Pressure to be there...

Sorry for your loss Mamissimo but be proud of how you behaved.
With reference to the missing jewellery I would report it to the Police.
Perhaps it is a one off incident, you will not know, but if others before and after you report similar occurrences the Police will know there is a problem.

Be gentle with yourself.

I saw my doctor the other day and as I said before my dad is in end of life care. She told me that when he goes initially I will feel relief but then guilt because I wanted it to be over.
These are all natural feelings.
Be kind to yourself - you did all you could.

Please don't beat yourself up. My mum died suddenly and shortly after my lovely dad was taken into hospital. He had a stroke and looked like being there a while. I visited every day. But my husband was in the forces and we were in the throes of moving to another part of the country. We had offer of a quarter which we had been waiting for but had to accept it promptly or lose it. So we made decision to travel there, stay overnight and return next day. I was then going to stay while my dad recovered. But he died the one night we were away. So difficult not to feel guilty. But give it time and you will realise there is nothing to feel guilty about. We can't foresee these things. And the fact that you are feeling like this actually shows how much your mum was loved. x

My heart bleeds for you; my mum was a two-hour each way drive away and my DDs had EPA - they were poisonous and did everything they could to block us seeing her - her solicitor wrote to tell us about her funeral, which we attended, to be totally ignored by DD and that was the only time I ever saw my young GS, so we eventually gave up the struggle. Being honest, her passing was a merciful release, but in answer to your question, she didn't know you, was no longer herself and you must not blame yourself. Remember your real mum with love and happiness.

You did what you could when your Mum was alive even though not appearing to recognise your all those years. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. My mum had been in hospital for a few weeks with a heart problem. I received a call from a family member telling me I had to get to hospital as Mum had deteriorated. Husband was at work, (worked shifts and this was evening) so I had to organise a babysitter for children. I got to hospital and Mum was gone. I felt awful as brothers and sister were there but not me. I was mid 30s, siblings a lot older. Time made me realise that I could not have done anything differently and by what you have written you couldn't either. Condolences on your loss.

I'm sure the Home is not judging you, please do not be hard on yourself for not being there at the end. My DH was admitted to a Nursing Home from the Hospital with terminal cancer. Sister at the Home talked to me when he had been admitted. Her words of advice were "don't feel you have to come in every day, we won't think badly of you". She also gave me the door code so I could just go in when I wanted to. I went to see him if I was going past/shopping, usually not staying for long periods as he didn't want to talk & had lost interest in everything.

I had a phone call one morning after he had been there for about 6 weeks to let me know the Doctor was going to see DH, I lived 5 mins from the Home. Before I left home the Nurse rang me again to say "I'm sorry but DH had just died".

You did your best for your DM Massimo, remember the good times

Mamissimo, So sorry for your great loss. She (and you) will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Your goodbyes to your DM were uttered many times over with love, dedication, your presence, your kind words, loving gestures and caring. Those who know you, have been seeing it first hand for years. They understand full well that when the moment came, you wouldn't have had it any other way but to be there with her, but it was taken out of your hands.

Not everyone gets a chance to be at the exact moment when a loved one passes. Even people who are blessed with loving family's are not always surrounded in the end. Alas, someone's flight is delayed, there's a traffic jam on the highway, someone falls asleep or takes a bathroom break.... a loved one ends up dying alone anyway. It happens more than you think.

So please don't beat yourself up over this. No one can 'judge' you. Think about what your DM would have wanted when she was still alive and well. She would have been saddened to know of your despair. So, please forgive yourself for once and for all, even though there's nothing to forgive. I'm sure she would tell you the same thing, if she could.

You should not reproach yourself. You did the right thing by your mother for a long time before this holiday and that is what counts. If your mother had been in a position to give an opinion, she may well have told you not to dash back so soon after arrival in Wales.

I doubt that the staff in the home are judging you. You don't have to see them again after you've cleared out your mother's room so I shouldn't worry about it.

Don't beat yourself up I saw many deaths and a lot of these the person died just after rels had gone it was if they had waited for them to go to make their passing easier on their family . Sorry for your loss ?

Condolences to you and your family.

As others have said "IF" the Home is judging you it's there issue not yours.

Feeling guilty is part of loss and grieving. Taking care of yourself by resting so that you could travel safely is nothing to beat yourself up about.

Please give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself.

It's not unknown for loved ones to wait until their nearest and dearest have left so they can die without distressing them.

Many people at end of life will allow a carer to be there rather than family. And sometimes, somehow even those of our loved ones who are most loss to us have a way of knowing, can't really explain it other than "knowing".

Take comfort where you can and remind yourself often that you showed your Mum care and love throughout all those years when she needed it most.

Thank you all so much for your supportive and sensible comments. I’m stronger today because of them. I wasn’t prepared for the wobble yesterday because as a family we have all wanted her to fly free for a long, long time. I’m a really strong and forthright person and thought I had everything sorted and under control. Darned emotions grabbed me from behind. When I’ve finished my gin I will start a new thread about care homes that ‘loose’ your mothers wedding and engagement rings, gold watch.....?

Is the home judging you really or is it your own sense of (totally unnecessary) guilt? If they are judging you they have no justification! You have been a caring loving and loyal daughter Massimo and you have done everything you can for your mum in a painful and difficult situation. Allow yourself to grieve and try to remember the happier times before your mum's illness

Good lord, think of all the people who never get visitors! You had 11 years of this and just cos you weren't there at the end is no reason to feel guilty. I have read that sometimes people wait till they are alone (or at least no relatives) to 'go' as if they feel the time is right.

My grandmother and mother both died in our absence and both times I remember the nursing staff telling us they were being washed at the time, but somehow I have my doubts. They say that for comfort. No harm done if it's true.

I'm sorry that you feel the home judges you and sorry to hear about your mum, however, your mum woudn't have known you were there anyway, so you have to be pragmatic and ignore any comments or 'atmosphere'.
It's all water under the bridge and you will have enough on your plate dealing with all the legalities of her passing.
Stay strong

You are bereaved - be gentle with yourself. You did all you could for her , and ask yourself how your Mother would want you to feel now. I'm sure she would not want you to be in this frame of mind when you have been a good and loving daughter.

I hope the comments here will make you feel less conflicted and that you now feel that you don't have anything to blame yourself for.
For once they seem pretty unanimous which may be a first!

So sorry for your loss Mamissimo, but don’t be hard on yourself, you did your best for your Mum.

I am so sorry for your loss and I am sure the home do not think badly of you. I had a similar thing when my mum died, I hadn't been away from home and her for weeks, went away for a short break having put care in hand and she died four day later, other people said to me it wasn't unusual.

My sincerest condolences. Please, don't feel guilty. As your mother hadn't recognised you for five years due to Alzheimer's there is no way she would have known you had you been with her when she died.

My mother died 15 minutes before I got to the hospital and as she had been in a coma for weeks, I consoled myself with the fact that she would not have know whether we were there or not.

My father was in command of all his faculties, but died five minutes before we arrived at the nursing home, he had understood we were coming, so I felt he had chosen to slip away before we got there to save us a distressing scene. Nonsense? Perhaps, but quite probable knowing my father who detested "fuss and bother".

Take time to grieve, we all have only one mother to loose, even although some, like you, loose her twice, due to her not having been able to recognise you for so long.

Now she is free of all her trials, so I hope you can feel glad of that. Allow yourself to be glad that you no longer need worry about her. I am sure the mother you knew before her illness would not want you to feel guilty, and you certainly have no need to.

Dont beat yourself up about it ...does no one any good. You were there for her when she was alive and you can take comfort from that fact. Some families put a great emphasis on everyone being there at the end ...some not so. My husband's late mother died and my husband was called (we lived in Spain at the time) he had just had a replacement knee and could not travel. We had been to see his mother a few weeks before his op ...but even though the family knew this, they called him all sorts and cut him off totally. No one has spoken to him since ...that was some 15 years ago ! I could not get to the hospital on time when mylovely dad died ....was called in the middle of the night on New Years day .....no car, no trains running (lived 200 miles away) Got there as soon as I was able to the next day. Would have liked to be there but as the doctors at the hospital said he would not have known if you were there or not .......I feel the same for when I go !! Try not to dwell on it, but instead remember the happy times ...I am sure he would understand

So sorry to hear of your mother's trials and tribulations. She didn't know what was going on, and you couldn't do anything for her at her end.
This feeling is just a part of the shock and grief you feel. Forgive my bluntness, but now is the time to think about the future, and get on with rest of your life.

Agree with Apricity: people often just slip away when you're not in the room. Even if you'd got back from Wales, there's no guarantee that you would have been with her in the moment. You've been a good daughter. Let her go.

Your mother knows you tried...take no notice of what anyone else says. Her soul flies free x Hugs for you x

condolences,Mamissimo,and don't worry,you did your best.In my case,it was my husband who was in the care home,he died of cancer 8 weeks ago.I was with him at the end,but I only just got there in time,it was my Granddaughter's 1st Communion that day and I wanted to see her.
I was judged for "putting my husband in a care home",but you have to be in that situation to understand,and it's not the easy life that people think.I visited often and also tried to make a life for myself,you have to do ,you can't spend your life never going anywhere in case you're needed.