as distinct from having difficulties later.
This is not true, as I remember holding him - once - there seemed to be no problems; and he was NOT taken away for resuscitation.

Anniebach Sat 15-Oct-16 12:42:59

Allie, if it has cause of death it is the birth certificate surely?

Anniebach Sat 15-Oct-16 12:48:58

Allie, i do apologise, just realised you ordered a copy of his death certificate

AlieOxon Sat 15-Oct-16 12:55:21

Yes. It looks like the only paper with my name on, would be the birth certificate, which I don't have.

Jalima Sat 15-Oct-16 13:08:23

If you ex-H registered the death his name will be on the certificate I think; both names should be on the birth certificate.

We saw the Sands Garden recently when we went to the Aboretum, I don't know if they have organised trips from where you live Alie

Visit a Sands Garden
^This might be especially important if you cannot find any information about your baby’s burial or
ashes. There are several of these around the UK. Phone our Helpline to find out if there is one near
you and get the garden contact details.^
^You could also visit the Sands Garden at The National Memorial Arboretum in Alrewas, Staffordshire
which is open every day except Christmas Day. The Sands
Garden was established in 2000 and is dedicated to the
memory of all babies who have died. It is a tranquil place
where families can remember their own baby in peace. The
paths within the garden are lined with stones or pebbles on
which families have written their baby’s name or a short
message. If you would like to visit and add your own stone,
use one that is no bigger than 7 cm diameter and write on
or decorate it with indelible markers. Stones and indelible
markers are stocked the National Trust shop at the
Arboretum. You might also want to attend the Sands annual service in June at the Arboretum.^
Information about the service is posted on our website each year in March

Anniebach Sat 15-Oct-16 13:15:48

Yes, only the informants name is required on a death certificate which explains why your husbands name is on it. If you want your name with your son's name it does mean buying the birth certificate . Usually eleven pounds plus postage if ordered from the registrars office . I am so sorry you are having to cope with all this

AlieOxon Sat 15-Oct-16 14:07:24

Annie that isn't what the society of Genealogists say, as I said before....they said, the parentage, i.e. both, should be on it.
Anyway I find I object to having to get another certificate. I may change my mind but that's what I feel at the moment. Apart from being annoyed with my ex-husband!

I am, though, wondering if there is the slightest chance that there are any records left at the hospital in Lewisham where he was born and died.

AlieOxon Sat 15-Oct-16 14:08:51

Actually Jalima I was told that there is a similar place near me here in Didcot. I should go and find it.