The loneliness on losing a partner

I am lonely but not because I am on my own but because I miss my husband. When he was diagnosed with cancer 2001 we knew he won't life 5yrs. We had the terminal notice in October 2003 and given 4 months to 2 years. He died in February 2004 4 days after he was 47 . He wanted to get to his birthday. I was 45 and our children 20 and 16. Last year was the first year I didn't crumble into a sodden mess on the anniversary of his death. I miss him more everyday but I am lucky I have good family and friends. What gives me comfort is he lives on in the children and my 3 grandsons. They all carry part of his DNA. Next month it's 16 years since he died would have been his 63rd birthday and the day after his birth date would have been the anniversary of our first date 45 years ago. We started going out the day after his 18th I was 16 2 months from being 17. I made him a lot of promises and am proud to say have kept them . Since August I now live closer to the children. After he died I helped my mom look after my dad. He died 3 years later my mother in law 3 years after that. From when my dad died I looked after my mom for 10 years. Always looked after her finances and she lived with me the last 18 months of her life.

I have never wanted another man. My husband was my one and only. I miss everything about our life together. Cuddles, sex even arguments. When he died my present and future died. Had to make a new present and future. It's hard and doesn't get any easier but you learn to cope. I am a great believer in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You can't curl up on die. Life is for living.
Always thought I would die first as I,'ve been ill since I was 29. My children and rest of family tell me how proud they are of me as they didn't think I would cope. And that my husband would be very proud of me. We were together for 29 years and married nearly 23. We were lucky we found eachother when we were young.
Grief in my experience lasts a life time but you learn to cope and thrive. Hang it there we all have wobbles but life is wonderful and there are some wonderful people in this world. Like I said I am lucky and there are always people worse off that yourself. I am not religious by the the only phrase I can think of I count my blessings.

Craftyone, I recognise everything that you have said.
I'm really trying to move forward, but the loneliness is awful.

Calli2 didn't want to read and run. I know what you mean. My husband died a year ago. I 'm doing as OK as one can hope to do but I think that it is only after some time has elapsed that the concept of "forever" really impacts you. Maybe that's what people who say the second year can be harder mean.

I guess the trick, for want of a better word, is to learn to live with sadness as the new normal. I do have plenty of friends but the inner loneliness is still there. It's OK to cry and to feel alone. I find it is like taking a cork out of a bottle and letting the fizz that has built up escape. Then you can shake yourself down and carry on until the next time.

I lost my husband in March. He had been ill for some years and could not walk anymore. He had heart problems, diabetes and in the end could not even sit up by himself. It was so sad to lose him but better for him but hard for those left behind. I am doing worse now than when it first happened. I start to cry often and feel so alone. I seem to have no close friends but many acquaintances. I've lost three close friends in the past two years and another has heart problems and can't drive anymore so I take her to doctor visits. I am 78 now and still can get around but where do I go by myself. I have gone to restaurants alone but it just isn't the same. I think all the sadness has caught up with me.

We went to check out an 'independent living' place for my mother. Everyone had their own, very nice, flat (with emergency call bells) and there was a communal lounge and restaurant. The gardens were beautiful too.

They organised entertainment and days out. Some people had carers and cleaners as well. There were spare flats for guests. It was expensive (of course) but fairly near two of her children - rather than a two hour drive away.

My mother admired the place, liked the choice of being social or alone, but felt that it was 'far too soon' to make the move - at 87 years old. When she was 89, she had a stroke and was left wheelchair -bound. At that stage, too late, she didn't meet their entry criteria!

I found a cafe once that had a chat table for anyone to join but no-one came and again, I sat alone. Last week I booked to see a show in a small theatre, I booked early online, in the middle of the row. There were empty seats each side of me, people had to book online so they left empty seats. I felt like a sore thumb, again. I think that having to do things alone is one of the hardest things to cope with

Tomorrow I am going to a NT property and will eat lunch there, alone again. The children are supportive and so are my neighbours but most of the time it is just me. Eating alone, no-one to make a cup of tea. There is an upside so I tell myself, I can decide what I want to eat, what I want to do. Got to keep this glass half full

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I really feel for you all. I am getting a taste of this through my dear SIL. I feel helpless as to know what to do to help her. She is on my mind ll the time. Both my sister and i include her and visit her as much as possible. I am in touch with her several times during the week via phone or texts. My darling brother was such a charater and they had been together since senior school so she is totally lost without him. She told me 'not only have i lost my husband, i have lost my best friend'. She feels like she is grieving for the two most important people in her life. It breaks my heart.

I lost my lovely husband, three weeks ago. September 8th.
I cared for him for nearly thirty years. Severe rheumatoid disease, pneumonia When he was in ITU for six weeks and stroke. He was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer at the beginning of August. He lost his battle at home, I was by his side.
We moved to this area ten years ago and have never had the chance to meet new people . We have a daughter who lives very close, we speak every day. She works full time and they have a five year old. I pick our little one up from school every afternoon. Our son lives a five hour drive away. He stayed here before and after my husband died. Our daughter was on holiday, she came back just in time to see her dad.
My only other family, my sister, lives two hours away.
I don't know how I feel. Yesterday, I decided that I would take a short train ride and have lunch in a cafe and watch the sea. I didn't manage to get close, I walked on the beach just to pull myself together.
I feel lost, I don't know where I fit any more.

I was widowed just over 2 years ago. I gave a busy interesting life and am cheerful & positive most of the time.

Sometimes, for very insignificant reasons, I just have complete meltdowns. It seems as though my emotione are very near the surface; it took a lot to make me cry pre widowhood.

The thing is to love in the moment and appreciate what we DO have. My children- especially my DS- are so supportive and can see I'm trying to move forward

To all recent widows, yes grieve and feel your feelings, but try to enjoy simple things. We still have the love of our dear departed, they are just in another room.

Loneliness is awful, as you get older and have health issues, more so. So hard to be cheerful when you don't see anyone for days at a time. I never thought I would say this, but if I dreaded each day and the emptiness of it, I would consider a nice retirement apartment, if I could afford it.

I recognise so much of this. I lost my second husband to cancer eight years ago and the loneliness has been profound. Two years ago my closest friend also died of cancer. As well as grieving for her it felt as though it opened up my grief for my husband all over again. To add to all of this my daughter has just told me she and her partner and eight week old first grandchild are to move abroad. It’s hard to imagine being happy and part of something again. I seem to spend days on my own. I’ve just joined gransnet and am hoping for wise words and chats!

Oh Maw annesixty and all of you who are widowed - my heart goes out to you all. There are probably no words I can say which will help in your grief.

I just wanted to let you know I care. x

I have just seen this and would like to share it with all who have been bereaved whether recently or years ago. .

"Grief is more like the ocean – it goes back and forth. Sometimes it feels like you’re drowning, that the waves are washing over you. Then there will be a day with calm waters. Then there’s an important day, like an anniversary, and it’s crashing over you again."

My Husband died 10 weeks ago today. I find at the moment I am feeling worse than when it happened.
He had dementia and was diagnosed with cancer just weeks before he died.
I had cared for him at home for a long time and my own health suffered.
When he died I was in a state of disbelief as I am sure most of us are.
I had a sense of release from the visiting and stress of his illness and so much to do immediately after that I feel I did not grieve.
Suddenly I started remembering all the many good and happy years we had together. That is my current state , grieving for those times but also trying to recover from the stress and worry , both mentally and physically from those years of caring.
I fear I never will.
Best wishes and kindest thoughts to you all in this situation.

I can sympathise with so many of you that have posted here. I lost my DH last November, we knew it was inevitable as he was suffering from chronic heart failure but he came home from a hospital stay on the Monday afternoon, went to sleep the following afternoon and never awoke. I had been his carer for many years and now find myself knowing no one but a friend made through a pulmonary rehab group I attended 3 years ago. We were each other’s life we had been together at home and at work, as we were self employed, for over 30 years. We joked that we had spent more time together than most couples that have been married twice as long. We had planned our home and garden with retirement years in mind, but he was only 2 months past 65 when he passed away from me. We were the same age for one day each year, as his birthday was the day after mine, I really do not want to acknowledge my 65th birthday. I too so miss being able to share the companionship of mutual experiences, of being able to finish each other’s sentences, even the arguments and his demanding ways. Now I have all the time in the world to do as I want and I don’t know what to do. I got very little sleep in his last months, but I can’t sleep now either. I need to find an upside somehow but to date it has not happened.

Hugs to all.

Three years for me and my loneliness is huge. I do recommend everyone carry their mobile phone at all times, I nearly fell off the ladder and it really scared me.

It is so hard, it's not just missing the person that understood you and loved you completely, it's everything they are missing. My son has just had his 26th birthday, he was 22 when his Dad died.

I meant to start a 'memory' book of everything my husband has missed, I must do it, painful as it is.

To all recent posters here from someone walking this road too

Hello I lost my husband 20th of May this year I am so lost, my emotions are all over the place, I can’t concentrate, I don’t like going out, I even do my shopping on line. I am so frightened of everything. I live near where I work so I walk there, I went back today and I am so tired, it’s a struggle. I’m not eating much as I don’t feel hungry. I’m finding life tough at the moment. I live alone but my son stays in touch and is helping me go through the mountain of paperwork. He comes round with his partner twice a week as they live quite local, they are due their baby in August which will be lovely. I am so anxious all the time.

I lost my husband in April and can only echo many of the sentiments here. My family do not live close by so I am finding it vey hard. It is very lonely. I have not been in this area long so do not have close friends here although I did join a coffee and have some friends there, I find the days I do not go out are particularly bad, yet when I do go out to coffee or to meet up with a friend, I find after a while I just want to go back home again and be quiet. I find it hard when I have to go out on my own, shopping for example as I think, well if I didn't come back, there would be nobody to notice. My husband always used to text me if I was out longer than expected to see if I was OK. Coming back to an empty house is horrible. It's the thought that the person who loved you most in the world is no longer here and I can't believe he is not coming back. Eating alone, watching TV alone just emphasises the loneliness.

Yes, yes and yes.
My sincerest sympathy stiltskin there are many of us, probably right across the spectrum of “stages” of grief whether for a child, grandchild, parent or partner.
I came across many helpful sentiments when my DH died 18 months ago, but while this is perhaps the loneliest time in your life , no you are not alone - we are here to listen at whatever hour of day or night and reassure you that yes, we do understand.

I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly seven days ago after 50 years of marriage. I have problems sleeping and my main problem is waking up between 2.00 and 3.00 in the morning feeling frightened. It does improve as it starts to get light. I know it is very early days yet and hopefully things will get better. I have just come across this site at 3.30 a.m in the morning. So glad to have found it and realise I am not alone.

It's a long time for me now, I enjoy my life, but that void and longing for him hasnt diminished, just got used to living with it.

Hello, recently widowed, in fact coming up to 12 months this month. We bought a house to be near to our friends, my husband was taken ill & was rushed into hospital just as the removal men arrived. He passed away the following day & did not spend 1 night in our new home.as you can imagine, I was determined to keep myself busy, putting things away, going to the tip & making my home my own little haven. To visit my family is a 2 hour round trip, I'm lucky that I have a car.
I have met the neighbours only once, they always say " you'll have to come round for coffee, that's not the same as saying come tomorrow @ 3pm. It's tough, people just do not know what to say to me. I just feel so lonely @ times, it does not help that I am an introvert & find it difficult to meet strangers but I am trying really hard.
I am still waiting for bereavement councilling via my doctor but have been told that I am on a long waiting list. My son & daughter have been my strength but do not realise the full strength of my loneliness, they drive away & I am sobbing. It's early days yet for me, my husband was the love of my life, they say it will get better in time, I have a long way to go, I miss him SO much.

45 years married and it was sudden while out exercising, a fit man but his heart stopped. Police at the door air ambulance and that was it, in one afternoon, no time to get used to it and not expected. It took such a lot of work on my part, to calm my emotions, to slow my heart, to lower my blood pressure.

Then came the clearing, then the preparing for a downsizing house move, all difficult and draining. The work kept me going, stopped me thinking but now the work is done and I have to move on, to make new friends, join clubs and U3A, this is why I am moving, before I am too old, before I get stuck in my lonely dark space