my sister passed away

My sister is a bit like that and my mother could be too. It is often after death that we tend to reflect on the negative aspects of relationships, or may be that we just see them more clearly. Jealousy, envy is often the cause. Best advice, try not to reflect, she's gone and you need to move on.

marton66 I was once told that when someone dies we grieve for the loss of the relationship, regardless of whether it was good or bad. Mental health issues can lead people to have very strange thoughts and ideas. You are trying to understand something that probably even your sister didn't understand. All you can do is let it go. You are a favourite auntie so clearly you are doing something right. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way is right for you. I hope brighter days soon return to your life. Sending hugs x

Why is it that family of a deceased person feels that everyone has to say something about the person? I don't think that we should be expected to - if we want to then that's a different matter but for it to be expected is wrong.

Hi, sorry to hear about your sister. Mine also died a few years ago, very suddenly, unexpected, and I had a dreadful relationship with her. It compounded and confused the grief. I felt a mixture of confusion, regret, sadness, anger, and much more. After more deaths in the family, I became ill and in the process of recovery I decided to address my feelings towards her. I'm not religious but she was and I went into a cathedral and sat silently saying all that I wanted to say to her. I lit a candle and left feeling a whole lot lighter. I talked to a therapist (not a counsellor but someone who had no agenda but to be there) and came to realise that all the time you resist your feelings, you don't find peace. By accepting how you feel and just letting that be OK, you can come to a better place within yourself. Some things can never be fully resolved. Time does help a bit. Thank you for posting, it also helps me.

Let it go. Other people's opinion of you don't matter, the only opinion that matters is your own. Don't let it influence your life. their feelings don't have to be yours

I am so sorry that you have these awful memories and because your sister has now died there is very little you can do. I hope you will keep in touch with your niece - perhaps she has gone through something similar but doesn't like to talk about it. Time will help - try and put these things in the past where they belong. She obviously had some kind of mental disorder

Freud was an expert on sibling rivalry, it is a well know phenomena.

Doesn't make it any easier to cope with or to bear when the sibling dies.

Your sister chose you as her safe space for anger and whilst that has been uncomfortabe for you, it is also flattering, that you were the one she trusted with that part of her struggles.

She did seem jealous, that her daughter had you as a favourite, try to think that at least she told you that, she was acknowledging your worth as a person and what you meant to her own child. She was being honest with you, she could more easily have made up some spiteful nonsense about no one liking you.

She was in a dark place and seeing things through the gloom but still she gave you that compliment and truth. That was a big and brave thing for her to do then.

Her hurt from her own illness was projected on to you, because she valued you and was able to share that stuff with you, she could not do that in ways you recognised as her trust, but I think that was it.

Light candles for her, send up prayers, keep her memory positive for the sake of your family.

Love is a tricky bastard, we don't see it in all its forms but I am sure she loved you. I am sorry that she died alone, that is a sadness and I am sure you would have been there for her given the opportunity, be gentle on yourself now.

Thank you everyone for your input, I hope that given time I will be able to come to terms with our relationship. It only became apparent she had mental health issues a couple of years ago, when she had a breakdown, after being put on medication, she became a nicer person than ever before ! In fact, we managed a few conversations and laughs on the phone a week or so before she died . I had not seen her for a few years before, as she had not wanted a friendship with me, also we lived many miles away from each other, yes, I guess I am grieving for the relationship we SHOULD have had !

Marton, you will not know why, she has taken her anger to the grave. If you are younger then perhaps she felt you were the golden child of your parents .

Let it go my love, what was said cannot be taken back , sadly the spoken word cannot be unspoken .

Try to forgive her , and you can move on. Seems you are grieving so these thoughts and feelings will fade with the grief

So sorry Marton66. Try to let her go gently and not reflect and rehash on the unfortunate things she said. How doubly fortunate are those of us who don't seem to have mental health issues. My 2C would perhaps dispute that in my case!

The posts here show that others know what you are talking about marton
It is nothing that you have done, but your sister had a problem, as many people have.
?

matron mental health issue or not, your sister was obviously jealous of you (was she older than you) my sister was 2 when my other sister was born and she hated her for the rest of my sisters life for no reason other than my sister had the cheek to be born. You cant do anything now but allow yourself to grieve over the lost relationship.When you are ready Put flowers on her grave and say goodbye to her, the grief and the hurt. It wasn't your behavior that was wrong, it was hers.&

Your sister didn't appreciate having you as a sister and it sounds as though she was jealous that her daughter liked you. She's made you the target of her problems, whatever they were but you weren't the cause of them.
Your sadness is because you couldn't change her and therefore you couldn't have the relationship you wanted. You're grieving for a relationship you could never have and even though she's gone, there is a rift that's never been healed so closure is hard to achieve.
You can close things though. You can create an ending where you honour who your sister could have been if things had been different. You could find out when the next Soul service is being held at your local Church, ask the vicar to say a few words and then light a candle for her.
You will feel so much better afterwards. xxxx

I am sorry you feel so awful and your sister passed away without you knowing why she felt the way she did. It is very hard not to keep dwelling on things, and continually mulling over it in your head, but please try not to allow your feelings to affect your health and wellbeing. It is not your fault. Her daughter obviously thinks you are a lovely person.
In all my life my father never once told me he loved me, he died without ever saying those words. When he died, I was so sad that I never knew why he treated me this way , or why he behaved the way he did and favoured my brother over me. It festered for a long time and blighted my life. Please don't let this blight yours.
Take care.

So sorry

You dont say what sort of mental health condition she had[and you dont need to say] but I guess that definitely impacted on what she was saying.
This might help a little bit in the long term towards you forgiving her?

Are you saying that you do not know why she died?