I just can't turn sad memories into happy memories.

Thanks for that link GreenGran.I have often thought of the comparison between life after birth and life after death but have never seen it put so beautifully as in this parable.

My late DH (who died February last year), would be heartbroken to think I was grieving so much for him. Well I am grieving and have been in tears this evening.
But I owe it to him to live the rest of my life as best I can and as happily as I can. I have photos of him everywhere and love to talk about him and remember the wonderful times we shared. I love going back to places we've been, it brings back those lovely memories and I have a smile and think of him. It's the only way I can cope.
I have just been on holiday on my own for the first time, and thought, yes he would be proud of me and would want me to do this; as I would have wanted for him. Even though I felt I wanted to turn to him all the time and share the experience. He would have said "Go girl!" Another adventure next month on a cruise, where I hope to scatter some of his ashes in the sea, his second home.
Everyone is different and manages grief in their own way, there is no right or wrong way.

librarylady That is often read at funerals in our local church. I am in the choir, so attend quite a few. I fully agree with the sentiment it expresses. Death is just one step along the path of life - as is birth. Before we are born we don't know what is going to happen to us either. Have you seen this before?
darvish.wordpress.com/2013/09/15/conversation-in-the-womb-a-parable-of-life-after-delivery/
I am looking at death as the next big adventure. There may be a wonderful heaven, a meeting with those who have gone before, or perhaps we will be reborn into another life, or we may just vanish into the cycle of nature, to nourish other life forms. Everything on this earth is part of the circle of life, and never completely vanishes. That's an amazing thought, and I find comfort from it.

I have four special people no longer with us, when I return to our favourite places it makes me happy, thinking of the lovely times we spent there, but sadness comes too when I think I can still enjoy these places and they cant.

GreenGran78 thank you for that, it is a beautiful piece.

Your post was beautifully put and I agree with your sentiments.

My fondness for Remember, though, was driven by my belief that I would be the first to go (my OH is a few years younger than me and has always been amazingly strong and healthy until now) and the poem reflects how I wanted his life to continue.

Now that it is more than likely that I will be left behind, I think this popular reading, which I first heard at the funeral of a dear friend, holds much more comfort

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
Canon Henry Scott-Holland

My parents passed away over 30 years ago and I’m now thinking I might be able to put up a photograph of them without it hurting too much! It was easier to concentrate on the here and now. So no grief does not come with a set time limit. Be easy on yourself. ?

Librarylady There is a beautiful choral arrangement of this poem. My choir sang it at my husband’s funeral, almost three years ago. You can find it on YouTube, if you would like to hear it.
He requested that his ashes be scattered in three favourite places. Our garden, the lake where he used to go sailing, and the ocean in Australia, which he loved so much. He joked that they would have a lot of trouble reassembling him at the Last Trump, and that thought makes me smile.
We were both very philosophical about death, It came peacefully and quickly for him, after many years of poor health, and I was grateful for that. I talk to my family about my death, when it comes. I hope that mine is quick and peaceful, too, and that they accept it as a part of life’s progression. Sadness can’t be avoided. As I grow old I have had to cope with many losses, but I try to remember the happy times.
I hope that you, bikergran, and everyone else who is grieving, can find peace and contentment too.

Librarylady, my son in law read that at my hunsband's funeral and now I am crying too.

The first year we went on holiday after the death of my son I cried all the way there I could bear that he wouldn’t be with us so understand what you mean I think.

I’m divorced after leaving a violent husband I do envy all those who have had a happy marriage I wish I had been happy, at least you do have lovely memories but grief is very hard

annep1 mentioned Remember by Christina Rossetti. This has always been one of my favourite poems but unsure how comforting it actually is - my husband was diagnosed with MND last October and he seems to be fading before my eyes. I feel as if I am already grieving the man he was and as if I would rather remember and be sad...

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad

Bikergran Cruse bereavement counselling helped me loads. Also living in the present, taking each day as it comes & making the best I can of it. I am in acceptance mode. So in general I have found peace. But any bereavement is so hard & we all grieve differently. I wish you all the very best and condolences to all those recently bereaved.

morethan2 my days at work occupy my mind, I only work 16 hrs,but I do enjoy it (even though I really should! have been retired at almost 64 but..as with others we have to go on a bit longer now.

Been working today and its good being around a busy atmosphere (well known supermarket)

moggie57 thats another subject (Ashes) I cannot bare to part with them, they are upstairs in a scatter tube with a scene of a lovely sunset over a field with sunflowers.

grandtante we were married 35 yrs (together for over 40)
20 yr age gap (I was the youngster then)

best wishes to all who still feel sad, but hope that one day you will wake up one morning and feel a little brighter

I am not a widow, and I imagine losing your husband is much, much worse than the other bereavements we suffer, but I honestly don't think there is anything unusual in feeling sad when you look at photos or go to places that you formerly went to with your husband.

Five years isn't all that long. I don't know how long you were married for, but I don't think grief can be measured against the length of time it takes you to be able to look back happily, instead of sadly.

My sister died three years ago, my father ten and my mother nineteen, but there are still days where I wouldn't want to look at photos of us all together even now.

I imagine these feelings of loss will stay with us for the rest of our lives,

I know exactly how you feel, there are even a couple of adverts come on that have songs he used to like and that makes me cry.
My youngest is doing her GCSE’s this year and older three graduating uni and I know he would have been so proud of them.
That’s it, crying again just writing that, I’m a lost cause I think.
Hope you can eventually see happy memories OP

i get like that too. places bring back memrories good and bad . i miss my mum a lot and the places we used to go..then i think she wouldnt want me to be sad ,but to get out and visit them anyway..hard i know ...have yet to go back to weymouth as thats where we put her ashes, been 20 years now and still on my bucket list to go back..

I cant offer any advice as I struggle with this myself. i just want to know you are not alone in this, you are not odd or strange I tend never to look at photos and I avoid thinking back. Always been a bit like it but since losing my Dh ( anniversiry very near ) it has become worse. I work full time and just go through the motions but bank holidays don’t help. Wishing you some comfort in the future.

We are all different in that way. For instance some people upon losing a child keep their room as the child left it as a sort of shrine, while I have read of others who immediately dispose of everything and turn the room into something else, because it's too painful to be reminded. And everything in between. I'm the same, I still can't look at the old letters a relative gave me that my parents wrote to her.

I am struggling with the losses in my life. I try to think of the good points of my different life now, such as I have inherited and can afford a lot more and I no longer have any caring responsibilities, therefore I have all day every day to do as I like. Unfortunately, as a result of all the caring, my health is not good.
Everything reminds me of the people I have lost. I am trying to visit places I did not go to with those people but it is difficult as we did touring holidays and days out a lot.
I have been living between two houses both of which have been family owned for many years. This is not bringing me any comfort, so I thought about moving but I can't find a house that suits and I don't know whether to go to a place we had visited or try to find an unknown place.
It is the absence of those family members who would have advised me wisely, which is making me want to make some kind of move.

I have just come in from the garden, having spent a couple of hours indoors sorting out more things of my husband 's for the S.A. That made me sad, and I needed to be out inn the air for a time, my husband died 3 months ago, and it has been a roller coaster of emotions because I loved him so much, and paid little attention to his funeral, and wished I could have done better, but quite suddenly for no reason at all, whilst I was sitting in the sun, I could hear him singing "Oh! you'll never go to heaven on roller skates", can't remember the rest, but to see him sitting with "our crowd", slapping his knees and laughing made me happy and sad at the same time. All the cards we received when he died, said what a Happy Man he was, he certainly made me happy and I hope I shall always be able to conjure up a happy incident that will help with the tears, but like everyone else, just wish he was here, to share, although he was very poorly and tired, incapable of singing anything. Oh dear!

Annepl I agree that it's best to control how much time and energy is to be use up on feeling sad. It should not take over the life as you rightly say and nostalgia can be too much self indulgence.

I went on a nostalgia holiday by myself to try to put the ghosts of the past to sleep. I learned to tell them that they are dead now and just shut up. I actually said this out loud on a deserted road , afterwards told a psychiatrist friend who said I'd done well.

I lost my beautiful dad 7 years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him. I have lovely memories of him growing up but makes me sad that he still isn’t here

This thread has made me feel three things ....grateful that I still have my really lovely (sometimes annoying husband) very sad because of your grief and loss. Three my admiration at all your stoic bravery. Your all very special. It’s not the same but it took me 40 years to be able to put up a photograph of my mum. bikergran I hope your day went well at work. I do often think of you. I followed your posts at your struggle to find work. I admired you then and do now.

Since my husband died 3 years ago I have had 7 solo holidays. I always enjoy them and feel less sad than I do at home. But I did burst into tears on one holiday (to the Galapagos Islands) because I was talking to another person on the same holiday and she mentioned my husband and asked if he would have enjoyed the trip."No, he would not!" I said, and felt most guilty that I was enjoying a wonderful part of the world that he would have hated. I have good memories of that place, but yes I do feel sad when I revisit places where we were young and happy together. Grief and sadness are part of the human condition.

Venus I'm so sorry. No, it won't ever be the same, no one can make up for being without your darling husband. But life will go on and there will be happy times again. [flowers ]

My husband died almost three years ago after a long battle with Parkinson’s. When he first died, I could only remember him as he was when he was ill. Despite photographs, I could not visualise him in better days. I was told that this would pass and I would start to remember the good times. It has happened and I can now remember happy times. It does not me being sad but, but it must be a step in the right direction. I have read many times that grief is the price we pay for deep love and I am sure that is true.
I make every effort to get used to this new life without him. I go to a widow/widowers group once a month and find that helpful. It is social rather than counselling. I still see old friends and have made new ones. I think bikergran that you are very brave to do solo holidays. I have not done that yet but plan to.