Grief

Thank you all. I know from what I have read on GN that we all have our heartbreak and worries and this is a fantastic site for pouring out our worries. It really does help me to write to you and pour everything out. I have loads of photos of my darling daughter as she was growing up with her siblings and they are already in albums. I am keeping most of their toys that they played with when they stayed with me it just means packing them all up which I am reluctant to do yet as I want things to be just as they are in case a miracle happens and we see them again soon. Looking at their photos on the wall, school ones in frames and ones my daughter put together with nan and grandad on the frames are now heartbreaking to see. It has now been 15 months since my daughter passed away and I still feel I haven't started to grieve for her as I am still grieving for my GC I wonder what they are doing all the time. Is he paying them attention? Are they going to their school fair? It will soon be sports day will he even turn up to watch them.?We always did. Every sports day every nativity play, every book club, every time the school held some charity event we would be there supporting them. He was rarely there. Even though he wasn't at work. Are they ill? Is he aware when they are under the weather. Is he giving them loads of cuddles? Its driving me mad having no contact, and not seeing them. I just have to trust he is doing all these things. Thank you so much if you are reading this post its good to know you are there.

I really am so very sorry for you although I realise that writing this doesn't help you.

I hope things get resolved.

Just to say I was younger than your grandchildren when my mother died, but I always had, and have to this day, very clear memories of her and the things we did together. And a deep sense of having been loved by her.

You are n a very hard place. I hope this helps a little

I am truely sorry for you and your family Debo. I hope you will have contact with your grandchildren but untill then may I suggest you make albums for them, stories of their mother as a child, a teenager, a bride . Photographs. They will want to know .

Thanks Anniebach for your comments. I understand where you are coming from and it might seem that I do not realise what he may be going through. If he had been a caring thoughtful husband throughout their marriage, if he had supported her throughout her illness and not made her cry, if he had shown love for his children and showed that he wanted to spend time with them and not ignore them most of the time, I may have agreed with you. I hope he has stepped up as a father, that would be my greatest wish as I know the children love him. But what I cannot understand is why he would want to alienate us from them. They have already lost their mum, to deny us access to them and them to us with no correspondence or gifts to them, along with all their aunties uncles and cousins on our side of the family when we have been so involved with them up to my daughter's death. then that is just cruel. He may have an issue with me personally because I confronted him about his behaviour towards my daughter but he is being selfish and only thinking of how he feels and not how his children feel. My husband has been very ill through all this and so have I. I thought I was going to lose my husband at one point. I just dont feel that he ever loved my daughter and all he did feel after her death is loneliness and perhaps guilt. Why is he punishing his children? We are giving him time, we have not contacted him as he has wished. But what are we going to do if we no longer have an address for the grandchildren? We need to know that they are at least well. I just dont know how we are going to cope with not knowing. The thought of anything happening to them makes us so worried.

Debohun, my daughters were 5 and 7 when their father died, a car crash , so no time to event start to prepare our children.

I didn’t mark the first anniversary of his death, or second or third with them, they didn’t attended the funeral, their paternal grandmother wanted them to visit his grave but I decided no, I waited untill they asked which they did but not for sometime. I didn’t have photographs of him in the house because I couldn’t cope with seeing them.

They asked questions in their own time and I thought this was a better way for them than me telling them what I thought they may want to know.

Your son in law has to work through his grief his way, because he met another woman five months after he was widowed doesn’t mean he has stopped grieving, he is in a lonely world, he has to move on with his life as hard as this is for you.

My elder daughter died last November , her husband was devastated when she died, he has to work through his grief and I through mine. He is grieving for his wife and he adored her, I like you am grieving for my child, I gave birth to her, taught her to walk, just as you did your daughter.

I know the grief of a widow and of a mother, they are not the same my love.

Your grandchildren will ask questions, will want to talk about their mother in their own time.

I am so sorry you are not in touch with the children , it could be your son in laws way of working through his grief .

I send you hugs x

Thanks Jobey68 and Luckygirl for your comments. I just needed to let off some steam and tell someone. I have kept all correspondence between us and SIL and have still got the unopened parcel sent back to us and all their christmas presents. I will keep them in the hope of seeing them again. Being only 7 and 5 when their mother passed away. I hope they wont forget her or us. SIL told one of my daughter's friends he did not mark the occasion on the first anniversary of her death with the children, choosing to ignore it. I am not sure whether that is right or wrong. I obviously do not want them to be upset but I feel their mummy should be remembered on such occasions. As he now has a girlfriend. I hope she is doing the right thing by them. I have learned that he started going out with her in October last year and therefore despite saying he was grieving for my daughter he found someone else only 5 months after her death. I wish her no ill and hope that she treats my GC well but I am concerned that if the relationship doesn't last then that will be another person the GCs have lost. Still I suppose that could happen anyway. Sorry I am rambling now and spilling my thoughts on to paper.

- such a sad situation.

It is so hard when our adult children tell us such things - to speak out or not? - always very difficult. I can understand why you chose your action as you did, and I am sorry that the outcome has been so unhappy for all.

I have no easy answers I am afraid but send supportive thoughts.

How desperately sad a situation for you to be dealing with on top of grieving for your daughter And I can only imagine your heartache.
It does begger belief that SIL could do this to his children when they have already lost so much.

It may be his way of dealing with his grief but nobody gains this way and all you can.do is keep trying so your GC grow up knowing you tried.

Xx

Just thought I would write an update on our situation. All of us including my Ds twin sister and my 2DS now have no contact with my SIL or our GC. SIL has used the slightest excuse to tell them not to contact him. He has sent us a Solicitor's letter saying not to contact him direct. We sent him a Solicitor's letter asking him if he still retained my DDs ashes. He says he still has them but will not be telling us when he is going to scatter them as we are hostile towards him. We have now not seen the GC since last September last year and have not even been able to speak to them. We sent them Easter cards with money in to SILs M's address and they must have given them to the GC as we have not received them back but we did receive a letter from his family asking us not to send any correspondence to their address in future. SIL must have been angry that they had passed on the cards to the children. It is GS's birthday in September SIL is only renting his house until July so will probably move or has already moved, what do I do about sending GS a birthday card? He has also changed his phone number so once he has moved no contact at all and no way of contacting the GC. We are beside ourselves with worry. His Solicitor's letter came from a completely different area so we do not know whether he has moved to that area or he is playing mind games with us. If he has moved it means he has pulled those poor children out of their school again. We think he has a definite mental health problem to do what he has done to those children in not letting them see their mum's family anymore. I can only hope he is looking after them. Sorry to go on, it does help.

retr0gran as this is an old thread your post may be overlooked. Maybe start a new thread or join in with the one here:
www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1245584-Support-for-all-who-are-living-with-estrangement-2

Oops, lost almost finished post, can't find now, grrr! Any suggestions? ( I'm new here!) OK start again.... Husband died at 36, daughter 10, difficult teenager now happily married with 3 girls, 8 and twins of 6 in London, I'm in N Ireland,she's a great mother, I see them once or twice a year but no understanding I have Rheumatoid arthritis, find their stairs hard, been banned from birthday parties as I just "get in the way'. Can anyone empathise or advise in any way? Thanks for reading.

Thanks for all your comments. Paddyann I would love to be able to wish him well but any communication from us he treats as harrassment. I do hope that my grandchildren are happy apparently his girlfriend has a daughter also so I hope there isn't going to be jealousies all round. To be honest if I ever met his girlfriend I would tell her to run for the hills as if he treats her like he treated my daughter I wouldn't wish that on any one. I will not be able to offer to look after the grandchildren as we have no contact. He hates us and the feeling is mutual. The only thing that may happen is that he will fall out with his family which is often the case in previous years, and he will want child care so that he can get away with his new girlfriend. This is my only hope but I am doubtful. I knew this day would come but it is still a shock and I feel he is going to try to stop my other children from seeing the children as he tried to provoke my son in December by saying some awful things about me but my son kept his cool thank goodness. Now he has text my daughter this news for maximum impact and to provoke her also into saying something back that will justify him in blocking contact with them. Will this hurt ever stop!

Nothing I can add to this other than saying how sorry I am for everyone who has lost someone they love...

I'm so sorry Debohun to read of your daughter's death and the seemingly heartless and insensitive treatment of you by her husband. I can't really add to anything already written but wondered if your other children would be able to mediate on your (and the children's) behalf to try and come to some kind of compromise. If he has no support from his family with the children there may come a time when he needs some from you. If the door is left open at some point hopefully he will ask for help. At the moment though as you've said you need to concentrate on yourself and your husband

Good idea paddyann and I agree about men moving on quickly. It could be said that as they were happy before they want the same thing again. It's not so easy for the children though.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter debohun and for all the problems you currently face. Take time to grieve and look after yourself.

So pleased to learn your husband is well after his op.

There is no set time for grieving . Your son in law must be lonely and hasn't got over your confrontation with him when your daughter was ill, what ever the rights or wrongs you felt he must have been hurt. Your grandchildren are so young, they need a woman in their life , this must hurt you but it is true .

Our daughters were five and seven when their father died, that was forty years ago. I did have a four year relationship but ended it because my elder daughter didn't want me to marry again. All these years on and following my elder daughters illness and then death last November I now think I made the wrong decisions all those years ago, but I don't know if it was the wrong decision.

Your son in law must live his life as he chooses .

Time will pass, you all have to work through your own grief .

I hope you will be reunited with your grandchildren but it may take time. Difficult as it is try to build bridges with your son in law , for the whole family.

I think he's trying to fill a space in his life...I have a friend who moved a girlfriend into his house two months after his wife of 25 years died...we were all shocked and her parents were devastated but he said he cant live alone.Never has,went from his mother to his wife and couldn't accept an empty house.I dont think he did the right thing..she was my childhood friend and I missed her and couldn't understant the need to replace her so fast...but...I've spoken to a lot of male friends and most think the same.They would find someone else when their wives died.I must admit I was surprised .I know I wouldn't want to look for someone if my OH died before me ...maybe I'm odd.You just have to accept it and wish him well and hope the children find having his new GF around a help to them .I am so sorry for your loss and this double whammy .You could offer to look after the children to give him and his new GF some time as a couple ....might be a way of getting round him .Sometimes we do things that go against the grain to get the result we want/need.

It never ceases to surprise me how quickly men choose to be in a new relationship so soon after losing their previous partner, especially where children are involved

Just to let you know my husband has come through his operation well. We had my husband's sister's funeral yesterday. Very emotional as it was at the same chapel and same venue for the wake as my daughters. My other daughter got a text message from my SIL to say that he couldn't meet up with her in the half term week as he now has a 'GIRLFRIEND'. So it would seem he has moved on only 9 months after my daughter's passing. My D was beside herself with sorrow to be informed like this in passing in a text message. It just confirms everything I have thought about him to be true. He is very insensitive. I knew this would happen one day but it seems so soon considering he only told my son that he had only just started to grieve for my daughter in December. I really want my grandchildren to be happy and I know they will be missing their mum terribly but I do not want them to forget her and I am afraid this will happen without our family involved with them. What do you think? am I over-reacting?

Thanks Luckylegs9 we just need to get through the next two funerals this month and then my husband has to have an operation as well. We are going to concentrate on these dates I have to put my husband first at the moment.

Sorry, should have been Debohun, this inad just changes words after you have typed the correct one.

Denounced, I am so very sorry about the death of you beloved daughter. Now you are kept from your grandchildren. You are grieving for your daughter and I think you need time before you do anything. I wish I could help, please look after yourself.

Thank you MissAdventure I wish I had a magic wand as well to bring my daughter back to us.