Disapproval of what I'm doing

Thank you all for your fantastic messages. It has made me realise that yes I have created a new identity for myself in these people's eyes, as they have not been my friends long enough to know that I used to do all sorts of things before my husband's illness!

Icanhandthemback I did laugh at the is it immoral - well that would be understandable then wouldn't it but it is quite the opposite!!

My trouble as always is that I try to keep everyone happy but not on this one, no way.

Keep your fingers crossed/prayers going for my daughter who is a matter of concern.

TillyWiz - you are special - I do hope your daughter makes a full recovery

If it is the men who are making the disapproving noises that's cos they are control freaks.

You might be giving their wives ideas so they won't be running around after the husbands

The women are jealous you are able to do it. Its about them. Not you. They arent friends to behave like that

I also lost my husband 2 years ago and have managed to build an ok life for me, with family, friends and voluntary work too. Fortunately those around me are supportive

Oh for goodness sake what is there in your volunteering that they could possibly disapprove of? It seems to me you are a very sensible woman who has had much to deal with of late I'm sorry for your loss which you are grieving completely appropriately . Continue to enjoy your volunteering and finding your way through creating your new stage in life Tell the disapprovers to sod off

I agree that it says more about the friends' husbands who are the ones disapproving: they're worried for themselves that their wives won't be devastated if they die.

My Dad cared for my Mum at home until she died from Alzheimer's.
The following month he went on a cruise by himself. They used to holiday a lot and he'd really missed going away.

It's whatever works for you x

Some things in life run too deep for tears - and we all grieve in our own way and out own time. If you have found something that helps, then people who wish you well would (and should) be pleased.
I read: 'Other people's opinion of you is none of your business'. I thought about it - and it is a liberating remark. You must do what is best for you, and can't live a life that someone else thinks you should.

TillyWhiz you’re doing great. I’m sorry your daughter has been so ill I hope she is in recovery?

I agree with Caro57.

Take care ?

*What have your friends got to disapprove about? You are doing what is right for you and making a great job of it, by the sound of things. It's your life, not theirs"

Philomena sums it up perfectly. Do what ever you need to help yourself!

Tilly, you might want to look at the brilliant online support group called Way Up, there are lots of us on there posting with similar things, and getting very supportive answers from others who have similar experiences. I have learnt so much thanks to the Way Up site.

You are doing what you feel is right for you. Grief is different for everyone and how a person deals with it is also different. Good for you in volunteering why anyone would think that is inappropriate goodness knows. Do hope your daughter's health has improved.

I imagine these "friends" as you call them have suddenly realised that they will die one day , now that your husband has died and are offended by the thought that their wives might manage to cope with their loss, as you are coping with the loss of your husband.

Don't listen to them. You have not needed to make a display of your grief. This does not mean you don't miss your husband, but probably that you are relieved that his sufferings are over.

You also have a daughter with ill-health and naturally you are concerned about her.

I am very sorry that you have lost your husband and have a daughter who is ill.

Please do not let others dictate to you what you should feel or how you should live your life.

I really don’t understand what they are disapproving of.

Strange friends you have.

Ignore them.

TillyWhizz. I think Goldenage & Greengran have said it all. I think you are amazing to volunteer and think of other people after all you have been through. Hoping your DD is on the road to recovery. It is nothing to do with your "friends" what you do. As the saying goes, ' if those that matter don't mind, then those that mind don't matter'. Keep on with the good work, your DH would be proud of you.

TillyWhiz
Like you I cannot understand the mind set of these people.
As for the older men I am inclined to believe they can only dream of having a wife such as the likes of yourself with your strength and courage .Keep up the good work.

Are you volunteering for something immoral or something? Why would it bother them what you are doing? It sounds to me like they don't have enough to worry about. Just ignore them and carry on. Well done for being such a lovely person to keep giving a bit of yourself after all you've been through.

You are doing great. The world needs volunteers in these COVID times, and here you are - making the world a better place for others.

Frankly, I don't see what business it is, of anyone let alone men, to comment on your life. Is there a touch of control freakery here do you think? That as a now single woman it is up to them to ensure you are only engaging in pursuits they approve of? Or do they feel uncomfortable about a woman picking up the pieces of her life successfully? Are they ultimately worried that their wives will be able to function without them?

If so, tough. Do what is right for you, not them.

Oh TanaMa your husband’s altruism was amazing. I do hope you feel some consolation from that. A shame his side of the family were not accepting but not all of us can be as brave and clear sighted as your husband seems to have been. Personally I’m grateful for his and your fortitude.

Never let your life be defined by what other people think.

You .sound as if you a very bra eve and caring person. If you have not so far dissolved into tears, remember everyone deals with bereavement in their own way, there is no right or wrong. "A blaring cow forgets it's calf the soonest" which is an old West country saying.
It will be five years tomorrow that my husband died and I expect I shall shed a quiet, private tear but that is all.

Embrace what you are doing and enjoy it. How anyone deals with grief - anticipatory or otherwise - is their business and their's alone. If your 'face to face' friends don't want to hear about it please tell us - it's sounds wonderful

How do your friends know what form your grieving takes, behind closed doors? I wouldn’t let their remarks get to you. If they do, maybe it’s time to make some new friends.
Some people I know, all adults with families, are forever on Facebook about how much they miss their mother, who died four years ago. It’s almost as if they compete in being sad, and I’m sometimes tempted to tell them to ‘get a grip, and move on’. I wouldn’t dream of doing so, though. Everyone has their own way of dealing with bereavement.
When my DH died, suddenly, after suffering bad health for quite a few years, I admit to feeling relief, not grief. Glad that he was free of the life that had become a burden to him, with all its indignities. I think that he was ready to go. I also think that I had done my grieving for the life he could no longer enjoy, and shed no tears for a long time afterwards.
You have had a tough time, and now your are feeling your way into a new kind of life. If that includes doing things that meet with others’ disapproval, well, frankly, my dear, you shouldn’t give a damn!

Grief takes us in different ways and no one person has the right to criticise another in their way of handling it, especially not if those “friends” criticising have not experienced death of a close loved one.
You looked after your dh for a long long time and then had the worry of your daughter’s cancer which meant you were forced to concentrate on something else as you supported her. I do hope she is in a good state of recovery.
After my son died our family helped raise a lot of money for his special charity. We felt we had permission to get involved in life again because we were doing that and I recommend it as a positive in an otherwise negative situation. Your voluntary work similarly is not just for you but for others and you are to be commended. You have discovered giving can be good for everyone concerned. Would your friends were more compassionate.

I imagine your friends want to ‘look after’ you and are miffed because you are leading your own life. Good on you!! There’s no right or wrong way to deal with what has happened. Good luck for the future ?

Not quite the same situation but similar. Since my husband's sudden but natural death, his side of the, quite large, family have not been supportive because he had decided he wanted his body to go to medical research. Obviously there was no funeral just a memorial of his life. Sad as I was, this was what he wanted.

TillyWhiz my heart just goes out to you. You have had so much of life's seriously hard stuff to deal with in a very short space of time. You are doing a great job. Concentrate on what you feel you need to do. Some "friends" will inevitably fall by the wayside at this time. Let them go and treasure those who have helped and supported you. It's times like these that we truly know who are our real friends. ?