Second year

MawBroon MisAdventure Anniebach I haven’t had the emotion and distress of a husbandry or child dying, my ex is dead but that was long after we divorced but I can relate to all the things you have said I believe no one who knows me would ever think of me as lonely, scared, or scarred but the reality in my own head is this long walk of loneliness the loneliness of being with friends doing things, being busy, being helpful but ultimately being alone and seeing a long stretch of greyness ahead Everyday I wake up and look for sunshine, a meaning, a purpose, I guess many of us are on this path for many different reasons
My love and good wishes to you all x

I wish I could say or do something..anything to make things easier, your all amazing carrying on against all this terrible pain.

Is your grief at another type of bereavement then MissAdventure ?

At my husbands funeral I remember feeling angry with him, all my family and his family were there with their husbands/wives, I wa angry with him for not being with me when I needed him so much, how irrational is grief, when my daughter died I was angry with him for not being with me again.
Since my darling daughter died I can’t be angry with an illness that took her life, if she had been killed in a hit and run I could be angry with the driver, the only direction for my anger is to me. This is hell.

Sorry, I realise I'm not a widow, but I could talk about how unhappy I am till the cows come home, given the chance.
I wish I had some sage advice, but, nope.
Lately I seem to have gone through the same cycle of emotions all over again.
I've been angry, although I've kept a lid on it.

Exactly MissAdventure.

I have found things harder this year.
Its a different kind of grief, but in a way its more painful than before.
I think its the realisation that this really is it, and life does go on.
I don't want it to; I want back what I had.

I haven't reached the year milestone . Tonight I was out with the bowls club , it was ok , but the empty house on my return ................

Maw I constantly think about being alone once I’ve shut the front door and I don’t mind admitting I’m scared of loneliness. I am trying to make lots of little plans out of the house, I’ve booked a weeks holiday for all of us to get together in the Summer, have just been to visit my son for a long weekend abroad, I have a voucher for a cream tea and will invite both my daughters and two GDs, and my GS is going to come to an auction house with me in March to have my postcard collection valued. Of course my Gransnet coffee morning next week I’m really looking forward to.
It’s really helping me to have things to look forward to and keep me in touch with friends and family.

Maw a long time ago for me but I really do understand.
Meeting married friends at the school for parents evenings, they split the list of classrooms, I raced up and down staircases , along corridors determined to speak to every teacher. The golf club dinner and dance, I certaintly danced then came the last waltz , i was sitting alone at the tables.
Even a sister said ‘ come down for an hour, come Thursday, X (her husband) is going out. We Use to call when they were both home.
And even years later when my daughters married, the evening do, my parents didn’t want to stay until the end of the evening, ‘ you take Mum and Dad home, only take you ten minutes and your on your own’ , i was the hostess !

It is not easy Maw, but as you might expect it does improve with time.