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They just don't get it !

(22 Posts)
Totallylost Thu 15-Aug-19 19:57:38

It's now been 2 years since my DH died so suddenly and so unexpectedly, I'm sure everyone thinks I must 'be over it' whatever 'it' is, even my daughter now just carrys on as normal , if I say anything I feel as though I'm harping on and moaning , I'm not , I just miss him so bloody much . Sorry I'm not looking for a solution honestly, I just wanted someone to understand

crazyH Thu 15-Aug-19 20:06:03

I divorced after 25 years of marriage. Just the other day , I was telling the children, I would be sad if anything happened to their Dad, so I can well imagine how really devastated you must be. Just thank the Lord for the blessings in your marriage and keep his memory alive, by talking about him, even to a stranger, if that helps. And try to make the best of your life. Best wishes x

phoenix Thu 15-Aug-19 20:07:46

Totallylost there is no prescribed time for grieving, and it is different for everyone.

Your daughter "carrying on as normal" doesn't mean that she doesn't miss her father, she probably has her sad moments, but may not show them.

It's hard, I appreciate that, but just go day by day, keep putting one foot in front the other (cliches I know, but true) and treasure the happy times that you shared.

Would your husband want you to be sad and unhappy? Probably not.

tanith Thu 15-Aug-19 20:08:33

I lost my husband less than a year ago and I miss him every single day, but I get it that the world moves on, so I keep my bad days to myself mostly. My family talk about him a lot but it’s all the good memories which keeps him close to all of them. Talk about the happy times with them rather than the sadness and they may be more empathetic.

I know it’s hard and I do understand, maybe talking to a bereavement councillor would help.

Bordersgirl57 Thu 15-Aug-19 20:15:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Totallylost Thu 15-Aug-19 20:19:36

Yes I agree with you all, and I do know life moves forward and others loved him too, I'm just finding that year 2/3 is harder because everyone else still has that other person to share even the silences with . Most of the time I'm very positive and ok and cope, sorry just a down day today I suppose

MawB Thu 15-Aug-19 20:25:35

I totally understand totallylost, tanith as indeed I do for bluesapphire, alygran annsixty , marmight and all those who have lost a life’s partner.
There is no such place as “over it”, and happy memories are lovely, but there will inevitably the sad ones, the memories of “this time last year” or “this time two years ago “ or “five years ago” , the anniversaries, birthdays or children’s and grandchildren’s birthdays and what the rest of the world may not understand is that just because you pin a brave face on every day does not mean you are in bits inside.
Perhaps a bereavement counsellor might be helpful, I have thought about it too, but somehow haven’t felt like taking that plunge.
Your adult children may be in a difficult place, it is their loss too, and while they have their own partners and lives to help them get on, they too will have sad times which perhaps they don’t even “confess” to you.
I have had to weather some hurtful comments from people who seemed to think that I should be “getting over it”, and save my tears for when I am alone.
You are doing very well, you are still here and able to be open about your loss. There is no “over it” just putting one foot in front of the other as he would have wished you to.
Feeling for you flowers
If you possibly can bear it
“Do not grieve because he is no more, be glad because he was

Luckygirl Thu 15-Aug-19 20:29:47

I am not sure that people do assume that you have got over your bereavement - most people do understand that it takes a very long time. Everyone has been bereaved in some way and knows how it feels.

But people do carry on with life, because there is nothing else to be done; but please do not think that this means they do not care or remember.

You are allowed to be sad and to share that with those closest to you. It does not mean that you are "moaning" or "harping on." There will be good things to share too. Good memories and good new things in the present.

It is a hard road; and a slow one and I send you strength and understanding.

Totallylost Thu 15-Aug-19 20:53:08

Thank you all for being there and listening 💐

annsixty Thu 15-Aug-19 21:43:53

Thankyou Maw and commiserations Totallylost
Early days for me I know but yesterday I "lost it" at the till in Sainbury's
I had a lot of shopping as I had been away to my D's for a few days.
I just looked at the shopping waiting to be packed and I didn't know how to do it.
The tears flowed, fortunately my S came to see why I was taking so long so he took over and I sat and wiped the tears away.
Sadly he couldn't understand why I was in a state.
He has supressed his feelings and never asks about mine.
Your family may feel the same OP.

Migs58 Thu 15-Aug-19 22:24:48

Be kind to yourself. If you have the odd day when you want to pull the duvet over your head and howl then do it.
It only becomes a problem if that is every day. Then you need to get counselling. Grief is a bitch.
Your son may give the impression he doesn't get it but that may be because he thinks he has to show a stuff upper lip to help his mum. Everyone has to make this journey on their own. Just always remember you were loved and you are loved.
We don't get to choose the life we have. Try to find one good thing in every day, even if it is just that it is not raining, and share that tiny moment of pleasure with your husband. You have to try to get the best of your life now for him as well as yourself.

MawB Thu 15-Aug-19 22:37:27

Can you bear a wee smile?
I have just had my nearly 5 year old DGD staying with me. Unlike her big brother she is not famous for her sensitivity and can sometimes be like the “little girl with the little curl, right in the middle of her forehead” if you see what I mean.
Anyway while she was here she looked at me at tea and said very solemnly “it’s sometimes hard when you haven’t got your husband isn’t it?
Well - I was overwhelmed by her sensitivity and felt the tears in my eyes, until she went on “When we came back from Crete Daddy took the boys to the cricket (Test match near them at Edgbaston ) and mummy and I had to do all the unpacking from holiday” ! gringrin
Out of the mouths of babes......... grin
She gets it!

BradfordLass72 Thu 15-Aug-19 22:53:35

Oh, I can understand that so well Totallylost and to tell the truth, I don't think you ever get over it. You learn to manage it; sometimes better, sometimes not well at all.

My husband died in tragic circumstances in 1998 and it was only this week, when someone on GN reminded me of a song he used to sing to our baby, that I found myself in tears all over again.

But in a strange way, I was glad. I loved him and I still mourn him because of that love.

I don't expect anyone to understand, though some may say they do, because that love we had was personal, between us alone and no one else's love was like ours...because it was ours.

I do NOT mean other couples loved less, I know that's not true.

But the love WE shared, was specific to us, just as yours is specific to you and your darling. Nothing compares.

No one can ever see into the hearts and minds which bound you together. Those ribbons of care and concern, were what kept you together, happy, fulfilled and contented. Despite the

Even people who are deeply in love cannot understand what it was that made you and your husband one heart.

It's like a daffodil trying to imagine what it is like for a rose.

Both beautiful, both so different.

No one, however sympathetic can comprehend what we were given, what wonders and blessings we achieved with that dear companion. And what we lost.

All we can do is find it in us to forgive, simply because they don't know.

Day by day Totallylost day by day. flowers

SynchroSwimmer Thu 15-Aug-19 23:06:12

If it helps, I also recall that year 2 running into year 3 was much worse than the first anniversary when you are still just in shock at that point. Things did improve after that horrible second anniversary.

I heartily recommend the online organisation called Way Up...
where you can just chat and share online, get advice, practical help, and even meet people locally for coffee and cake when the time feels right.
Would urge anyone in our circumstances to join, if only to read comments initially...

Pippa000 Fri 16-Aug-19 16:18:30

I am now just 18 months into the grief process and can echo a lot of what has been said. Although I know I "need to get on with it" it is bloody difficult at times. My DH was a whizz at fixing things, now I have to get on and with the help of YouTube try and do it myself. My children have been fantastic, but I know they have their own lives and I cannot expect them to come to my aid at the drop of a hat. Although if I asked them I know they will. I have moved back to UK, bought my little house, sorted out a mortgage, and other finances and last month I acquired a puppy, It is very hard having no-one who shares the same memories, but at least I have a living being to come home to, my life has changed forever, and I am now on a different path. I still have days in tears, and expect that I will do so for quite some time, as has been rightfully said grief is a journey we all do in our own way.

tanith Fri 16-Aug-19 16:27:21

Pippa you said something that really struck home with me, the memories that only my dear husband and I shared.

There are so many little things that stick in my memory that no one else in the world knows about that I can no longer recall with him and chuckle about, it feels so sad recalling our first meeting for instance.

As you say it’s different for everyone.

Nonnie Fri 16-Aug-19 16:43:25

I agree with what Pheonix said and others too.

I am in the same time frame with the loss of my son, no reason has been found for his death. One DS never talks about him, the other does now and again when something significant happens and on his birthday, Christmas and the anniversary. I think they deal with it in different ways but it doesn't mean that one doesn't care.

DH and I don't talk about him as often as we think about him as I think we both still find it too hard. I find it easier to mention to people I don't know well than to my closest friends.

I hope that just writing the post and hearing from others has helped for a little while. It is good to get it out sometimes.


Totallylost Fri 16-Aug-19 20:35:12

Thank you all so much, it really has helped just knowing it's not only me who feels this way, it's not all the time by any means but I was having a bad blip yesterday . Yes MAW I did have a wee smile , out of the mouths of babes indeed 💕

Socalgal Sat 17-Aug-19 16:47:14

I’m just a month into my life without my husband. It seems the first few weeks I was so busy taking care of things I didn’t have time to think. Now I have more time and the pain of losing him seems so raw. Last night at three on the wee hours of the morning I found myself reading all the notes and letters I had received from him over our years together. In a way it felt like he was there with me. Like someone said, it was a love only we shared. It was our way of being together that I miss so very much.

PurpleIris Mon 19-Aug-19 09:56:27

Totallylost,I am so sorry for the loss of your DH.Ive recently lost my beloved Father and as a daughter struggling with my pain,I've often wondered how to help my Mother.To her it might look like I'm ok and getting on with life,I am going through the motions while my heart is truly broken,but to others it may seem that I'm fine.. I'm not fine at all but dealing with my grief in my way.I have said to my siblings that our Mothers grief and loss is different to ours.My brother disagreed.But a partner's grief is way different despite us all loving him.We didn't live with him for 55 years or plan our daily life around him so of course a wife's loss seems greater.I wonder if your daughter is afraid of upsetting you,I know I avoid causing tears when I'm with my M for fear of upsetting her more.On a daily basis I am one comment,one look,one hug from a friend away from balling my eyes out but honestly no one would know that's how I feel.I am also thankful it's summer and my sunglasses have hidden many a tear.
I feel for you and I wouldn't like it if my M thought I'd just got over it and moved on.Us children,no matter how old we get,sometimes don't know how to react when our parents need help as they've always been the ones there helping us 💙

BlueSapphire Fri 23-Aug-19 09:46:17

Thank you Maw. I am now 18 months in (next Tuesday), and still miss DH so much and find every day waking up without him so hard.

The thing that keeps me going is that he would want me to keep going, put a smile and a brave face on and carry on. I feel that I owe it to him to try my best even though my heart is breaking inside. I talk about him all the time to anyone who will listen. And every day I write in my journal, like a letter to him, and tell him what I've been up to; it feels just as though I'm talking to him, and I try to sound up beat, as he would be sad if I wasn't.

I wish so much he was here, sitting in 'his' chair and we could just look up and smile at each other. And then I try to pull myself together and think 'what would be want me to do?' That keeps me going. And just go with the flow.....

Dillyduck Sun 25-Aug-19 22:36:28

Time to find your new life. Get a copy of "Starting Again" by Sarah Litvinoff, although primarily written for divorcees, a lot applies equally to widows. Join "Way Up" a forum for widows/widowers. Then you'll find you are not alone. Go on holiday with a solos company.
Accept that there will always be a hole in your life, it's 13 years since I was widowed, I miss him so much, but I know he'd be proud of me if he could see me now. My first challenge as a widow was to start selling 30 tons of vintage lorry spares to earn a living, more complicated as I was nearly killed in a car accident 3 months after I was widowed, and was hobbling around with a walking stick, and had a son with learning difficulties to support. Once you start doing things just a bit outside your comfort zone, life gets easier.