my sister passed away

I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes it can be harder losing someone you don't get on with so well as you have such mixed feelings.

My sincere sympathies to you, marton66, and the others are right, don't fret over things that cannot be mended now, easy to say, but, it will only hurt you. Move on as soon as you can. I've lost three brothers and three sisters, and whilst we all loved each other, we certainly didn't always show it. SO much jealousy. More's the pity, we should each have been bigger than our precious feelings urged us to be.
Someone once said to me 'don't let hurt, hurt you', how I wish I'd listened. Now, is only here once.
However, I have one brother left, so I'm doing my best, to be a better sister.
Wish me luck gransnetters. But I really am a bit hopeless.

Hi so sorry for your loss, I lost daughter in 2015 I am only now able to begin to smile again. www.alondontourist.com/2017/03/sunshine-and-canal-walks.html

thank you so much xx

When someone you love dies, you grieve. Truly grieve.

When someone you had an ambiguous relationship with dies you experience mixed feelings. This is especially true if it's a relation, such as a sister, whom you once loved. But on the other hand don't feel guilty if you really didn't care for someone who has died.

Just acknowledge how you really feel and accept that.

If it's more regret for 'what might have been' (I too recognise that one Nfk) then all the regret in the world won't make up for it and best you move on.

When someone we love dies there is a tremendous regret for the 'What might have beens' and the 'The future that could have beens'. The guilt of what we could or should have done.

My mother suffered from a mental health condition called Jealousy. She kept it under wraps in front of the world but let it rip with us, her family. It sounds as if your sister was the same. She could say what she liked to you and her daughter knowing that your love was unconditional. You'd always be there when she wanted you. Even if you and she weren't in contact she knew you were there if needed.

You did all you could. Try to let it go. Talk with your niece, it'll do you both good.

Think of the times when you had a nice conversation and laughter over the phone before she died and not the bad times.

I am so sorry that you have lost your sister. It seems that you 'lost' your sister some time ago and i really feel for you. I hope in time you'll be able to put the hurtful things she said to you to the back of your mind but it may take time. Have you considered some bereavement counselling?
I do hope you have others to lean on and get support.
Big hugs to you!

Perhaps he had chance to enjoy his achievement of stopping smoking and enjoyed thinking about or planning a cruise. Sorry for your loss.x

I have just lost my brother a few weeks ago . I am struggling too with mixed feelings as we were quite close when young but have nor been for years and years. We did sort of keep in touch and bought each other little Xmas and birthday presents. He never married and sadly fell out with my son and never made it up though oddly he sent cards to my son and family and they reciprocated. My daughter is not often in the area but used to call and see him when she was here. My grandson twice asked me if he could see him but my brother said no so I just told my GS that he was too ashamed of the house. That bit was partly true anyway.
My brother could be very nasty to me on occasions so I tried to keep the chat neutral.
Well now that he's gone I feel so sad that he could have had a better relationship with all of us and that he has lived like a lonely old man when he needn't have. I feel anger as well as I tried to get him to do the house up etc but also feel sad as he had given up smoking only 2 months before he died and had renewed his passport . There were some leaflets among his things for cruises so I keep thinking was he going to try and turn his life around a bit. Now I will never know.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties ,,,,,but try to remember any good times you had together as children ,,,smile and then put it away ! You did what you could and it sounds likely she probably had a mild mental illness perhaps ! Don't let these feelings get you down ...let it pass, as it will, and eventually you can let go ! If you were not a caring sister it would not bother you so take comfort in the fact that during her life you probably did whatever you could !

It's a very emotional time for you, and there are so many unanswered questions.

Be true to yourself, and time will help you accept what was, and what is.

In the words of the Beatles song 'Let it be'. xx

annie she is your darling girl and you are a lovely mum.

We all have our coping mechanisms.

You loved your sister , that's why she had the ability to hurt you. Her feelings towards you cannot be explained as they were HER feelings. Your feelings of hurt are for the loss of the love you might have shared with her if she had let you. You are a good person, you loved her whatever. Grieve for what might have been and then give the love back to yourself.

I think it sounds like her condition at least contributed to the things she said to you. I think you should focus on the last few good conversations you had but I know what you mean that you are grieving the relationship you should have had. My brother passed away after a short illness a few years ago. We had never been close,he was never interested in my children or getting involved with my family. We never had cross words just didn't keep in touch unless through Facebook. At his funeral everyone was telling me what a good guy he was,funny,generous, good friend etc. I never knew the person they described. It hurt me that no matter how hard I tried he wasn't interested. My children never got to know him that well and I think everyone lost out.i too am still grieving for the relationship we should have had.

Cherry, I am so sorry, if I didn't tell myself the illness said that not my darling girl I would dissolve in tears ,

Sending a very warm virtual hug to you - I hope that you have someone close to give you a real hug.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad (and hurt).

I send you these and my love xx

Yes thank you annie that is what I was trying say.

My DH is trying so hard to do how you have describe with his own DM who has dementia & is saying awful things to him on a daily basis.
It is heartbreaking.

Just a thought, my elder daughter has bi polar, she is loving and caring but at times can say cruel things, I have learned to seperate the person from the illness, if she is unkind I accept that is the illness speaking

marton I have been giving your post a lot of thought.
In your shoes I cannot truly say how I would feel
But I don't think that you need to forgive your sister if at the root of everything was mental health issues.

For me it is about the acceptance that she was your sister warts and all
And there but for the grace of...
It could have been you that had the mental health issues.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I am sorry to hear of what you are going through. I do hope that you can see her remarks as having come from a bad place within her, which perhaps she couldn't help. The remarks you have quoted sound like classic jealousy; what a destructive emotion that is. Try to direct your thoughts elsewhere when this all comes back to you, and concentrate on the future and the niece who loves you and will need your support - she might well have been on the receiving end of nasty behaviour too.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister.
My younger brother died a few years ago, having become an alcoholic. He also had other mental health issues, including crippling OCD. We were close when younger but he could be really belittling and cruel towards the end of his life.
I was devasted with his death, but I've come to terms with the fact that the type of person he was, was largely due to his mental health issues and was not personal to me.

I am very sorry to hear about your sister marton and that your relationship was not happy. To some extent I can understand how you feel. Unfortunately it is the harsh things that stick in your memory. My first daughter in law and I had a difficult relationship. I didn't want it to be difficult, but she decided from the start that she didn't do families (ours or hers, it seemed) and so we never really got to know her. She was polite, but distant. Just before the end of her life, I remember visiting her in hospital and she said to me "Have you come to watch me die?" I said no, I had come to do what I could to help her to live. But it is that remark that stuck - sticks - in my mind. At her funeral and after, there were all these people reminiscing about her and I thought "I don't know this person they are talking about" and I felt cheated. I couldn't really think of anything to say about her. She was a good person and so good for my son that I genuinely wish for his sake that she was still here today. I hope you are able to come to terms with things in time.

Focus on the last few years you had when her mental health issues were found out. That was who your sister would have been had there been no illness. Be grateful you did eventually find the real person . Often mental health problems are not recognised and the person seems selfish and bitter. They often don't understand themselves why they say and do things.