Gransnet forums

Bereavement

My cyber friend 😢

(35 Posts)
tanith Tue 18-Jun-19 21:25:46

We have been online friends for 15+ yrs and now she is dying and it’s hard.
We’ve shared our family stories and births and bereavements together, She married her long term partner after years together, I’ve met all her family through photos. We exchanged gifts and cards at birthdays and Christmas.
She’s told me how her husband was sliding into dementia and it was affecting her health.
She’s been in and out of hospital but we’ve managed to stay in touch via her daughter and step daughter but they now tell me she’s so poorly she’s had enough and isn’t expected to live long.
She lives in Illinois USA so we’ve never met and I feel so sad that I can’t tell her face to face goodbye and hold her hand. I’ve written to her and told her how much her friendship has meant to me over the years, her daughter said she smiled when she read it to her I just hope she knows how I feel.
Just can’t stop thinking about her.

moggie57 Tue 25-Jun-19 12:03:21

i felt like that with a lot of my penpals ,esp one in kenya ,we wrote since the middle 1970's. sent photo's etc. she had no telephone or internet. so i got in contact with her niece..i sent her money for medicine as she had no money or very little. was in the process of visiting through a friend in the seychelles and she passed away early this year. i wished i had made plans to visit her earlier.. now she is gone.several penpals have now died that i wished i had visited.. but be assured your friend knows how much you love her .and yes dont hold your grief in... . light a candle for her and pray .even if you not a religious person. send her on her way with thanks and love and peace.

GeorgyGirl Thu 20-Jun-19 18:56:10

What a wonderful friendship, I am so sorry to hear your sad news.

tanith Thu 20-Jun-19 06:38:43

Sadly I’ve just received an email that she died last night peacefully. I’m glad she got to hear my letter.

No more comment needed. Thanks for listening .

merlotgran Wed 19-Jun-19 22:51:52

I'm sure she knows how you feel, tanith. It's been a true friendship even though you have never met. Your letter will have given her comfort.

tanith Wed 19-Jun-19 22:43:38

I’m not the only one that’s been in this position it seems, such moving stories thankyou. I’m very grateful her family are keeping me updated and seem to realise how important the friendship is to both of us.
Her son recently visited with her from somewhere in the South of the USA and I know she would of waited for him before making her decision she was very fond of her son and only saw him a few times in her later years he would always go fishing and bring her home the catch and cook it for her I’ve seen the pictures of some of his catches.

Thanks everyone

trendygran Wed 19-Jun-19 21:12:51

I understand your feelings.I have had a very long term friendship with an original’penpal’ in Indiana USA. Now we just communicate online. I have seen her and her family twice -once here and once in Indiana. Recently her DH has been quite ill and almost lost a leg. Luckily this was avoided and he is now due home from a nursing facility tomorrow. I have felt bad enough for him ,and for my friend during this time . I know I would be just as concerned if she became ill,as I would be for any friend here. We have built up a close friendship over all those years and care what happens in our families. It’s good that your friend’s daughter is able to be a ‘go between’ and hopefully that helps you a little.

B9exchange Wed 19-Jun-19 20:47:19

How truly sad when someone you have grown to care about is nearing death. I hope you are able to keep in touch with the family over arrangements. It must have been a great comfort to hear that she smiled when your letter was read to her.

Lona Wed 19-Jun-19 15:57:51

Tanith how sad, I'm so sorry.
I have made quite a few friends online, mostly Gransnetters, and there are three or four that I would be very upset to lose. One in particular, who I've met twice, I feel very close to. I think as a pp said, sometimes you just click and nothing else matters.
flowers and hugs xxx

Esmerelda Wed 19-Jun-19 15:47:07

So sorry, Tanith. I lost a very dear friend in similar circumstances a couple of years ago ... I still love her and miss her so much. Hugs to you.😢 💐

Redrobin51 Wed 19-Jun-19 14:28:32

I can truly emphatise as I attended the funeral of a lovely lady earlier this year who through circumstances I had never had the joy of meeting face to face. I met her on a health forum (we had the same illness) and we just clicked. Like you I felt I knew her family through seeing their photos and her telling me all about them. She was truly supportive when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and tried to support her through her various health problems. Even though she was ill it was a massive shock when she died. When had the opportunity to meet her family I could see they had inherited her lovely nature. I can honestly say I felt closer to her after the 5 years of knowing her than to some of my friends of 4O years standing. Don't feel your grief is false in any way or lesser because you have never met. The connection you two have is very real so as others have said be gentle on yourself and let yourself grieve as you would any friend.x

Tillybelle Wed 19-Jun-19 14:21:12

Oh tanith. I am so very sorry. I can only say that I, having experienced going out of my body when the Doctor said he thought I was dead, am absolutely sure we do not die. Her spirit, which is truly who she is, will be released. I do not know if she will be able to touch you in spirit but I believe we have to leave that to God.

I wonder if there is anything you can do, for yourself, to mark the passing of your wonderful friend? Can you put a letter in a frame and keep it by some flowers?

I am so glad you told her you love her. She is very blessed to have you as her friend. I remember when you were particularly kind to me here. I know you are a special and gentle person filled with unselfish love.

I pray that some comfort comes to your heart at this time. May you feel the perfect peace that your friend will feel when all her troubles are past and her pain is ceased. I know she will go to people who know her and love her very much.

Bless you Tanith, treat yourself gently. With love, Elle x 🌈🦋🌸🌼💐

tanith Wed 19-Jun-19 13:43:06

That should be Gransnetters

tanith Wed 19-Jun-19 13:42:08

Her daughter has told me that her Mum is at peace with her decision to stop all medication and food she actually said “that’s it enough now I’m ready to go”.

I hope I would have as much dignity when my time comes.

Thanks for that suggestion ‘jaylucy’ I had been whether I should send flowers but donating is a much better plan I think. When the time comes I will ask the family if can they suggest a cause Marilyn(my friend) would approve of.
Gransnet terms are a kind bunch for sure.

Pat1949 Wed 19-Jun-19 13:32:11

That's really sad.💐

Dee1012 Wed 19-Jun-19 13:01:54

Tanith, annsixty.
All I can do is say how sorry I am for your loss and virtual hugs are sent.
I wish I had better words but I don't.

sodapop Wed 19-Jun-19 12:57:24

That is a lovely idea jaylucy for tanith to make a donation in memory of her friend.
A friend is a friend irrespective of how you keep in touch, some people just click and understand each other. It sounds like this is the case with your friend. I'm sure your messages have been comforting for her and her family tanith I hope her passing is peaceful. You have both enjoyed a great friendship and that's something to look back on with happiness at a later time.

jaylucy Wed 19-Jun-19 12:29:57

It's a difficult time for you I know.
A friend of mine died the Christmas day before last. I did actually meet her, but we first became friends through the fact that her son was killed in a motorsport accident - he had become a family friend while over here, and I wrote to her to say what a lovely lad he was and how much he'd be missed.
After I emigrated, she got in touch with me and we built up a friendship by phone and letter - she helped me over some difficult times when my own family were across the other side of the world, we actually met when I went to stay with her while my marriage was breaking up, and when I came back here we kept in touch.
I still can't believe how much her passing affected me, but as well as a friend, she had become my second mum.
At least you have had a chance to tell her what she meant to you and also to say farewell and she is aware of that. May she pass peacefully and it might help you to perhaps buy yourself a little something as a memorial or make a donation to a charity she might have a connection with.
Be kind to yourself, it is still a great loss xx

BladeAnnie Wed 19-Jun-19 10:55:37

That's so difficult - sending you lots of love 💑 x

glammanana Wed 19-Jun-19 10:37:10

Sendings ((hugs)) Tanith at this sad time your friend will know how much you both meant to each other,flowers

BabyLayla Wed 19-Jun-19 10:34:16

Thinking of you both
Loosing a good friend is so hard, we share so much.
I’m sure her daughter will find comfort in your letter after your friend has passed.

grannyactivist Wed 19-Jun-19 10:21:24

All the elements that make a true friendship are present in your relationship with this 'cyber friend' tanith, so it's quite natural that you will grieve her death. I expect she is aware of the strength of your concern, just as you would be if the positions were reversed. flowers

Minshy Wed 19-Jun-19 10:13:03

You have been a great friend. You will mourn because you knew her as sure as if you had met her in the flesh.
Don’t feel bad because you are not physically with her.
Send your love across those miles. She will feel it. I’m certain

crazyH Wed 19-Jun-19 09:13:00

So sad Tanith.....when my friend was in the last days, all his family from abroad, rang him and said a few words. His wife held the phone to his ears. He couldn't talk, but he listened...perhaps it was of comfort to him. I don't know.

BradfordLass72 Wed 19-Jun-19 09:10:02

I honestly don't think there is any difference in love whether it's for a cyber friend or a face-to-face one. Love is love and it hurts when someone you care about is in pain - or gone.

I have lost several cyber friends and a few pen-friends (some I'd had 35 years) and I've cried in exactly the same way I do when a face-to-face friend dies, or is ill or has some similar tragedy.

All you can do tanith is be very grateful that fate brought you together to share so much.
I know for sure that your Illinois friend loves you as much as you love her and that the years you spent together brought her much joy. I think you know that too - so eventually you will rejoice that it was so. flowers

Luckygirl Wed 19-Jun-19 08:52:19

That is sad - it is wonderful to find a kindred spirit via whatever means, and I am sorry that she is now nearing the end of her life.