Grief

No wonder you're heartbroken, debohun. I wish there was some kind of magic wand to make the hurt less.
I don't blame you for feeling angry too.. I'm rambling because I don't know what to say..

Sorry Fennel at the moment I just can't do anything. I am leaving well alone and hope he comes to his senses but I do not hold out much hope.

I've just read your thread, debohun, and can't add much to the replies above. Thank God we have not yet had to face such a sad situation.
All I can say is, give it time, feelings will change, hopefully for the better. And as paddyannsays
"Try not to judge him ,,try to make peace ,for the GC's sake"

paddyann I know you mean well but myself and my husband know my son-in-law very well he showed us the real 'him' time and time again not only while my daughter was ill but throughout their marriage we just felt that we shouldn't interfere with their marriage and it should be her decision whether to leave him or not and we just said that if ever she made that decision she could live with us with the children until she got sorted. I have no doubts my daughter loved my SIL my doubts have always been as to whether he loved her. This is why he has moved away because he did not want us to see the children and questions would be asked at the school and by neighbours as we had the children all the time and then suddenly we didn't have them at all. He would not even pick up the phone. We have never been able to speak to the children on the phone. Leading up to my daughter's death we had the children all the time they slept over we took them out so that he could have precious time with her when she was in hospital for the last 8 weeks. Suddenly we were surplus to requirements as soon as she passed. If this sounds as if we are bitter you will be right. Feelings are running very high. As for the children he did not concern himself with them whilst my daughter was with us. She had to ask me to accompany her on any outings because he couldn't be bothered. He rarely accompanied her on family occasions and she always had to make some excuse as to why he wasn't there. Of course now he realises that the children are all he has left and he has been more attentive. If he has stepped up as a father then that is a good thing I am really pleased of course. My daughter begged him not to move away he promised her he wouldn't, just one of the promises he made to her which he has gone back on. We are heartbroken, we are grieving so much we cannot forgive him for what he has done to the children. How can any father do that to their children!

please dont assume that because he behaved badly he didn't love your daughter,you have no idea how he felt/feels or what was going on in his head .As I said my son in law can be harsh around my daughter but its because he cant accept whats happened to his bright, funny hard working wife and he's been advised to attend counselling.We all deal with things differently and I've come to accept my SIL's way is not mine or my daughters .Is he a good dad? If he has his childrens interests at heart he will come round,he wont be able to watch them pine for you as well as their mum.Try not to judge him ,,try to make peace ,for the GC's sake

I am so sorry for your loss Nonnie and Kupari45. At this time we just do not have any fight in us. We have left well alone since he sent the christmas presents back to us. My husband lost his sister on the 6th January and I lost a good friend on the 5th January. We are trying to leave things for the time being as you did Kupari45. We do not feel that any apologising from us will help as I think he will just return any letters from us unopened as he did a parcel we sent to the children in mid December we received back 2 days before christmas. The next big step will be the scattering of my daughter's ashes which I am sure he will not invite us to or let us know the location. This could cause a great deal of distress to my other children and they are trying to stay on the good side of him so that they can stay in contact with the children.

If only I could find words of sympathy and advice that would really be of help to you debohun. I can't though, I'm so sorry . But I just want you to know how very, very sad I feel for your situation, and I really hope that time will heal the rift between you and your SiL and you are able to see your GC again

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. My daughter died in February 2016 after a long battle with Breast Cancer which eventually spread to her Brain.
Like you we looked after her 3 children and helped nurse her , and supported my S-I-L as much as we could.
Over the months he has changed into a stranger. He moved house 200 miles from here and has made seeing the children as difficult as possible. He has now met another Lady and she has moved in, and the children are bewildered but have had to accept the situation.
Coming so soon after our daughters death it has been a nightmare. All my efforts at keeping in touch were rebuffed, so finally I did nothing for 3 months. No calls no texts etc. Finally just before Christmas we got a phone call inviting us to have a meal with them while Girl friend was away.
I drove over one afternoon and stayed until 8pm. It was wonderful to see the children.
Since then I have had two phone calls so I'm taking things very slowly and hoping to cling on to some contact with the children.
So all I can suggest is trying to "back off" for a while and see what happens.
I can honestly say I know what you are going through just now- and my heart goes out to you.

I have no answer and can only send my sympathy. I lost my son recently so understand your grief.

As others have said, can you get a third party to talk to him about the situation? He may regret it but not know how to set it right, his pride may get in the way. Try to understand how he sees the situation, even if you disagree with him, only then will you be able to find an appropriate response. Good luck.

Thank you for all your messages of sympathy and advice. I have got to sign off now as I work full time and I just didn't realise just how much support I would get from so many people and I really want to answer all your messages. I will return. Thank you again.

paddyann thank your for your comments. I believe you grieve for someone you have loved and lost. I do not believe my SIL loved my daughter as you do not treat someone you love like he did. If he feels anything it should be a guilty conscience. As for writing to his family apparently a letter I wrote to someone who is their family friend and who my daughter described as her second mum was apparently out of order according to him. I am not allowed to do that so writing to his family is not an option. My daughter did not have a good relationship with them and actually neither did he and yet he has moved there to be near them.

I can't find the words to express my sympathy for you. I am just so very sorry for your loss. I do hope your SIL will be more reasonable once he starts to recover from his grieving.
Sending you my very best wishes that you can see your grandchildren again very soon.

Thank you Debohun, and of course mine are with you too. I hope you and yours can find your way back to supporting eachother, but I know that it must be very difficult. I'm very sorry for your loss. The grief is all consuming at times, and I wonder how I can go on. You have added problems, I know.

Anniebach the answer to your question is we tolerated him for my D's sake. She wanted to leave him but never had the courage to do so or the time she said.

Thank you for the advice cornergran I will keep this in mind.

Thank you Crafting

My heartfelt sympathies are with you MissAdventure.

Sincere sympathies to all those who have had such dreadful challenges to face.

Emotions run high at such times and it is hard to claw your way back from estrangements in these circumstances. I do hope that time will achieve some rapprochement.

debohunXL5 I can only imagine how hard life is for you and your family living with such a terrible strain. I hope you will find GN a supportive environment where you can share your feelings. My heart goes out to you and to the others who are trying to cope with the loss of loved ones and all it brings. Words seem so inadequate.

Terminal illness is so much more than just the physical deterioration of a person. It causes all sorts of emotions and issues, and it puts a terrible strain on everyone involved, its true.

I agree with Egalantine and More than here. When my sister was dying of cystic fybrosis her husband would go missing, sometimes for days, which made her even more ill with worry. At the time my family were so angry with him for his lack of care for her. If it hadn't been for my parents she would have probably died much sooner, alone in hospital. Emotions were running so high at the time, then when grief eventually kicked in too, I could barely look at my brother in law. Looking back now I see a man running away and unable to cope. He didn't belong to a supportive family on his side, so probably hadn't a clue which way to turn. It took a long time to understand and then forgive him for the treatment of my sister (I know her illness made her angry and she could lash verbally). I suggest you forgive too and don't leave it as long as I did. Swallow any pride you may have so that you can wrap your arms around those children once again, as your daughter would have wanted. Sending a hug.

morethan a well written post I hope the OP can find some comfort and understanding from it.
My thoughts are with your families.
My sympathies to all those who mention their loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss of your daughter and now your estrangement from your grandchildren.
Their father is obviously very angry and also grieving.
My experience of this kind of situation comes from the other side. I was the daughter in law who was taken to task for not looking after my dying husband in the way his mother thought I should.
Like your son in law I had children to care for, a job to hold down, the knowledge that the man I loved would soon no longer be with me, a husband who could be unkind too. To be told I was making a poor job of it was very, very painful.

Whatever you think of him, the important thing is to re-establish contact with your grandchildren. If that means apologising profusely even though you think he was in the wrong, please do it. What he did or didn't do doesn't matter now in comparison to finding a way to see your grandchildren again.
You are worried he is saying horrible things about you. He is probably equally worried about what you might say about him. My mother in law told my children I was hopeless.

Has he moved to be closer to his family for support?

I do hope this can be resolved.

Please accept my sincere condolences. I am at this moment in time at the opposite end of the same problem. Luckily my DiL is responding to treatment but her cancer is terminal. My heart goes out to her mother. I have spent many a night sitting holding her hand as she sobbed. I have also witnessed her confront my son about about what she sees as his unreasonable behaviour and my son angrily defend himself. Luckily I was there and was able to diffuse the situation. It was perfectly clear to me that this was simply because the whole family were under the most terrible terrible on going strain. My DiL has sobbed in my arms twice about somthing my son has done that had hurt her. If she had confided in her own mother I dread to think what her reaction would have been. My DiL agreed with me when I said she’d have hung him from the back gate by his scotum. If I’m honest listening to her and seeing this wonderful girl sob I wouldn’t have blamed her. A few weeks ago I heared the other side of the story when my son broke down and confided his inner turmoil. I won’t go into what he said but the gist was that a lot of the time when she was low she would say things that hurt him very much somtimes for hours, days or weeks. Things like “you’ll be ok when I die, you’ll find someone else and much worse He said he tried everything to reassure her to no avail. after months and months in order to be able to carry on his emotions just shut down and probably could be construed as cold and uncaring by those of us who hadn’t witnessed her behaviour. He loves her, he loves his four children, he works early mornings so he can be home early. He’s worried sick everyday, he’s worried he can’t provide for his family. Perhaps your SiL is worried that you may unintentionally pass on your feelings of anger and disappointment about his behaviour to the children and the emotional impact that would have on them. Could you write to your SiL or a member of his family and ask them to explain on your behalf how much you miss the children and ask for supervised visits at first until trust has been restored. I really hope that you can be reunited with your grandchildren the double loss must be truly unbearable for you and your family. I hope my post isn’t insensitive or upset you.