Grief feels like a form of madness

Good point Caledonian about not making changes in a hurry.

Another thought, you may well be very busy sorting out all the things which have to be sorted, legal, banking etc. This helps in a way but you may well come down with a bump when it is all done. I cried buckets when some of the people I had to phone were nice and understanding but I think it did me good to rant after putting down the phone on the heartless ones like HMRC and the bank.

So sorry to hear of your loss. There are some wise words from others on here.

My sympathy purplepatch grief affects us all differently, no rights or wrongs.
Nonnie has good advice, be kind to yourself and accept the grief. You had such a long time together its going to take time to adjust.

I, too, wish you well purplepatch and I have to respect that there are others here who will offer sound advice and support because - sadly - they know only too well what you are going through. My dad was left on his own when mum died after more than 50 years of marriage. He internalised a lot of what you've described, but I recognise it - especially the regrets. He also did a few things that surprised us, his children, but all within the first year on his own. Later he told us that he didn't know what was going on in his head for that first year and the only advice he would pass on if asked was: "Don't make any major changes or do anything spectacularly risky for at least a year." Of course, some things had to change in his life, but mum was never far away, we guessed. I often thought I could feel my mum's spirit in the house, but dad seemed unaware. He never made any apology for being suddenly sad or thoughtful, though, and I know he couldn't look through photographs etc. Everyone's different but I think you shouldn't be at all hard on yourself for what may just be your brain helping you to adjust or your unconscious thoughts catching up with the way you are coping. All the best to you and I am glad you have started this thread. It may help lots of others, especially those who don't post.

purplepatch

purplepatch it is normal, grief plays tricks on us all. You may find yourself talking to him at some point. Some people even get angry with the person who died.

Another poster wrote "To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die". It sits on my desk and I read it often.

Let your grief happen in whatever way it manifests itself and be kind to yourself. Accepting it is hard and they tell me it gets easier over time. I lost someone very dear to me 18 months ago and it is not easier yet so give yourself time. Be kind to yourself.

purplepatch it IS so so real. Your cognitive reasoning is shot to pieces when you suffer a traumatic life event.
These awful feelings, sounds, smells, distortions of reality and despair are all part of the grieving process. It may feel as if you are going mad - you are not. It is just so HARD for you and so raw still. 52 years is a lifetime.

I know there are others around the forums who will be here to support you and have gone through and are going through such a traumatic time. I truly understand what you are going through but am not in a place to talk about it even now.

purplepatch

It was a long time ago for me, but I do remember thinking that grief was a form of madness.

Definitely not madness. Denial comes in many forms and because of so many years spent together, it will seem like a dream that you can no longer hear, see or feel what you always had so in your mind you're pretending that it hasn't happened. It is another safety valve within your mind and it's part and parcel of your grief.

Don't expect these feelings to vanish overnight as they take their time and you do feel at times as though you're going mad.

I used to shout from the kitchen " do you want a cup of tea " before realising I wouldn't get an answer.
Only time will heal and you've got a way to go yet but it'll ease as the months go by. I wish you well. x