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Bereavement

What shall I do with my son's urn

(17 Posts)
nellgwin Sun 24-Sep-17 00:23:52

Every day I see my son's urn in my wardrobe, it's 18 months now sinse he died and allthough we scattered his ashes the urn came home with me. I can't just throw it away but I am uncertain what to do with it.
Every time I see it my grief hits me again. I know my son would have just chucked it in the bin, but I can't. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Tegan2 Sun 24-Sep-17 00:27:51

Can't give a suggestion..but may I give you a virtual hug....x

norose4 Sun 24-Sep-17 00:39:52

This is so sad for you. Is it suitable for the garden with a lovely plant in it so that you can look at it in a different light & remember the love & times you shared .

suzied Sun 24-Sep-17 07:07:05

If it brings you grief I'd do what he would want you to do - chuck it away. Bury it in the garden or smash it up and use the bits for drainage in another pot. Buying a lovely plant in his memory and planting it where you can see it is a good idea. I wouldn't plant it in the urn though. Could you sponsor a bench in a place he loved or where you scattered the ashes? You will think of him every day but think of the lovely person he was, which I am sure you do, but the urn is just a horrible reminder of his tragic death which you don't need more than you already have. I'd get rid of it.

cornergran Sun 24-Sep-17 07:32:54

So sorry for your loss nell, It's just so wrong when a child dies before us. My thoughts are that whatever you do there will be upset. I can imagine breaking the urn could feel like you were breaking him, looking at it a constant painful reminder. Have you thought of asking the funeral director, a friend or family member to take it from you? Let them manage the disposal of it? Yes, plant something in your sons memory or sponsor a bench in a favourite spot then somehow let the urn go.

mumofmadboys Sun 24-Sep-17 07:39:26

I agree get rid of the urn. Do you have happy photos of him on display or one anyway? Wishing you a greater sense of peace.x

Grannyknot Sun 24-Sep-17 07:45:44

nellgwin I am so sorry for your sad loss.

It never occurred to me what happens to an empty urn after ashes are scattered. My mother's ashes were in a recyclable cardboard box, that disintegrated in the ocean when my brother swam out with it, as that is where we "scattered" her ashes.

I think making use of the urn by changing it into something else, is a good idea - like using it in the bottom on a plant pot. Everything is about change. Change the urn so you don't see it in the same way as you do now. If you can't bring yourself to break it, perhaps someone else could do it and prepare the pot and you can then plant something in the soil.

I send you love.

ninathenana Sun 24-Sep-17 07:50:19

I was going to suggest burying it in the garden. Then you can plant something beautiful above. If you don't have a garden maybe a friend or relative would do this for you.
cornergran suggestion of taking it back to the undertakers may work for you too.
Sorry for your loss.

Anya Sun 24-Sep-17 07:51:47

nellgwin there's nothing wrong with giving in to grief, it's still early days yet (((hugs)))

If you think you should get rid then only you'll know when the time is right.

MawBroon Sun 24-Sep-17 08:40:45

Of course you can't chuck it nellgwin and please accept my sincere sympathies.
I like the idea of using it to line a planter with something special in it. Either a rose, perhaps or the herb Rosemary "for remembrance" flowers

Christinefrance Sun 24-Sep-17 09:20:16

My sympathy nellgwin the plant idea is a good one I think, maybe take it to a favourite place so it's not there every day for you. flowers

Luckygirl Sun 24-Sep-17 09:58:00

So sorry about your loss - how very sad for you all

It is difficult to know what to do with the urn The one that had contained my Mum's ashes went off in the car with my brother after we had scattered them and, slightly to my horror, I discovered later that he had put it in a waste bin at a motorway service station. I really did not know what to think about that.

Could you discuss it with other members of the family? - they may have good suggestions. flowers

hildajenniJ Sun 24-Sep-17 10:25:24

The container for my Mum's ashes (I couldn't call it an urn), went back to the undertaker. We decanted my Dad's ashes into a disposable plastic container, and after we scattered his ashes, my sister recycled the container. If your son's urn is decorative, could you use it for some other purpose, as above, a planter sounds like a good idea.

LadyGracie Sun 24-Sep-17 11:26:18

I would definitely bury it, I have urns from my DM and DF buried in my garden and I planted a yellow rose with them, it flowers profusely and I find this very comforting.

lemongrove Sun 24-Sep-17 16:02:53

nellgwin 💐
I think the suggestion of burying the urn in the garden and then planting something you like next to it is the best idea.

NotTooOld Sun 24-Sep-17 17:45:30

Oh, don't hang on to it if it makes you sad to look at it. What's the point? You're son sounds like a very sensible person and he surely would not wish you to be in this quandry. Burying it in the garden and planting something above sounds like a very good suggestion to me.

Nelliemoser Sun 24-Sep-17 20:01:59

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I would also consider planting something in the urn or as others have suggested above.
A small shrub or tree you can keep nearby and "talk to". It's not as daft as it sounds, it's quite comforting.