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New member today.

(10 Posts)
BradfordLass72 Sun 02-Jun-19 03:49:10

Hello bellarosie and welcome.

You're right, you do have to find a whole new way of living and nothing and no one, can every truly fill the hole left behind by an adored partner.

I agree with GrandmainOz that you could tell your son and his wife how you are feeling.
It isn't burdening them, it's including them, as they wish to be included in your life. And they do, obviously, because you all get on so well.

It really is awkward, even when it's your Mum, to know what to say for the best, when something so terrible happens, so please, trust them with this and make the first move.

You could say, 'I feel so lost now and I am so very grateful for your help and love, it has made a world of difference since my beloved passed away.' And take it from there.

My son, like yours, has always been very close and still is. Never comes here without hugging me as soon as he walks in the door and always before he leaves. He would, I know, drop anything, however important if I needed him but like you, I hesitate to ask....unless it is absolutely vital.

In this case, dear bellarosie it is vital; you need the love and compassion of your son and daughter in law to help you over this awful time. Don't deny them the chance to give it. flowers

GrandmainOz Sun 02-Jun-19 02:47:38

Welcome bellarosie
I've had a couple of awful bereavements in recent years so I very much empathise with you and send my best wishes.
I found with my sons that they often don't want to say the "wrong " thing purely out of a misguided fear of somehow making me feel worse. As a result I now speak up if I'm having a particularly hard day and I always get a hug or my youngest makes me a cuppa and sits with me for a little while. They really do care as much as my DDs do but are more wary and respond well if I simply say something like "sorry I feel very tearful today".
I think a lot of the time we're so afraid to burden our loved ones when actually they really like you to broach your feelings as then they don't have to fear that they're steaming in unwantedly flowers

trueblue22 Sat 01-Jun-19 23:28:41

Welcome bellarosie. My husband died suddenly just 2 years ago .

I lead a very busy life and have a married daughter & single son. My son understands my grief more than DD. So gender of child is not usually an issue.

I did tell my DD recently how much the 2nd anniversary was hitting me and how upset I felt, even though I'd shown a brave face so far.

I think you should tell you DS how you're feeling. Was it his father who died? If it was, he would be grieving as well, or might be grieving for your partner.

I would share how you're feeling sometimes, because he would expect you to feel sad and maybe can't understand how you're coping so well.

It's a journey and the pain & emptiness does get easier. But sometimes the sadness just knocks the stuffing out of you and then you have to feel the feelings and have a good old meltdown.

rockgran Tue 28-May-19 19:03:32

Welcome, Bellarosie. I have found Gransnet to be a great help in putting things in perspective. I can usually find a post or comment that makes me realise any problem I have is not unique to me. I find this comforting even if there is no solution other than acceptance.

bellarosie Tue 28-May-19 18:26:15

Thank you so much Yorksherlass rosecarmel Tanith and Luckygirl for your messages and time. My thoughts are with all of you.

tanith Tue 28-May-19 16:31:30

Bellarosie I too lost my dear hubby 8 mths ago and it’s never easy to just get on with life is it? As the others have be kind to yourself and lean on your son if you need to I’m sure your dil will understand in the circumstances.
Your name actually reminds me of one of hubbys favourite films I don’t know if you’ve seen Carry on Cruising but one of the characters sings a love song to Bellarose.

Keep posting on this helpful site.

rosecarmel Tue 28-May-19 16:12:47

I understand, my partner died just over a year ago- And yes it can be difficult at times to carve a new life from the future you had in mind- And yes the kids have busy lives-

No matter if change is sudden or gradual, it isn't unusual to feel like you've been taken by surprise by it-

There's no right or wrong way to feel when someone dies, no time limit on how long one grieves, everyone is different-

For myself I find keeping busy, be it in the company of others or alone, aids healing- This is the life I've been given to lead, it's a gift, I may as well live it while I've the opportunity-

Yorksherlass Tue 28-May-19 16:08:16

Welcome bellarosie, this is indeed a lovely site with likeminded people and I am sure some one will be able to offer you advice on how you are feeling .

Luckygirl Tue 28-May-19 16:04:11

Welcome bellarosie - what a lovely name! smile

I am sorry that your first post is about this sad situation in which you find yourself. Adapting to life without your dear partner is so hard, and it is one that many on here have grappled with - I am sure they will be along shortly to tell you how they cope and to lend their support.

I hope very much that you will find some helpful posts on here and send good wishes. flowers

I do know how you feel about not wanting to disrupt your adult children's lives with your woes; I care for a very sick and disabled OH and feel just the same about not burdening the children, who have lives and families of their own. I have no sons, so do not know what one might expect of them.

bellarosie Tue 28-May-19 15:56:03

Hello Everyone, I have just joined Gransnet today and I can see that there are so many kind considerate and friendly people here. I lost my dearest partner last year to bowel cancer. I have tried and tried to come to terms with life but I do realise that you have to learn to live a completely different kind of life but I miss him terribly. He was an extremely intelligent and highly principled man and we had some lovely years together. I am extremely hesitant to interfere with my Son's life. He has re-married and is very happy. I simply do not want to take up his time with his lovely Wife. I do think however, ( and I would be interested in any replies) that a Son does not understand in the way that Daughters do. I know the old saying " A Daughter is a Daughter the whole of her life but a Son is a Son till he takes him a Wife". He is a wonderful Son and has always been my best friend and I am not complaining in any way. I also love my new Daughter in law. She is a very busy and talented girl and I cannot and would not expect her to completely understand that I feel so alone in the world. I do have girlfriends and I am trying my best. However, today I found this lovely site and I thought that perhaps I should join up and see if this can help a little. Thank you for reading my post.