Pressure to be there...

Please accept my sincere condolences and please be kind to yourself

I agree with Anniebach:

"Beating yourself up, guilt even when there shouldn’t be does creep in when suffering a bereavement, I am sorry you are suffering the loss of your mother.

Hugs x"

I lost my dad 30 years ago had 100miles dash with my mum and sister to the hospital only to get there and be told a failed by pass operation what a journey back/1 year later umj had2 strokes whci she got through and the some time later had to go 150 miles to have a by pass and several weeks recovering.throughout the next 15 year in and out of hospital. Finally rush to hospital got phone call about 20 miles s away on arrival told she had gone, devastating.that was 10 years ago still fell the loss today
everyone deal with this in their own way time is a healer .

You have nothing to beat yourself up, your mother is now at peace, I missed my dad passing in almost the same circumstances, I'm convinced they know how much they are loved even when they don't recognise us anymore

Take care Mamissimo. I am sorry for your loss, but please try not to feel guilty. You have been a very caring daughter and I am sure that the people at the home will not have been judging you. ?

Deepest condolences on the loss of your Mum. Please stop feeling guilty - you did so much for her that no-one has the right to judge you for anything you do to take care of YOU - and I am sure no-one ever would, having witnessed the loving care you gave her while she was still with you

Please accept my deepest sympathy. I know the Mum that you once had ‘died’ several years ago but today, you know she has truly gone. It’s sounds as if you have been a dutiful and loving daughter. You have absolutely no need to feel judged, you loved and cared for your Mum, your family and yourself, not an easy feat. Take time, mourn the Mum you love and who loved you and hopefully, given time, you will be able to put the past 11 years into a box and remember the good times before the dreadful disease of Alzheimer’s entered your lives.

There is a theory that people will die when the relative is out of the way.
Some say that no matter what the state of mind of the dying person there is something that lets them wait until the close relative is not in the room.

As for the home judging you, I doubt that they are.
Perhaps you are finding a focus by thinking you are being judged to get you through these early hours of loss?
When recently bereaved sometimes we distract ourselves to soften the blow.

Mamissimo don't feel conflicted or judged. You were a good and caring daughter over a long period of time, please give yourself credit for that care. What other people think is neither here nor there, you know the truth. Let the knowledge that you did your very best help you with your grief and sadness.

For reasons I cannot begin to fathom it seems to be not uncommon for people to 'go gently into the night' just as their loved ones take a break, sometimes just to go to the loo have lunch or even a much needed holiday. It is almost as though people somehow choose to do this as it is so frequently observed. It is one of the great unanswerable questions of life.
Take care of yourself. ?

So sorry for your loss Mamissimo - the posts above show just how often this happens and you really shouldn't feel guilty about not being there. You have obviously spent many years looking out for her and spending time with her - it was her time to just slip away quietly and the home will not be judging you.

We had said goodbye to my dad in care at the end - I'd told him quietly that it was ok for him to let go and went home - we got a call half an hour later to say he'd gone. With my mum it seemed worse as like yours she'd lost all ability to communicate, move, talk or hear for the last year of her life. I spent the last afternoon sitting with her for quite a long time and then went away for the weekend - she passed away on the Sunday morning while I was gone. I felt guilty to start with but then realised she would have been the last person to have told me not to go and enjoy myself had she been herself.

Take care of yourself

I spent many years as night sister in a nursing home. I never judged anyone for not being there at the end of their loved ones life. I always tried to have a member of staff in attendance although sometimes it wasn't possible.
When both my parents died, it was the middle of the night, my Mother in hospital but unexpected, my Dad in a care home, neither my sisters or I were there. We don't feel any guilt, and you shouldn't either.

Sorry that you’ve lost your mother Mamissimo. Please don’t beat yourself up about not being there for the final minutes.
There’s too much pressure on relatives being expected to be there at the end. Even if you’re there in the hospital or home you might miss the last few minutes for any number of reasons.
Your mother knew deep down that she was loved, that’s the important thing.

A horrid time for you but sure no one could have done more and there is no need to beat yourself up.

Mamissimo I sat with my Mum for over 16 hours, went home to change and get a couple of hours sleep. I got the phone call when I was home. I know exactly how you feel.

Please do not feel guilty or worry about what the staff in the care home might or might not think, now is the time to take care of yourself.

Sending you love, hugs and prayers ???

I doubt if the Home is judging you but if they are they are in the wrong not you so ignore it.
They will have people there who get no visitors, infrequent visitors, rare visitors and visitors who are a nuisance. If they judge you for taking a holiday and not being able to get back in time then shame on them.
You are not superhuman and realistically there is not much difference to visiting her just before she went and visiting her the week before unless you were able to be there all day every day which no one could.
I can do no more than ring my mother given that she is abroad and I am not sure nowadays that she follows the thread of a conversation (although she is doing well for 93). We can all only do what we can.

I think its natural, and a part of grieving to wonder if you could have done things differently, but I'm absolutely sure the care home staff know that you were devoted to your mum.
Condolences to you: I can still remember the terrible sadness when my mum died, and more than that, I can remember how kind the gransnetters were.

My dad is in end of life care at the home he is in. I have told them I do not need to be there at the end so not to ring me in the middle of the night. I asked if they felt this was awful of me and the manager replied she was exactly the same with her dad. It isn't that I don't care it is just that I go every day and sit with him for a time but I find even that so distressing I cannot stay for too long. We are all different about how we approach these things and we should all be respected for the way in which we deal with it. There is no right way!

Very sorry about your Mum Mamissimo and I exactly understand. I always felt judged by Mum’s care home, even wondered why they gave us an hour’s notice at the end. I live an hour and a half away and she had been deteriorating for two or three days. We are now four months on and I am more able to remember the good times and not that poor old soul who would have hated to see herself in that position.
Be kind to yourself - you did what you could.

I'm sure the home won't judge you - they will have seen your dedication to your mum for all the time she spent in the home.

Be gentle with yourself.

Exactly Mamissimo your second post says it all. Sorry for your loss and hope you managed to sleep after all,?

You're worried that you'll be found wanting by the home ? Forget it ! They have other things to do than sit around judging relatives. Honestly, when someone dies in an aged care home, the staff pack up the belongings, do the paperwork, and move on to caring for the other people in the home. Whether you were there or not wouldn't enter their heads.

After a long time with dementia your Mum is at peace - condolences to you and your family .

Ladies thank you! If Mum had read my twaddle she would have given me one of her obelisk stares and told me to stop being dramatic. It’s been such a long slog of looking after three aged parents that I lack a bit of sensible perspective. Hopefully I will sleep tonight and be a human in the morning.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother mamissimo. Please don’t blame yourself in any way. You made the choice to be safe and to keep other road users safe, no one can criticise you for that and please don’t criticise yourself. .

I understand how you feel Mamissimo
I was only a few minutes away when my father died.
Even though I know no one blames me,
it still plays on my mind.

My condolences to you and your family x

Mamissimo, my sympathy at the loss of your mother. But would it have helped if rushing back from Wales, tired and frazzled, whoever was driving made a miscaculation and was the cause of an accident and injury or death to you and your spouse or others. Of course it wouldn't.

You did the right thing. If others, who you will probably never see again, make misinformed judgments, so what? In a care home, deaths are not infrequent and within a year the circumstances of your DM's death and your arrival will, I am sad to say, be completely forgotten.

So do not make a rod for your own back, remember your mother as she was when you were a child and later until the loss of personality. So many years were good and happy, the lost years were very few.