My Wife Died

Sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine your feelings. Lots of gransnetters share your experience and their thoughts and advice sound warm and sincere.
I hope I don’t sound crass with the following thoughts but from the perspective of the younger generation my selfish 40 year old self lacked understanding of the loneliness death of a spouse brings and I shamefully saw my widowed father in law as that moaning old misery who brought us all down every time he visited.
Perhaps making an effort to be a bit more upbeat and positive so that they want your company could help. I know you shouldn’t have to but the younger generation can be self absorbed. Way off in the future when they have matured they’ll look back with shame at how they treated you but will say he was such a brave selfless man always so positive and good to be around.
Now ducking behind the parapet

Hello Peewww, what a sad and lonely time you have been enduring. It seems difficult to work out why people do what they do, and your immediate family do seem to be rather callous. I hope that as time passes you feel more able to let go of anger and perhaps take up some hobbies or interests involving other people. When you have been a carer for a loved one the day to day activities seem to drop away. Make sure you eat well and look after yourself; I do wish you well and hope that in another few months you will be looking at a better picture.

Good morning peewww.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife.

Some good advice here. I just wanted to pick up a couple of things that echo my own experience.

Firstly, as Day6 has highlighted - you have said:

I am trying to build a life bit by bit but don't see much point. I am too busy being angry, a trait I picked up in childhood with dysfunctional parents

I too had a dysfunctional family (a bitter and twisted and emotionally distant mother and a father who was hardly ever there) and was angry for many years about the way I was treated. I had decided not to confront my mother about it as I didn't want to lose my inheritance.

I had every right to be angry but I couldn't get it out of my system for many years. It affected my marriage and held me back at work because I felt resentful, imagining that everyone else there had had a happy childhood and were happy generally, which may not have been the case.

By chance I came across someone who explained to me why my mother had treated me the way she did and then I understood. This helped me to accept that she was simply unable to behave like a "normal" parent and I actually felt sorry for her instead of angry - a great relief.

I now want to say something about your sons.

Is it possible that they too are grieving the loss of their mother and cannot bear to talk about it? Or maybe they have difficult wives who demand all their attention - or both? In general people don't know how to deal with others' grief.

You have indicated that you haven't always been close to your sons so it may be unrealistic to expect more from them at present.

My advice is to find ways to work through your anger and your grief otherwise you will not be able to move forward with your life. Some form of counselling may help. I suggest you tackle the dysfunctional parents part first as that may still be affecting you.

Make sure that the counsellor is really helping you as they are expensive. Change the counsellor if they are on the wrong track or you don't like their style. This is to help you - not line their pockets!

I wish you all the best.

So sorry to hear of your loss. There is some excellent advice from others here, but this may add something.
Why not organise a family lunch or dinner on a regular basis to catch up and keep in touch. Monthly, bi-monthly, it doesn't matter. Suggest you be frank but not angry, and speak of your hurt. Drink a toast to your wife.

What skills do you have? Can you offer them in a voluntary capacity to a charity or local organisation? As previously commented, work adds structure to a life. If you're a lawyer, take up a cause. If an accountant, help a charity? If a doctor, why not think about sitting on an Ethics Committee.

Your pain will lessen and the loss will diminish, but it takes a while. Find joy in tour grandchildren?

Dear Peewww - my condolences on the loss of your wife. It takes a long time to learn how to live your life after bereavement and it's an ever-changing situation. There are lots of good suggestions given above by Gransnetters but alex57currie has the best one - start by having no expectations of anyone even family members. It's hard work, but building a new network by joining groups and meeting people means you will start to look outside yourself again. Have a look at way-up.co.uk to see if it might be your sort of thing.

Such good advice here. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Us individuals in terrible circumstances have expectations - when there not met we are so hurt and disappointed. Some times when we think family will pull in, they don't. I suppose it is accepting that disappoint. I've learnt if I have no expectations I can't be disappointed. It's sometimes a hard way to live, but we can't control the actions of others.

A very big hug, fill your life with friends, hobbies, and things you love doing, and if you write, put it all on paper.

Dear Peewww, I have nothing to add to the excellent advice you have already been given, but to send you a massive hug and hope that things will get lighter for you very soon. , , . Much love xx

What an amazing thing you did, caring for your wife through the last years of her life. You were a wonderful husband and a very strong man to do all that. What a pity you’ve been let down by those who ought to be supporting you through this difficult transition.

Can I suggest you forget them for now and do something for yourself. You say you’ve no social life. Could you move closer to friends you left behind when you reallocated perhaps? Or to your nieces? At least take yourself off on a holiday. You deserve a chance to unwind and find time to come to terms with losing your wife.

Sincere condolences on the loss of your wife Peewww

This is the hardest time for you and I am so sorry your children are not supporting you as they should. I would not presume to know their thinking, but you may have to resign yourself to somehow coming through it on your own or, if possible, with the support of friends.
I lost my DH in November after a long period of illness involving 24/7 Care from me so have an idea of how you may be feeling, although of course we are all different .
Feelings of anger, guilt, depression are perfectly normal along with the sadness and empty space in your life. I know it is a cliché but it is early days.
Do stay with us on GN there are many others who can empathise and will offer a shoulder if you need it.

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad and angry. I can quite understand why you feel lonely and abandoned.

I believe there are bereavement groups where people who have lost loved ones can talk openly about how they are feeling. I think Cruse is the most well known one. I don't know if this is of any interest to you but sometimes it helps to just be able to talk with other people who may be experiencing similar feelings to yourself.

I don't know how old or how mobile you are but perhaps, when you are feeling a little better, it might help to join some other groups or clubs (ramblers, pensioners' groups, etc, etc), or take a course in something which interests you or learn a skill that you have always wanted to learn.

I hope, in time, things get better for you.

*peewww, I felt so sad reading this. You will find many good and caring people on GN, who are happy to listen and offer comfort and support.

peewww I am so sorry you have had a horrible time and you don't seem to have anyone close to you for comfort. I won't offer any advice I don't think it will be the right thing to say as I don't know you but you have my thoughts and good wishes and I do hope you will continue with Gransnet and make some new friends on here. there is always someone here willing to listen and often quite a few people can empathise with your sorrow.

I feel very sad for you. There’s much advice here, see what sits comfortably with you. Can I add that for me a visit to your GP is essential and if you can keep meeting with your CRUSE counsellor. If that counselling has ended you might find it helpful to form a relationship with a more general counsellor, perhaps to think about relationships in general.

Grief is individual, no two people grieve in the same way, your sons are experiencing their own grief process which is unlikely to coincide with yours or indeed each others. That doesn’t mean you have to be separate, please try not to be angry with them, anger can be both exhausting and destructive. If you can meet with them for a coffee or a meal and chat about their lives that could be a beginning.

General advice after bereavement is to make no dramatic changes, such as a house move, for at least the first year, the feelings go with you. I hope there are friends in your area for you. You will always find someone here to talk to. I hope you can feel more at ease with yourself and your family soon.

So sorry for your loss, and that this anger is so hard to get past. You will though in time.

Can I add that when my FIL died my MIL expected me to organise his funeral "as I'd done it before" sadly I'd done it just 3 weeks before when my mother died and it was the last thing I needed.I didn't visit her much in the weeks after as I had my own grief to deal with and I know she wasn't pleased that I stayed away .
There are times when we need to put ourselves first and if your DIL have issues with death its best for you all if they deal with their issues before trying to be a support for you ...of course they also have your sons grief to deal with and any GC .
My late mother used to say that grief makes us all selfish ,she was angry with my dad when he died even complaining he died before their organised 50th wedding celebrations....as if he did it on purpose .Give it time and life will go back to some semblance of normality I'm sure .
Meantime you should keep in touch with your sons and arrange to see them and the GC when its possible.Unlike another poster I dont think moving so soon is a great idea ,you'll have friends and aquaintances where you are so stay put for now at least .

Even if you have little or no experience of DiY, I understand that Men in Sheds is therapeutic for men in your position. If there is a branch in your area you may well be able to meet others who have become newly single and make new friends.

A very sad situation for you.
Why not think about making a move to somewhere new?
Is there anywhere that you have always wanted to live?
I think you have to make a life for yourself now, your wife would want you to be happy.
A new start, join a couple of clubs and see what happens.
You don’t say how old you are, so if you don’t feel up to something like a change of scenery, try and join things and make new friends, U3A, etc.
Families can be disappointing at times.

Hi Peewww,

I don't normally contribute on Gn , but this just melted me. You've had wise excellent advise from solid gransnetters. You can't change how others act/behave, only yourself. I've learnt not to expect anything from anyone. When kindness comes my way I see it as a blessing. It's not healthy to have such anger. Was it Nelson Mandela who said "holding onto bitterness is like drinking a glass of poison and waiting for the other person to die"? or words to that effect. The only one suffering is you.

Maybe you need to change the dynamics here. Maybe your sons are just just thoughtless/selfish individuals. Only you'll know.

What about getting a rescue dog? I know 2 people who did this after their loved one died. It transformed them in their grief.

Onwards and upwards.

So sorry for your loss.
Anger is one stage of grieving and it will get easier. Your sons are being thoughtless but they are grieving in their own way. If you can, try to put your family's behaviour to the back of your mind and try to find other people who will listen to you and empathise. Where I live there are different organisations for bereavement counselling and I go to a group, once a month, for ex-carers which is very helpful.
If you find one service doesn't help try somewhere else.
It is up to you, I'm afraid, to find a new life for yourself. It won't be easy and it will take time but I'll say 3 things

1 Look after yourself, keep as healthy as you can.

2 Accept any help you are offered, don't try to do it all by yourself.

3 Let go of any past resentment. It only holds you back.

I wish you well

Oh peewww I m so sorry to hear this, it is so difficult losing a close family member particularly someone that had taken all your time up to look after, you are suddenly left with this big vacuum and nothing but you and your grief in it, it is lonely, sad and difficult and I do think it’s often worse for men as they are not the best at opening up about emotions
Reading between the lines it sounds as you ve not had the easiest of life starts and it doesn’t sound as if your sons are that close to you as you say you never heard much from them before but you and your wife put that down to them being busy
I would take the daughter in laws out the equation they are what they are, but the sons should be MUCH more supportive but you can’t make people be kind and caring perhaps they just don’t know how to handle your grief and their own (although it’s a bit ripe one being a psychotherapist)
I am glad your nieces stepped up to help and hope they are still in contact with you
Please accept help from anyone you can and as much as you can See if there’s a ‘ men’s shed’ in your area it’s a good way of making friends a few men gathering to chat, garden, play cards or just have a coffee etc
In the meantime do come on here I m sure you will find a lot of kind people to help you through this difficult time

I am sorry for your loss, it must be still very raw.
I do not think it is a good idea to tell a relative that they have hurt you whilst you are grieving, you will increase the hurt and will probably alienate your sons further.

My sympathies - it is hard to lose a partner and not have the support of family. Remember there are those of us on GN who have been through the loss and, although it is different for everyone, we do understand and are here with virtual support.

I am so sorry, you are not depressed and miserable you are grieving , don’t stifle your grief , at least you contacted CRUISE, it will take time but you will move forward .

We all deal with grief in our own way , we have to. Try to let the anger go, it is exhausting X

I am sorry you are feeling sad and alone Peewww.

The lack of care and visits from your sons is an issue, but so is this bit.

I am trying to build a life bit by bit but don't see much point. I am too busy being angry, a trait I picked up in childhood with dysfunctional parents

You also said you have given up expecting anything

You are at a stage of mourning still, even though you mourned the loss of your wife while she was very ill and you cared for her. Just the caring probably gave you a role and a routine.

You have lost her and the structure of your days, and you are sad and angry too. Your boys are being thoughtless imo, but they cannot fix you by visiting more. It would be ideal if they came and listened, helped you find coping strategies maybe, or counselling perhaps and ways forward. You didn't have much of their company before, so as you say, nothing has changed.

I think you will know when the time is right to help yourself. It looks like only you can grab the bull by the horns unfortunately. Perhaps go to your GP? He or she may be able to help - with medication, if you need it - or by putting you in touch with appropriate counselling for grief and anger issues.

I wish you well, and hope you can move forward in time.

I think your DIL's have their own issues to deal with so you cant expect them to step up and "support " you.If being around you is detrimental to their own well being then they need to stay away.
Your sons are a different story they should be around ,even just to chat about happier times.Maybe if you tell them you just want to talk about their mum to people.who knew her,then they would understand .Perhaps full on grief is hard for them to cope with and they are still dealing with their loss so being around you if you're depressed and miserable is something they cant handle

.If you can make their visits less about your grief and more about moving forward without your wife /their mum and meet somewhere away from the family home that might be the answer.Not everyone grieves the same ,so you should perhaps contact Cruse and get a councellor to talk to.I wish you well with this awful part of your life and hope you get the help you need .