The loneliness on losing a partner

I lost my dear husband 6 months ago. We were together for nearly 50 years and I am lost. My only consolation is that he went first, because I think he would not have coped had it been the other way around, as he had suffered a stroke and had cancer and would have found life on his own difficult. At least I still have my health (touch wood), and am quite active and can manage the house and garden, barring emergencies and my neighbours are brilliant. The loneliness is indescribable, no-one to sit in companiable silence with; as someone else said, I miss the holding hands, the kiss goodnight and the cuddles, the impromptu lunches and drinks out. I am lucky in that I have family nearby, but they have their own lives to lead. I try to get out and about and have joined a couple of activities/clubs, and I go to the cinema a lot. But once I get home, it is so lonely. I have my lovely cats, have to get up every day for them, and am lucky that they are affectionate and will sit on my lap. But there is no other option than to cope. I sink or swim, that's it.

June
What a truly beautiful poem?

Sitting here with tears in my eyes. Have been married for just over 50 years and reading all your messages has really made me weep. DH and I have just had a bit it of a spat over nothing really and its made me think what it would be like if he wasn't here. I think you get so used to having someone there you need a reminder of what it could be like without them. Am going out now to make him and cup of tea and give him a hug and tell him how lucky I am to have him. My love and hugs to all you brave ladies.

June - I was shocked to read about your husband's experience with steroids. How appalling! Was this NHS or private medicine? Anger is a classical reaction to bereavement, and I certainly felt it and still do, but you have so much to be genuinely angry about.
Enjoy your painting - it's so therapeutic. As for loneliness, I'm five years into bereavement, and in spite of good things happening, it's never gone away. And I do hate people who say "You had such a good marriage, aren't you lucky?" because I've lost the best friend who loved and cared for me more than anyone. I hate weekends, holidays and most of all, Christmas.

So many sad stories that made me weep. I lost my husband just over a year ago, and all my children live in different countries. Maw expresses absolutely how one feels. But surely with so many people feeling lonely it should be possible for them to get together. I have so many widowed friends who have been so kind to me, so I try to be positive and look forward - quite difficult when you don't know how much forward you have! U3A with its various groups has been a wonderful help, and our local Hospice runs a bereavement group where there is advice and help. Quite a lot of the people have mobility problems and they all help each other. It takes courage to get out there, but don't be despondent.

June S,
I can truly empathise, as I lost my husband 18 months ago, after 54 years together, under very similar circumstances to yours, (steroid side effects), it was pitiful to watch his deterioration, going from a comical, full of life ex sportsman, to a bloated, helpless man, in constant pain, so in that respect I couldn't wish him back to suffer anymore! Having said that MawB's last paragraph, regarding 'inner loneliness', 'silence' and 'having no one to do nothing with' indeed said it all! I must admit I do feel cheated, as we were so looking forward to our retirement, but I suppose all we can do is carry on, if not for our sakes, then for our children and grandchildren, but it is so hard, and it does make you realise that we should appreciate what you have, while you have it. Sending you my good wishes. x

Leem711 I am so sorry to hear that your husband died so so recently , what a shock that call must have been , We were all with Jim when he slipped away , I see his face every night and wish it was his alive smiling face I could see and remember , I hope you ae ok xxxx

Having lost my DH nearly 9 months ago I can empathise with so much that others have expressed. I am nearly back to work full time and surrounded by people during the day. The emptiness is still there coming home and knowing he’s not here. Maw Expressed my feelings better than I could have done myself and knowing I will have to carry on without him is so hard. I still forget and say ‘we’ and ‘our’ house etc, I don’t know what people think. What does help is having our wee dog and knowing he will be waiting for me, for food and walks and company.

I have been widowed for over 5 years, my Marriage was shorter than many of others on GN. I was 36 when I married DH (3rd Marriage), we were together for 23 years & married for almost 21 years. As DD said to me at his Funeral "Mum you've lost the love of your life", she was right & yes I've felt the inner loneliness, there are times I wish I could share things especially DGS2 who is only 15 months old, DH would have loved him as he did DGS1.

I always feel I "lost" my DH when he went into Hospital then Nursing Home, I had almost 5 months on my own before he died, he never came home so I had become used to being on my own. I moved 3 years ago, new area, new friends & neighbours & new places to explore plus added bonus of DD & DGSs only 25 mins away.

It's not easy & nothing ever replaces those arms that give you a hug, shared memories & companionship but we have to find a way to cope. GN is a lifeline for many

My husband died 10 years ago at the age of 60. Since then I have lived alone but have a married son with 2 gorgeous daughters seven miles away. I see them every two to three weeks, have good friends nearby and I keep fairly busy. But there are hours and hours when I am alone, and with ill health looming I get very low. Having seen the loneliness and health/carer problems two aged parents had to endure I am not looking forward to old age on my own at all.

I don’t know what the answer is. It’s mad that with increasing population loneliness is such a problem.

Saggi Oh Saggi! I am so very sorry for you! I was in a very unhappy marriage. I was treated so cruelly by a much older man. Yet he was very clever at hiding his true nature from the outside world. Like you, I was never so lonely as when I was trapped in that terrible, frightening marriage, treading on eggshells, scared about what would happen next.
I send you lots of love and urge that you really look after yourself.

JuneS Dear June, I am so very sorry to hear that you are feeling the emptiness of being alone. I am sorry to hear your husband has died. You speak so wisely about the lives of our children. they are very busy. I know this.
I am lucky because I have small dogs to look after. They are rescued and they love me. It may not seem like a good idea to you, but I will mention it anyway; It is possible to adopt an older cat or dog, usually one that had an owner who has passed on. The Dogs' Trust may help. you might be thinking, what if I die? Then you leave instructions for the cat/dog to be collected safely. There is an animal rescue organisation that helps with this specifically. The charity may even be willing to help with vet's bills since you are looking after an older animal for them and they would have to pay all its keep if you were not able to give it a home. It is so much easier to return to the house when there is a living being there waiting to greet you.
God bless you June, I do hope you feel some comfort soon.

My sympathies to you, June. My husband of more than 40 years was in hospital recently when I suddenly got a phone call. The ward sister notified me that he had died in his sleep and that his body had been moved to the mortuary but that “I could visit him there if I wished”. After so many happy years together and raising 2 lovely sons I had no desire to see him dead! Miss him terribly and I always will. As do sons and 5 year old granddaughter, who sings Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to him at bedtime every night!

Mawbroon - that is how I felt when I lost my DH 20 years ago - I was 42 and he was 46 and I wasn't ready to be on my own. My two children were 18 and 21 years old and had their own lives already. A year after DH died I moved 350 miles away as my DD got a job in Dover and said she thought it best if I went with her rather than stay on my own. A year later I was back in full time work and then my DD married and the GC started to arrive. Although I was very busy between work and babysitting (both DD and (now ex) son in law worked shifts) I was still so lonely, I missed the things shared as a couple such as holding hands, making each other cups of tea, help with the dishes, the DIY, social events etc. I made some good friends at work but they were mainly people with partners already, at my age then there were very few singletons around. I still miss my DH very much even though life has changed, we have had another move (back closer to home), my DD is now a single parent and two of my GC are now in Senior School, I have retired but have the day to day care of my DD and GC and the house to run as DD works long hours so my GC can have the things that they want. I am also now a Trustee for a local charity and have made some lovely friends through that but I still miss the same things I did 20 years ago. I think, in the end, that unless you are lucky enough to find love again with a new partner, it is just something you have to live with.

About 3yrs ago I wrote the following poem for a new neighbour of mine. I live in a park home and this lady and her husband had just bought a lovely home to retire and enjoy the rest of their lives in. He died a week before the move and she was telling me how sad she was that he never lived there and that all their plans were no longer going to happen.
I had never written a poem before but had an overwhelming urge to write this for her. She now has it framed and my husband loved it so much that it was read out at his funeral. I do hope that others who are still grieving will take something from it. ( Click on the poem to enlarge.)
I hope the inner loneliness will one day become inner peace. xx

I’m so sorry for your loss June, I feel for you. I too have tears in my eyes Juliet, reading all these posts from ladies who have lost their beloved partners. It has also brought home to me that I should appreciate my husband even more that I do already.

I have a 90 year old mother. She is a true northern gal, born in Derbyshire and living much of her life in neighbouring Cheshire. Sadly two and a half years ago we lost my beloved Dad. Eighteen months later we lost my auntie, my Mum’s beloved sister, who lived a few houses from her and who she visited every day. My sister lives twenty miles away, doesn’t drive, and is ill and unable to offer any support whatsoever. So, my Mum came to live in a retirement flat only ten minutes walk from us. We did all the work, organisation, speaking to solicitors, etc etc and eventually she came down here, we live on the south coast. She was so very lonely after Dad and auntie died, I used to phone every day, but it’s not the same. Well, she’s taken to her new life like a duck to water, loves her flat, enjoys the social life offered in the retirement complex, goes out to visit her grandchildren and great grandchildren whenever she can, in short, she’s enjoying her new life.

I tell this story only to exemplify that life in a retirement flat can be a very good experience. If in the future I’m left alone, I really will consider it.

Now my Mum is so near, we can help her, and sort things out for her. I felt guilty for taking her out of the north, but I know now she made the right choice.

I too am sitting here reading these posts with tears in my eyes. Like Juliet27, my DH is still with me. I dread the day when I might be alone like so many on here. How brave and strong you all are. I hope I can cope as well as you when the time comes. Meantime, I shall vow to appreciate the time we have left together, however long or short that may be.

and greatest admiration to you all.

Sorry to hear of your loss JuneS Although I can't know what your going through as my H still alive, I do sympathise., just wanted to send a hug.

It is so humbling to read the stories of how people feel and are coping after losing someone so special. I still have DH but live with knowing his health can deteriorate any day due to the dreaded big "C" being in our lives for 10 years now. I hope I have the same courage as GNs have shown here should he deteriorate. Big warm hugs to those going through such a devasting time.

He was the only person who knew exactly where I was coming from, with whom I could be entirely honest about friends and family, who understood me.
Maw - As another widow, I find this is totally true.
My sympathies to all the other widows here.

I’m sorry you are feeling so lonely...I’m not in your situation but do go to exercise classes at a local macarthy and stone residency... the majority of people in the class are residents..with a few visitors
Almost all the residents are widows /widowers who all have their own flat and shared space
Whilst I don’t want to join them atm I can see the attraction should my circumstances change
If you can afford this option why not check them out ... the people have been so nice friendly but not overwhelming
You join what you want or not

June I am so sorry to read your posts. Loneliness is a terrible thing and we never think that it is going to happen to us. I have two sons, married with children, although one has separated from his wife recently and as a result, I can no longer see my grandchildren. I rarely see my sons. I work full-time thank goodness, as this fills a lot of my time. I am 60, I live alone, have issues with my back, which means that I cannot do things as I used to, such as long car journeys to visit. After being married for many years and bringing up a family, then divorcing, I just feel that I have been abandoned at a time when I need some support. My Best Wishes to you.

I echo your feelings*Juliet27*. So sad and I want to hug you all.

JuneS. You me and many more .The world we live in now is so unlike the world our mothers and grandmothers lived in when they were 81 and most likely had families and friends living near to support them in their grief. I too have family the other side of the world and when we , late DH and self ,moved on our retirement to a coastal area it was 300 hundred miles from our friends. They have visited from time to time but these visits are getting less which is to be expected as we left them not the other way round and they need their families too. I am not one to join a choir etc etc but love a chat ,discussions with endless cups of coffee on hand. I seem to fill my days goodness knows with what and time does not drag and can get out but its the shorter days that are imminent I am not looking forward to.

There's lots of support here. I lost my DH coming up to eight years ago this Christmas. It's having a 'presence' that I miss - someone who's there, someone to do nothing with. I have no children (through choice) and can spend a weekend alone, only having a conversation with a shop assistant some days. I don't crave company and am reasonably happy under the circumstances. Luckily I've siblings nearby but fear the future if I'm less mobile. You're not alone.