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death in the family.

(20 Posts)
Fennel Mon 25-Dec-17 17:11:00

We've had phone calls from all our adult children to say that their Dad died this morning, . My ex.
We were only together for about 15 years, and were never happy together, but he was OK with children, and they have always stayed close.
He was bi-polar and on Lithium from his 40s until he died, at 81, partly due to the longterm effects of the drug.
He re-married and she has been good to him, even though she has psychiatric problems too. No more children.
I don't think I'll go to the funeral, but would like to send a card to his wife, but don't know what to write on it. what do you think?
BTW 2 of our 3 children and their families went to visit him on Friday, just 2 days before he died. The 3rd is the one in India.

SueDonim Mon 25-Dec-17 17:29:20

I'm sorry to hear this. :flowers:

I'd send a nice card saying something like 'Thinking of you at this difficult time' as it sounds as though you are indeed thinking of her.

cornergran Mon 25-Dec-17 18:16:50

Of course send a card fennel. What would you say to anyone in her position? sued has suggested some very appropriate words, others may make different suggestions, just write from the heart. I’m sorry your family has experienced this loss. flowers.

Anniebach Mon 25-Dec-17 19:28:30

SueD has chosen appropriate wording and I am sure the children will appreciate it

nanaK54 Mon 25-Dec-17 20:08:07

Oh how sad flowers

tiredoldwoman Tue 26-Dec-17 07:57:03

Just write something as nice as you've written here . It's brought tears to my tired old eyes , your family sound lovely .

Marydoll Tue 26-Dec-17 08:26:16

Sorry to hear your sad

Hm999 Tue 26-Dec-17 09:41:04

Sad to hear of your children's loss.
Card - excellent idea. If you can put in the bit about how good she was for him, even better.

Skweek1 Tue 26-Dec-17 09:49:33

So sad to hear - even a bad marriage leaves happy memories and still regrets. Agree that a card which speaks to her that your thoughts are with her will be a suitable gesture. flowers

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 26-Dec-17 09:52:54

Yes, a card saying, "Sorry to hear of your loss. You were very good for him. Celebrate his life."
I think Dr Seuss wrote something like, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened," or words to that effect.

amber22 Tue 26-Dec-17 10:27:36

my ex died earlier this month, his second wife (now widow) phoned me to tell me. It was one of those phone calls when as soon as she said 'It's B***' I knew what must have happened as there's no reason she'd phone me normally. It was so kind of her to let me know, I think she wanted to talk about it (totally unexpected heart attack) so I listened which I think is really what's needed. Since then I sent a Christmas card with a note saying 'do phone me if you'd like to chat' which has really left her to decide, I'm not going to intrude. I realise that your circumstances may be different but a friendly note would be welcome, I'm sure.

tigger Tue 26-Dec-17 10:32:59

If you want to go to the funeral then go, you can sneak in at the end and sit at the back. The kids might appreciate it.

Fennel Tue 26-Dec-17 11:12:24

Thanks for the helpful replies. ( and Amber, what a coincidence.) I've bought a card.
The main complication is that my husband now (of 40 happy years TG) has no sympathy for him or her - a long sad story. He more or less brought up my children with me, plus one of his.
And I've never actually spoken to her.
So I think just a friendly note.

blue60 Tue 26-Dec-17 11:18:49

I would just keep it simple and write 'Thinking of you' As SueDonim has suggested.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 26-Dec-17 12:23:29

I suggest being honest and starting your card by saying "I just don't know what to say, but I am feeling very sad for you and the children,"

Most of us don't know what to say in the face of a death.

If you want to go the funeral then go, and sit in an inconspicuous place . Go, too, if your children want you there. If you really would rather not go, then don't, but only if you are sure it won't cause pain or offence.

Sorry if this sounds contradictory, but staying away from a funeral can be misunderstood, unless you feel your ex's widow will be embarrassed if you attend.

radicalnan Tue 26-Dec-17 14:30:11

Yes, do send the card with a little note saying how glad you are that he had found her and been sound like you have been happy too.

Whatever happiness they had was good for the children you shared, so you all have much to be grateful for.

Fennel Tue 26-Dec-17 15:31:09

I've just remembered, he has a sister, who is a lovely person.
I should write to her too.

radicalnan Tue 26-Dec-17 16:53:27

Reaching out to comfort people is never wrong.

newnanny Tue 26-Dec-17 23:20:55

A card is thoughtful and always well received. Just to let you know I am thinking of you at this difficult time is all that is needed.

WilmaKnickersfit Wed 27-Dec-17 00:32:36

I agree with the advice above, although I do think you should keep the words you write as simple as possible because you have never spoken to her. Unless you know his marriage was a happy one, it's best not to say something about his second marriage. Presumably you met his sister, so if you write to her you will have memories you can share. radicalnan is right that reaching out is a good idea. Everyone's loss will be different and don't be surprised if you find memories popping in to your mind for a while. His death is a loss for you too, especially when you have children in common. flowers