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Death of my son

(56 Posts)
nessie24 Mon 19-Aug-19 19:30:29

My son died suddenly on the 10th January 2019. I'm trying to get on with the normal things like going back to work to pay the bills but I'm finding it hard. Work are very good and help me all they can but I can't talk about him to them because they don't understand. I feel I can't talk to my family as don't want to upset them. My partner who wasn't my son's dad thinks I should be over the grief by now or he don't know what to say or do. He tries but seems to say the wrong thing. I cry alot because I miss him so much. I only had him for 26 years and I feel half of me has gone with him. I write in a diary to my son everyday and look at photos all the time. I'm not looking for a miracle just advice from people who have been through the same thing or advice from a councilor.

Norman1939 Mon 09-Dec-19 12:04:53

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BlueBelle Sun 08-Dec-19 05:25:16

Reported last post

Urmstongran Mon 02-Dec-19 19:11:48

nessie24 I didn’t want to read and retreat. I have no words of wisdom.

Christmas time will be hard time for you I bet.

💐 these are for you (if you are still on GN). x

Franbern Mon 02-Dec-19 18:54:20

Nessie , my 25 year old youngest child (a son)died tragically in April 2002. I am fortunate that I have five other children. We all know that there is a hole in the family and will never totally recover from this loss.
On the second anniversary of his death I wrote a very bitter little poem, complaining about people who said that 'Time Heals'. They were correct - but a lot longer than two years! That first year is dreadful, everything reminds you of him and what should be happening.
surely, your partner understands your grief - and perhaps he is concerned about talking about it in case it upsets you. I found for the first few months all I wanted to talk about was him - indeed, a member of an cttee I was on, trying to get me to attend, and I was reluctant as I told her I was the worlds prize bore, as all I wanted to talk about was mty son, actually said the lovely words 'Come along and bore us'.
It will take a very long time to start to recover from this death, after about five years it does get slowly better, although never completely passes.
Talk about him, good things as well as bad ones. At first the family came together on the anniversary of his death, after three years we stopped that - and now meet up on his birthday to celebrate his life. All the children in the family (born since his death) know about him and we talk to the about Uncle G. Photographs of him hang in each of our homes, and at family occasions we raise a glass to him.
You are in such early days, talk to your GP, talk to your partner and other family members, do not hug your grief too close to yourself, share it and give yourself lots and lots of time.
This first Christmas and festive season will be hard for you - don't try to pretend everything is okay - it is not.

Beeny Sat 21-Sep-19 23:38:36

I'm new here, having only become a gran a couple of months ago. I'm hoping for a little collective wisdom. My 22 year old son, my granddaughter's father, was killed in a horrific car accident two weeks ago. The funeral is on Tuesday. His girlfriend, of only 18 months, is refusing to give back his watch, which was passed down to him from my father. I would like to give the watch to his twin brother, which is what my father would have wanted. The girlfriend says she wants it for her daughter, but is wearing it every day. I don't know what to do.

GillT57 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:57:00

I have no advice to offer, but I just cannot imagine losing my son who is the same age as yours. Others on here have, sadly, experienced the death of a child and will give better advice than I can. The only thing I would say is that your partner may be clumsy in what he says because he is frightened of your grief, worried that he will say the wrong thing and make things worse, as if that was even possible. So sorry.

BlueBelle Sun 25-Aug-19 18:49:10

Right not write sorry

BlueBelle Sun 25-Aug-19 18:48:24

There are free counselling services but you do have to look around and dragonfly is write talk to the gp we have bereavement counsellors at our local hospital too
Don’t go through this alone please xx

FlyingSolo Sun 25-Aug-19 18:44:23

There might be a hospice near you that offers bereavement counselliing. That's where I went. They didn't charge and your loved one didn't need to be known to them or have used their services before their death. It really is still very early days for you though. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it, there are no shoulds when it comes to grief. x

dragonfly46 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:38:35

nessie you can contact Cruse. They will offer cancelling and do not charge. You could also get help from the GP. I am so sorry you are suffering, losing a child is dreadful and it is so recent.

nessie24 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:29:29

Yes I'm in UK. Ive told m y family I am getting counciling but I'm not as so exspensive and can't afford it as funeral Is costing me so much. I've go £1300 left to pay. I'm trying to get through it alone.

Deedaa Sat 24-Aug-19 20:57:38

A friend of mine has just reminded us that it is 22 years this weekend since her 23 year old son died. Many really good things have happened to her since but the hole he left is still there. A few months is nothing.

Hetty58 Fri 23-Aug-19 12:42:30

Nessie, your partner just plainly doesn't understand and probably worries that he hasn't a clue how to react. Concentrate on looking after yourself as best you can and do whatever makes you feel a little better. Anything else can usually wait!

silverlining48 Wed 21-Aug-19 22:18:44

Nessie you are at the start of a journey that no one wants to take but sadly there are others in your heartbreaking situation who I am sure will do their best to support you if they can. I am so sorry for your loss.

Bikerhiker Wed 21-Aug-19 21:30:39

Nessie i'm so sorry you have lost your precious son. It is such a short time and you must feel so raw. It must be unbearable not to be able to openly express your grief.
In a few days it will be a year since my daughter died and I still need all the support I can get to enable me to process my grief. I had much welcome kindness from posters on this forum. Someone will always listen if you wish to post. A thing I find very helpful is The Compassionate Friends monthly group meeting. Also, if you can afford it, some counselling rather than waiting.
I don't think we will ever get over losing our children but more that the grief will become part of us as we learn to live with it. However, I think this will take its time and we and others cannot put a limit on this.
Please take care. Sending you love. X

nanaK54 Tue 20-Aug-19 18:52:09

I am so sorry for your loss, I send my kindest thoughts to you nessie flowers

Fennel Tue 20-Aug-19 18:01:42

It must be the worst pain nessie. To lose a child. [flowers}

Alygran Tue 20-Aug-19 11:33:54

So sorry for your loss flowers

Nonnie Tue 20-Aug-19 11:16:09

nessie I know exactly how you feel and you won't cope for a long time yet. Don't even try to, just keep on keeping on, that's all you can do. flowers

Kupari45 Tue 20-Aug-19 11:12:30

Nessie, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your son. I can well imagine the pain you are going through.
My daughter died in February 2016 and I'm still feeling very sad. There is just an enormous whole in my life that just cant be filled.
Friends just dont understand, but then unless you have experienced the loss of a child -how can you know what it feels like.
I was advised to see my G.P. -get counselling etc. Well the G.P. wasnt interested and gave me a prescription for anti-depressants- which I threw away. The bereavement counsellor had a waiting list of 9 months. No help there.
What really helped was joining the The Compassionate Friends. You can join in the discussions online-or you can send a private message to someone on the forum. Everyone on that forum has lost a child and knows the pain you are going through.
I do hope you'll consider TCF. My heart goes out to you, you must be very sad.

mosaicwarts Tue 20-Aug-19 08:20:48

Sending you a big hug Nessie, such an unexpected tragedy, I am so very sorry for your unbearable pain.

My best friend's 36 year old stepson was killed in Poland last Christmas, her partner is 76 and still numb with shock. She loved her stepson dearly but has put her grief on hold to support him, he just sits and cries.

I am 350 miles away and unable to help by visiting, but I bought them two books recommended by Cruse - Aspects of Loss: A Companion for Bereaved Parents and Their Families Paperback by Gill Hartley and
A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies by
Anne McCracken. They may have them in your local library, she said the books gave them some small comfort. Her partner had counselling with Cruse, but felt it didn't help.

Just take each day as it comes and remember to be kind to yourself. My daughter is still grieving for her Dad three years on, there is no time limit.

Auntieflo Tue 20-Aug-19 08:10:28

Nessie, you can see from the replies that you have had, that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, just your way.
Condolences, {{{hugs}}} and flowers

Hetty58 Tue 20-Aug-19 08:09:19

Nessie, there's no rush or time limit for grief. Personally, I don't think we should be expected (or expect ourselves) to 'get over it'. Instead, we very gradually get used to it and it eventually becomes less painful. We pick it up and carry it with us. Eventually, it becomes a lighter burden.

Your comment rang a bell with me:

'I feel I can't talk to my family as don't want to upset them.'

We did just that as a family. When you reflect on it later it doesn't make much sense. It's not as if they've all forgotten and you'll remind them by talking about him. We tried so hard not to upset each other. In our case, a long period of not talking about it was followed by a time of talking a lot, as if 'catching up', then just occasionally.

I used to go and have a good cry in the shower or take the dog for a long walk when very distressed. I was worried about upsetting the kids.

Years later, they said I wasn't really there, I was like a robot on autopilot. It scared them. They would have found it far easier if I'd openly cried and they could have comforted me.
So really, I added to the grief by being artificially reserved, brave and quiet about it. We all cried alone instead of together.

Brunette10 Tue 20-Aug-19 07:44:34

No advice Nessie but just wanted to offer my sincere condolences. I can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. Just take each day as it comes, your own way flowers

RosieLeah Tue 20-Aug-19 07:00:21

I also have no advice to give, just want to express my sympathy. Losing your child must be the worse thing that can happen to a parent.
You'll surely never come to terms with it.
Your husband seems very insensitive, you need understanding and gentleness while you adjust to life without your son.