Death....cannot stop thinking about it

judeR you are an inspiration

What you are feeling will pass, I lost both my parents in 5 months and my best friend from breast cancer the day of my mothers funeral.

My husband was killed 4 years ago on May 9th in a particularly traumatic road accident which involved me putting flames out on his body...

When you experience a series of bereavements you get into a 'mortality awareness' It will pass and you can help it by getting out and about and mixing with people and enjoying nature... After Brian died in such a traumatic way I realised life IS short and we owe it to ourselves and others we have lost to enjoy our own to the very fullest. I have lost so many people that I loved I live for them, I live and enjoy the life they have lost. It doesn't matter how long my life is as long as I fill it with good things, things that get me out of bed in the morning. Do it for THEM!

p.s. my grandmother was never in the best of health, she died in her sleep aged 98, creaking gates hang the longest!

JoJo58 I'm so sorry for your bad news and glad you are able to stay positive and enjoy what you still have.

Lots of encouraging messages and I hope they have helped those who are struggling. When I was young I was a terrible worrier, though not about dying - sometimes about relatively trivial things - yet they gave me sleepless nights and anxious days. When something was on my mind I did crosswords and puzzles to keep my thoughts on something that blocked out the worries. Sometimes when the thing I'd been worrying about actually happened, it was a relief, as it was rarely as bad as my fears.
Now I'm older I seem to have conquered the worrier in me and am usually full of optimism. Having said that I've not had to deal with the sort of grief that comes from losing more than one loved one close together. When I lost my mum in 2011 I was able to see the positives - she'd had a good life and was beginning to suffer from forgetfulness which was beginning to be a problem so I was grateful she went leaving mostly happy memories, and we hadn't had to deal with anything more serious. I have a friend whose DH has Alzheimer's and in comparison, the confusion we occasionally dealt with was as nothing. Focusing on the positives generally makes for a happy life. I try to see positives in everything and try to see the best in everyone, even the most challenging people and situations.
The only thing that does niggle at the back of my mind sometimes is 'If something happens to me, how long would it take for someone to find me?' I too live alone and both my AC live a long way away. They both phone me pretty regularly but I'd hate them to have to deal with something unexpected. I like the arrangement someone mentioned about having a daily check in with someone to say they are ok. Maybe I'll give that some thought, especially when I retire, which is not far off.

Beautiful post, llizzie2!!! Very encouraging!

Life is filled with life, from our first breath to the last, we are part of all that came before us and will also be part of what's to come- But for now, there is only this moment-

There's an old riddle .. ""What did your face look like before your parents were born?""

I would love to see photos of your raised bed-

I've kept two African Violets in the bathroom for years- They've bloomed occasionally- Ever since my husband died just over a year ago they've not been without blooms and new buds-

Lots of practical advice on this thread along with personal experience/stories regarding how "doable" it is to be able to lift the weight of ruminating and carry on- Thank you!

I do think that it might be a good idea for competitive spirit among people coming to terms with the loss of their loved ones. When my husband died 10 years ago I had to occupy myself and set about making patchwork quilts, something I had always wanted to do. I made quilts for all the family and extended families. Then in 2015 I was further diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica with an ESR rate over 50 and could hardly move. Before I was recovering from GBS which turned into CIDP. I was unable to move without a great deal of pain and could not sit on a chair for long enough to sew. When you live alone the only thing you can do in bed is knit. I knitted dozens of things from jumpers to throws. In 2017 I came off the steroids but still cannot sit in a chair for long because I am bent double for a few yards before I can straighten up. How I came to live as long as I have done is a mystery that I can only put down to creativity and a fear of not being able to do a thing.
Last year I actually built a raised flower bed around the garden. It took a year. I set myself three stones - dry stone walling - a day. In the hot weather I did not get three stones so made up for it another day. I can put photos if anyone is interested. I lived day to day and with each stone I thanked God for the surgeon who years before that operated on my hands, and for the splint on my leg enabling me to stand a bit longer and from my kitchen window I watched that raised bed grow and then in October it was filled with soil and I planted bulbs in it. I had help filling it with soil because it came - as did the stone - in those blue and yellow fabric skips and I could not get the soil out on my own. The bulbs all came out this spring. Some of the bulbs were irises called 'George' and one or two came at the end of February, but on the anniversary of my DH death they all bloomed at once, all in a row in the curved raised bed. I had never, ever built a raised bed with stone before.

Now if there were a competition of crafts especially for bereaved people it might spur us on to thinking of the future and what we would do with the time left to us. We are in our second life now. The first life we lived in water, with gills, swimming around and growing, hearing the sound of our parents - creators - voices. Do any of us remember birth? Can you imagine that being twisted and turning down the birth canal must have been like being squeezed through a drainpipe, but it had to happen and we do not remember, only that we had to come out of the darkness into the light.

Blacktabby2, so sorry for your loss. There's two of those kitsch sayings that I find always helps when I'm feeling low and vulnerable. "Every day may not be good, but there is always something good in every day" and, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." Kitsch I know, but love them.

You are not odd, so clear that thought from your mind. I am sorry you feel like this. You must not fear the inevitable. Rather you could work towards filling your life with activities which take your mind off the things which cloud it. By activities I mean creative crafts. I am disabled too and have come very close to losing my life so many times I look to seek why I am still here! Look for something which will give purpose to your life and do something along those lines. Put pen to paper and keep a diary of sorts to look back on. Put down the things you want to do and when you have done them!

It is easier for you to bear loss if you believe that there is another life. I believe that. I think if people can leave their body while alive they certainly can when the body is no use to us. I have been close to death many times and I am still here! We must not be afraid of the inevitable, but we do fear the way we leave this life, and we have to accept that few of us are ever prepared for it. The more deeply we love someone, the harder it is for us to accept they are no longer with us. What I do is hope that they are with us in spirit. There is no doubt that if we ask ourselves what our loved ones would do in a situation it helps keep them alive in our hearts. I do not know what if any your beliefs are so cannot advise in that way. I am a Christian and believe that the soul leaves the body to enter the next life. That much was given to me when I left my body during and operation and saw below me.

What an incredibly insightful and deeply thoughtful thread. So many experiences and ways to deal with thoughts about our own inevitable death. I've found much food for thought and many practical strategies to manage intrusive and ruminative thoughts. To all the Grans who have shared their own deeply personal experiences, a very big Thank You. ?

My advice - stay away from Dr Google! Always makes you feel worse but if you really have to look health issues up online only use the NHS website. Hope you stop worrying soon.

I have several friends, within 5 years of my age, older and younger, who are all going through very difficult times health wise, some life threatening. I've always thought of myself as a bit of an "old boot" but recently I've been dwelling on thoughts of the future or lack of it.
Yesterday I read a quote from Anthony Hopkins, the actor. It's made me think more about living the life I have got in a more positive way. Hope it's of some help to some others on here.

" None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop thinking of yourself as an afterthought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you are carrying in your heart like a hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There's no time for anything else."
I really like the "weird" bit.

Blacktabby2 - it's easy to say it, the difficult thing is doing it. So I'll just say it like it is and as I try to do in my life. First of all, accept your life as it is. Go with the flow. Live in the now, the present moment, You've had your share of bereavements and pain. But do you have any problems in this this moment now? Take a deep breath and another. Look out of the window. Look at the sky. Or the passing clouds. Look at a tree. You are all right now, in this moment, aren't you? You're fine. Don't dwell on the past. And don't worry about the future. Feel this moment now, and let it be enough. It may not give you happiness, but I hope it may give you peace. The freedom to be conscious that you are alive now in this present moment. And that it is enough. Take care of yourself and all the best.

Another one here who constantly thinks about dying and illness. I can't enjoy anything as I just think I might die or contract an illness. My DH has prostate cancer (in remission thankfully) and he says it has never occurred to him that he might die. Different mindsets.

Blacktabby2 I could of written your post too. It’s easy to say you have living to do etc cheer up but sometimes events change our thought processes and especially grief can take over in our mind telling us bad things. It’s not long at all since you lost your Mum and when we lose our Mums it is a major life event and the grief and sadness involved changes us. I lost my Mam three years ago and still miss her so much, and it changed me into worrying about death too. Definately it was empty nest syndrome and Mam dying that was the catalyst of it all so I go for counselling now to try to get the thought processes back to normal. I only replied so that your realise it is very normal for us adult orphans to feel this way and very common. You will have good days though maybe today is a worse day ? and some replies will help you x

I went through a similar thing when family members died a few years back. I kept thinking about my own mortality and future health to the point of obsession.

It was just a phase though, and after a while these thoughts went away.

The best antidote I found was preparing ahead - like having jobs done around the house while I was still in the mood; thinking about how to make life easier as I get older e.g. getting the garden into good shape and maintaining it with a view to hiring a gardener in the future.

I'm back to 'normal' now where I don't have these thoughts, except I am more aware of how I treat my body in the hope of avoiding preventable diseases; and I also practice mindfulness.

In all, I guess you could say it had a positive effect. Hope that helps xx

Blacktabby2, I am actually pleased to read your post because I am suffering in the same way.
I lost my beloved Mam last June . 4 weeks later I supported a dear friend through her last hours as she died from cancer . I knew at tbe time this was unwise , given my grief , but I am a retired GP and we are supposed to be strong , brave and immune to all the things life throws at us (so says the folklore of the medical world )
At the time my friend died I was due to have a routine endoscopy .I have Barrets oesophagus which can , potentially progress to esophageal cancer. This doesn't usually weigh on my mind too much as I know it's a rare ish occurrence.
However , my friend died in the night ,4 weeks after Mam and later that morning my daughter and I took a train to London to see a show. This was a long promised treat for DD so I did not want to cancel.
During the show I was knocked sideways by the most major attack of panic and terror .I suddenly became convinced the endoscopy would reveal cancer. I bid my fear from DD but the terror continued till I had the endoscopy a week later . It was not , of course , cancer and I'm to have a further endoscopy in 2 years.
That alleviated the fear of esophageal cancer but , since then , I've rocked from one , very genuine symptom to another . Chest infections , tummy pain , you name it , I've had it. As soon as one thing clears up a new one starts.
The doctor bit of me understands that grief causes physical symptoms and ruins the immune system . I know I have always been what is called a somatasizer .... psychological problems manifest themselves as physical ones. I believe that this is because there is such a stigma in medicine about being ill, especially mentally ill . Its slightly more acceptable to have a physical illness as long as you are brave and dont embarrass colleagues by causing a fuss !
So , I have been unwell and convinced I'm dying for almost a year now and I have no idea how to deal with this. Its spoiling my life. I know I am grieving for my Mam and that this is a journey I need to travel . I've had counselling, am on antidepressants but nothing stops it . I know we all get ill eventually so I know each symptom could be significant. Its ruining my life . I'm even writing this as I nurse my beautiful 2 day old grandson , that's how large it looms in my consciousness.
I hope you improve soon , Blacktabby2 . Sending you my love

sorry for your losses,there is some great advice here.the fear of death can be health anxiety maybe a talk to a dr or bereavement counsellor-try Cruse.The older we get we experiences more losses,Life can tick along for most then your mortality can hit you in the face,there are lots of good books out there to help,i recently finished one by Thomas Moore-the ageless soul
a great writer and read. I hope things get easier for you

There's some very good and thoughtful advice already given on this thread, and I can't add anything that's really any different, but I hope you gave drawn comfort from the wise words already given. I would say though, that it's only natural to have these thoughts. I'm a similar age to you and have also worried sometimes, but the thing is, as we grow older and begin to lose our Parents, relatives, close friends and see others coping with various ailments, and ourselves begin to get some too, it makes us think all the more of our own mortality. This is natural. You are also recently bereaved, so give yourself time and be kind to yourself. As others say, take one day or part of a day, a step at a time. Do things you enjoy doing. Talk to someone about how you are feeling if you are able to ( or keep posting on here), make some plans for future events, e.g. day trips out, short holidays, join some groups that interest you, etc.
Take care. ?

You are grieving and not feeling too great. So it's very understandable your thoughts will turn to worry about your own health and mortality.

You need to be able to grieve but as you have posted on here it must be that you feel you are not moving forward and are a bit stuck with dark thoughts.

I would suggest diversion techniques. So whenever those thoughts creep into your head you stop, pick up a book, put the tv on, get out if you can (I know it's not easy for you with a disability) or even have a shower, go into the garden, have a cup of tea, healthy snack. And get outside as much as you can. It's uplifting to be 'out there'. You are so young you have many more years so do try to overcome these fears.

If it helps, I too felt like you. Very dark times. I had cancer and my darling sister died of the same thing as I was trying to get through my treatment. I found it hard to concentrate, sleep, enjoy anything at all. I developed what I called my 'counting game'. So whenever I felt overwhelmed I would see if I could count 100 famous pop stars. Or 100 famous actors/actresses. I went on to count all the ones with A as fore or surname and so on. It helped me to relax, concentrate on something else and to sleep. I used bottle tops on my bed to help me keep count. Just that simple diversion got me through. I'm not sure what I would've done without it as I couldn't even read or watch tv during chemo as I had fuzzy vision.

Find your own method but try to get outside as much a possible and I hope you can come to terms with your grief and enjoy life again

Blacktabby2, I was diagnosed with lung cancer last wednesday and started chemo on friday, and guess what I am not thinking of death yes I know I'm not curable but treatable and know way is death on on the agenda, positive thoughts all the way done the tears and anger , no time for that once I get over the tiredness, I am up and off living life as best as I can, please think positive.

I'm like this too. 75 and with some health problems but generally lead a good life.
However, I also find myself counting how few years I might have left, and thinking back, I've always done it. Even aged 15 I'd imagine I might die soon.
I'm not depressed so don't know why it happens.
I also live alone so worry about that too.

I lost my brother and mother within 5 weeks a few years ago.he was 68. She was 93. We just don’t know when or how it will be for any one of us. But now I’m just thankful for each new day and happy to live one day at a time. Don’t dwell on death. The internet is good but can certainly frighten us and worry us !!

I can see it Veda, best wishes

Can someone please tell me if they can see my message. Whenever I write on Gransnet I never get any response.

Dear BlackTabby2, Hey there, dear lady, I really feel for you. In some respects we have similar stuff going on. Although at 73 I am a good deal older than your mere 58 - a mere teenager! and I am also disabled, live alone and don't see my son and his growing family often enough. I also have bouts of thinking about death and dying, sometimes hide myself away in a dark place, and have discovered that lots of folk in my age group struggle with similar thoughts. In the first instance you are grieving, a natural process which has to be let to run it's course. It is useless to resist and it is also a healing process, and any attempt to resist will simply make it persist. Please have patience with yourself on that score. It will gradually fade with time and you will have your memories of those loved ones whom you have lost in the physical world. I will now try to describe and offer ideas to cope which you may - or may not - find helpful to you. Suspecting I may suffer from mild depression or low mood from time to time, I take a couple of supplements. First of all there is St John's Wort which I purchase from ASDA, but which you can find online - excellent for mood, see Amazon? Also I make sure I have a good supply of the B vitamins, particularly vitamin B3 in the form of Niacinamide, which is the form which doesn't bring on the famous flush. This is also good for the brain and mood. You also mention that you are disabled. Exactly how disabled? Are you able to walk or bike ride at all? If so, try to get out into the fresh air and countryside surrounded by greenery, or into a local park. Or perhaps you have a garden where you can have your coffee and admire your flowers? Even better if it is sunny. If you can't, or if it is raining, try watching comedy shows, comedy films. When you wake up in the morning, immediately put on the radio - a light hearted music programme to lift your spirits and to lighten your mood. It is important to get out of the house and to make new friends. I did in the past join the U3A where you can join groups who walk together, lunch together, learn new things together, and I have just joined the Oddfellows which is a Friendly Society which has a care aspect to it too, and if you are not mobile they will arrange a lift to get you to their meetings. I recently completed the Action for Happiness course, founded by the Dalai Lama, which was a weekly meeting over eight weeks and contained valuable videos, exercises in meditation and also an opportunity to make new friends. You can find them online and find where the next one is nearest to you. There are community things in which to join, various churches, classes, clubs, the WI, exercise classes, art groups, local history groups, volunteering. Get yourself a new notebook and every night before you sleep jot down 5 things for which you are grateful, and over time increase it to 10 things. Also look at your dietary input. Water contains a load of rubbish, so what about a filtering system? Look at Brita. Also try going as organic as possible. A lot of problems are caused by the pesticides and fertilisers used in food production which is responsible for a host of maladies. Sainsbury's has the best selection of organic veg and you can also find organic meat and wild salmon there too. Also, every time you have a negative thought it risks becoming a habit which you can break. Thoughts make pathways in the brain, so it is important to consciously create new ones. So when you have a thought you don't like and don't want to have, notice it and then say to yourself something positive, such as "health, wealth, success and happiness" which is a little "mantra" I use myself. And, finally, are there any Gransnetters near you at all with whom you could meet up? Sending you love and massive hugs. xxxx

I got to thinking like you when I turned 63, the age Ma was when she died.

It makes me think I'm living on borrowed time, which is utterly bloody irrational but it creeps in just the same.

Just take it hour by hour and don't put anything 'on hold' until it's 'the right time'.