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No-one for support for bereavement due to toxic people.

(25 Posts)
seastar Mon 08-Jun-20 04:04:13

I have posted on here about my toxic family. I didn't realise how bad they were until my lovely husband died almost 2 years ago. I'm the eldest sister who broke the norm by going to university. Since I was 18 yrs old my 2 sisters have been distant in manner although they only live 40 minutes by car away from me. I always had mum and dad to visit though.
My husband died suddenly 2 yrs ago and then 3 months later my dad died. mum is toxic like my sisters and mum is losing her mind. mum moved in with one of my sisters. The other sister wrote me a series of dreadful letters basically condemning my life as a waste and what a horrible person I was. The sister who has mum with her now supported me for 2 weeks when my husband died and then she expected me to stop grieving/crying and to get on with life and stop bothering her. Both sisters - their families and mum have banned me from their lives. I now have no-one. Suddenly, I found I had no birthday cards or Christmas cards. I am truly alone. In desperation I got a part time job and a nice colleague/man showed an interest in me. He has turned out to be really weird and at times frightening - luckily I didn't go out with him. So, I'm in a mess.
I tried to get jobs done around the house that my husband had planned to do but now money has run out and I'm thinking well what's the point anyway - no-one is going to visit me. I sleep through the day and night off and on and the days are just a waste.
It's coming up to the anniversary of my husband's death and also my birthday. I will get no cards or anyone thinking of my husband. I'm all alone in the world. I've spent several nights and days crying my heart out. I miss my husband so much. If I died tomorrow no-one would notice or grieve for me.
I have always tried to be loving, kind and considerate but I have always ended up being bullied or alone. I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone and treat people with respect.
I'm missing my husband dreadfully. He was the love of my life. I know I need some help so I have contacted talking therapy but due to the Covid situation it may take months before they get around to me. My doctors can't cope as they now only have one doctor- the other was sent to prison and struck off. I've tried to keep myself occupied, going for walks, hobbies but this isn't working anymore.
Has anyone got any good ideas that I can do in order to cope with the loss of my husband? Please don't be nasty in replying as I'm already squashed into the floor and stamped on.
I must be a really horrid person to end up losing a beloved husband, not being able to have children, a toxic family, bullied twice at work and to wind up so alone. Why me?

OceanMama Mon 08-Jun-20 05:54:59

Hi seastar. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. This is a hard time to be alone with lock downs and services being in short supply, if available at all. It also makes it hard to think about making social connections outside the home as so many groups are not operating. Good on you for taking the initiative to contact someone for talking therapy. That's a great start.

In the current situation, I wonder if you have considered an online group for support for widows (Facebook has some) or some services might have meetings by Zoom or other platforms? In time, face to face groups will resume. Either support or hobby groups. Of course, you can always talk here.

I'm sure you're not a horrible person. It sounds like you've had a lot of bad luck and losses that were not your fault.

1Appleby Mon 08-Jun-20 06:26:37

Good morning seastar
I’m sorry for your loss and the sadness in your life.
My husband died 14 years ago but I did have a loving and supportive family- I still felt bereft and alone with overwhelming feelings of the loss of my best friend for over 35 years. I found reading about people’s thoughts on coping with their loss helped me. The one that especially helped was called ‘Death and How to Survive It’ by Kate Boydell. She lost her husband suddenly like I lost mine. She speaks honestly and describes the pain of loss very well, but she gives you hope. There is also a website that she runs called Merrywidows which gives practical help and support from others who are going or have gone through the same thing.
My best wishes to you seastar, May you find peace.

jenpax Mon 08-Jun-20 07:05:04

Sorry to hear your story and that you feel so alone.
I don’t know your family (or you) obviously, so I can’t guess why your family have turned their back on you. But I do think you need to look outward as much as possible (difficult I know in lock down). Several good suggestions have been made, and I wonder too if some volunteering might help? It would give you a focus outside yourself, and I know charities like food banks are still desperately needing helpers. You didn’t say your age or if you were shielding so I assume not.
Do you have any friends you can contact for a bit of support? Also CRUSE might be a good idea in respect to your very natural struggles with bereavement.

BlueBelle Mon 08-Jun-20 07:18:33

seastar I remember when you wrote about this before and you are obviously still suffering and no further forward, it’s such a shame this virus has probably set all the ‘helping organisations’ back and would definitely made you more lonely and isolated

You do need counselling in my opinion that is the only way to sort this tangle out so get on a list nowM even if it doesn’t happen yet, please seek out some voluntary groups for Bereavement when my daughters partner died she sought help from WAY (widowed and young) and 13 years on she still is in contact with some friends she made (I m not sure how old you are but you don’t have to be very young to belong) if you are older I m sure there are other similar groups which can be physical (after lockdown) or online

You have two things going on here and you can’t solve them both at once get help for your bereavement and then later seek help for your tangled family emotions
You are not all alone in the world we can all be here to support you if you keep talking to us

Sparkling Mon 08-Jun-20 07:35:53

I think this is a particularly bad time to be alone. It's unnatural. A lot of us, unless we die early, end up alone. I realise although I have a family, no one would be shattered if I was to die, but I live for me, I find things that interest me and people and I think it's true that if you think about others that you meet and help them as much as you can, you get a happiness from that. There is a lot of people out there that really need help. Volunteers at Food Banks at the moment, helping elderly get shopping and prescriptions, anything to stop you being on your own in four wall and dwelling on what you have lost. That will always be there, but for a while you will be consentrating on others You sound young, life is not over for you, it's not for me at seventy.

lemongrove Mon 08-Jun-20 09:07:38

I remember reading this before ( last year?) apart from the covid-19 part of course.
seastar you do need help, I can see that.GP, vicar/priest?

seastar Mon 08-Jun-20 09:42:44

I'm 62 yrs old. I didn't have a good childhood. Then at 18 I went to university and had to live away from home. I couldn't afford to go home at weekends. My family didn't come to see me. Once I got my degree I stayed where I went to University. Still my family never visited. I learnt how to drive and so later visited them. One sister flirted with some of my boyfriends - kissing and sitting on their knees and the other felt that because I'd gone to university I was now too educated to talk to. I had got a car and had bought a flat and they were in council houses. This didn't bother me but it bothered them. They thought I had a better life than them which I tried to tell them I didn't. I helped them out as best I could with support and money and asked for nothing back. I looked after their kids (nieces and nephews) during school holidays and taught them crafts of all kinds, learnt about wildflowers, insects, trees , went fishing with a net and jam jar but always put the fish back, took them on trips, built snowmen etc - all of course with my sisters permission and mum (their nan) also joined in. No -one said thanks even though it took 40 mins x 2 to drive over to them and back and cost a lot in money. Still, I did it to help out my mum who had to look after the kids during holidays and also because I enjoyed being with my nieces and nephews. Both my sisters were not happy in their marriages whereas when I met my husband we were extremely happy. I could not have had a more loving and good husband. We thought the same. Sisters got divorced several times and ended up marrying men much younger than them by 10 years. Then 2 years ago my husband died followed by my dad 3 months later, then a loved cousin 6 months later. My sister took photos of my dad when he was dying without his permission to see if she could see his soul leave his body. She posted them on FB. This upset me greatly and I said it wasn't a decent thing to do. My sister said she didn't want me in her life and that was it. I was so upset and grieving at the time that neither sister told me that dad was in hospital. I happened to be on FB and saw a post on my other sister's page saying RIP Dad. Both sisters wouldn't let me know where the funeral was to be even though I asked. Couldn't ask mum as she was at my sisters house and I was banned. Now my sister has control over mum's money and our inheritance. So, I suspect money is at the bottom of our estrangement. I don't care about inheritance I'd rather be allowed to see my mum. She is 88 yrs old. Unfortunately mum is losing her memories so she may not know me now. Because I'm banned from visiting I write letters and send flowers etc to mum. I never here anything back so I don't know if she gets them. Now my sister has moved so I don't know where to send cards etc to mum anymore.
From the moment I met my husband I knew he was the one for me. He was so special, loving, kind and thoughtful. We couldn't have children as my hormones were all wrong. Then without warning, 2 years ago, he collapsed suddenly and was unconscious. Within 20 mins he was dead and my life stopped. I turned to my sisters for support. One said she wasn't interested and that she had problems of her own and the other sister expected me to be okay after 2 weeks of grief. Both sisters abandoned me and cut themselves off. So, I've been all alone grieving. I don't make friends easily and so had no-one that I could call upon. Loads of other things have happened. Too many to put here but basically my life has been crap and full of trauma and heartache apart from the lovely times with my husband. I won't know about my mum and won't even know if she has died so I try to keep an eye on FB for any news. I love my mum. My life seems to be over.

seastar Mon 08-Jun-20 09:46:26

I'm waiting for talking therapy to help me but I haven't heard anything yet. I am on anti depressants and tranquilisers which keep me sleepy. Also I've discovered toffee ice cream which helps but I'm putting on weight. I'm starting to look like a 62 yr old hippo!

OceanMama Mon 08-Jun-20 10:14:37

Seastar, I feel very much alone, I lost a child not so very long ago and I often feel like my life is over. Sometimes I do think about giving up and just being a hermit for as long as I am required to remain on earth. What would your advice to me be? If you can think of what your advice to me would be, maybe that is advice you can apply to yourself?

I'm not trying to make this all about me, I just find that if we think about what we would tell someone else, we can find answers for ourselves.

BlueBelle Tue 09-Jun-20 05:22:22

How are you today Seastar ? Do check with whoever you are waiting for counselling with to make sure you are still on the list and ask for an estimated time of being seen and in the meantime (because I think you will be waiting a long time) search online for helpful things to do while you are waiting
Don’t just sit in this state for the next couple of years

The NHS has some very helpful websites for self help you have spent many years waiting to feel better but it won’t magically happen you have to make it happen
Here is one but you can look for others yourself

I think it’s important to get bereavement help first because the rest has waited all your life

Eloethan Tue 09-Jun-20 22:55:30

seastar I was so sorry to hear you are feeling so sad and alone.

You say you are awaiting counselling - which I think is a good idea - but, in the meantime, perhaps it would help to phone the Samaritans. You don't have to be suicidal to seek their support but you are obviously feeling very unhappy and it might help to talk it through with someone.

I do hope some of the suggestions on here will be of help to you.

Namsnanny Thu 25-Jun-20 17:31:34

seastar ..... I have been checking to see if you are around. Clearly you haven't left a message.

If you do read, please leave a post. Or pm some of the above people, I'm sure they would like to hear from you.

I have sent you a personal message if you would like to read it.
In case you dont know, click on the orange box at the top of the page marked In Box.

Please dont suffer alone. We may not know you well, but we can empathise and I for one would love to hear more about your life, if you would like to share.

seastar Tue 18-Aug-20 00:14:39

I have been given 30 min counselling via phone every 2 weeks for 6 sessions- I had my first session today which lasted 15 mins and now the counsellor can't phone me until September!
I am so low. I tried to approach my doctor but the doctor only spoke via the receptionist and totally dismissed my mental health. Instead the doctor compounded my problems by going on about how my diabetes is out of control and asked me to get blood tests done and urine sample. I know diabetes has to be taken seriously but I'm struggling to live from day to day with my mental health -I spend my days crying and sleeping.
Due to my toxic family, my husband dying, my dad dying and having no friends I am all alone except for my daughter. She lives with me but is in the same situation as me, We have no-one.
Some Gransnetters have been quite cruel to me in that they have posted not very nice comments. I am 100% telling the truth. I have no reason to lie on any of the forums. I know that there are two sides to a story but I have been honest in my descriptions of my traumas.
A counsellor once commented that my childhood has been terrible and that my family are toxic. I have been severely bullied all my life by different people - I have been told that I have been a victim because I'm "too nice". I have empathy and don't wish to hurt anyone. I just want to be loved.
I could just about cope when my husband was alive but then he suddenly died very quickly with no warning at the age of 56 - this was 2 years ago.
I can't stop crying and I'm so worried about my daughters' future because if I die she is totally alone in the world. My family- sisters - have been so cruel and it seems to be down to jealousy. I worked harder at school - got qualifications- had a good career ( even though I was bullied in my jobs) - saved and bought a nice home. My sisters never worked hard, had 4 divorces each, took drugs, stole from people and spent money either on drugs or alcohol. I mention it here but I have NEVER mentioned this to them as I respect their choices in life. It's their decision how they live their lives but in so doing they have been so cruel to me. I have been lonely all my life but I give people nothing but love.
When mu husband died I turned to my sisters and they were great for a short time and after about a month they expected me to be over my grief. I loved my husband so much. He was a wonderful, kind man and I will always miss him.
I have suffered alone for many years and I hoped my family would help me but they chose instead to be cruel.
I'm sorry I didn't reply but I have been so low. I can't take any more nastiness in life. I've had enough of being hurt. Thanks to all you lovely gransnetters who have been so thoughtful, kind and helpful. I feel as though I don't deserve it. I just want to:
1) Have a good, safe and loving future for my daughter.
2) I want my sisters back and my mum
3) I want my husband back - I know this one is impossible
4) I want to be happy and stop worrying about old age

By nature I don't want to hurt anyone, I love animals and nature, I love learning new things and I am 100% genuine and honest. So, why have I ended up having a life full of hurt? I don't know. My love to you all and thank you.

Sorry I have gone on a bit> I starting to bore myself! LOL as people say.

annsixty Tue 18-Aug-20 01:28:52

Sorry here but where did your D suddenly come from?

Scribbles Tue 18-Aug-20 08:14:33

The OP says above that she couldn't have children because of a hormone problem. Now, she has a daughter. Adoption? A miracle? I don't want to be unpleasant but I am confused.

grannysyb Tue 18-Aug-20 08:18:05

I'm confused as well!

tickingbird Tue 18-Aug-20 08:34:40

Hmm....suddenly a daughter??

Namsnanny Tue 18-Aug-20 09:22:28

I'm so sorry this is on going seastar. I have no advice, just didn't want to not tell you I wish you well.

Alexa Tue 18-Aug-20 11:00:44

You are a good person who has encountered scratchy people.

I do understand that you had a lovely husband so naturally you wish for that sort of one to one relationship again.

What a good thing you can recognise when a man is "weird"!
There are a lot of funny characters about.

You need to get your priorities in order, Seastar.
The "jobs around the house" could perhaps be put on the back burner for now? Although I don't of course know what these jobs are, perhaps resting yourself should be more important than house maintenance. You are a very worthwhile person, and I wish I knew you personally.

You need your precious physical health and fitness to deal with the psychological traumas. There is such a thing as emotional energy and yours is pretty well used up and no wonder! Do try to be good to yourself and get into a better eating habit than ice cream. I know the doctor's tests are a pest when you are feeling so low, but do try to get your physical health back on track. You have done so much good work in your life and now it's time to work for your own and your daughter's benefits. That would be a really good use for your precious emotional energy.

It would be nice to not be bothered about your sisters any more. You probably can't do this all of a sudden , it's a matter of getting into the habit of not dwelling on thoughts of them and instead dragging your mind away from these memories by thinking about something else, even if the 'something else ' is a trivial thought such as the latest episode of a soap.
I will be thinking about you and hoping you progress.

Chewbacca Tue 18-Aug-20 11:05:51

not being able to have children

^ all alone except for my daughter^.

Is this a step daughter seastar?

lemongrove Tue 18-Aug-20 11:25:00

Your sisters have both been divorced four times each?
That doesn’t sound realistic at all.hmm

lemongrove Tue 18-Aug-20 11:27:42

Plus...not being able to have children, being ‘all alone in the world’ and now you suddenly have a daughter?
Is somebody ‘aving a laff’ ?!

Chewbacca Tue 18-Aug-20 11:37:19

It could be a step daughter from her deceased husband?

Msida Sun 13-Sep-20 20:38:38

Hi just joined smile looking to share and speak to people that have lost their husband or wife, just lost my husband 1st August. Been having dreams that he is here still, people been telling me all sorts about why I'm dreaming about him regularly.