Pressure to be there...

I was in a similar situation with my Mum. I said goodbye to her in my heart long before she actually died; and I did not go down at the point where she died, I just went down for the funeral planning and the funeral itself.

I think you need to not worry about what others think. No-one has the right to judge you in this situation; and it is likely that they are not doing so - residential and nursing home staff will be used to this situation which will have happened many times before.

You were there for your mother when she was able to respond to you, whether she knew you or not.

Sending condolences to you all. Please mourn her in your own way and do not trouble yourself with ideas of people judging you.

I agree with Anniebach You are beating yourself up for no reason Mamissimo . I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. You clearly did your very best for her for many years despite her no longer knowing you, which must be heartbreaking.

I looked after my grandma for years. She caught a nasty infection aged 99 and was taken into hospital. I sat by her bed night and day as we knew she didn’t have long. I went home very briefly and received an urgent call to rush back. The hospital is only about 15 minutes away by car and by the time I got there she was gone.

Very similar with my mum too. She came out of hospital after many years of kidney dialysis in order to die at home. My dad, sister and I took turns sitting with her day and night for 7 days then one night when my sister and I had dashed home to have a shower, my dad was dozing in the chair and she quietly slipped away.

Many people have told me that dying is a private thing and that loved ones often wait until there is no one around then quietly slip away.

I can assure you Mamissimo that if the home is judging you (which I think is highly unlikely) then the problem is with them and not with you. My condolences on your loss.

You re beating yourself up Mamis my mum had. Alzheimer’s for about 9 years 7 in residential I used to visit after work nearly every day she didn’t know me she couldn’t walk talk see or hear she was doubly incontinent It’s a dreadful dreadful thing
You couldn’t get there any quicker, you have visited her and been with her through thick and thin you have done all you could we always find something to beat ourself up about it’s human nature I suppose, my mum died six years ago but I still think could I have done this better or that better
Please don’t worry you have done nothing wrong even if you had left straight away you may not have made it You did your best we can only do what we can do
Your mum is at peace I hope you can be too

You have done all that you could to support your mother. Hold your head up high. Those who cared for her would know what you did so please don't be hard on yourself.
My condolences to you and your family. ?

mamissimo you’ve lost your mum twice over - once when the Alizheimer’a took hold, and again today.
Don’t be hard on yourself.

Beating yourself up, guilt even when there shouldn’t be does creep in when suffering a bereavement, I am sorry you are suffering the loss of your mother.

Hugs x