Not a tear.

Enjoy your new found liberty. Some mothers don’t deserve having a tear shed for them.

Missfoodlove I mourned my mum and still miss her ...that is because she was a great Mum!

Yours was clearly not! Your relief and sense of having a few years without a black cloud is just as it should be.

I didn't cry at my mum's funeral, but I loved her dearly. I purposely didn't allow myself to cry as I didn't want my 2 sons (13 and 10 then) to see me so upset. I did my crying in private.

When my MIL died, I didn't shed a tear, but for different reasons - she wasn't a very nice person, she'd been a bitch to me for many years, and it wasn't any loss when she went.

TBH, love hurts. It's best not to love too much.

i'm sorry you didn't have a parent you could look up to.
it's no one else's business how you react.
did you have a father you could relate to.
or any other father/mother-like figure in your life.
sometimes we find inspiration from the most unassuming people.
all the best.

Thank you all, it’s good to know I’m not alone.

I’m not cold or nasty, just want a few years to enjoy my life without her hanging over me like a black cloud.

There are no rules for grieving, it is a very personal experience.

You are not the first person who has expressed being relieved when an abusive parent passes away.

Different for me because mum and I were close. We'd lost dad 25 years before and we spent quiet a lot of time together.
When she died she had been living with dementia for 3 yrs. I'd done my grieving during that time and I think one friend in particular was aghast at the fact I didn't shed a tear on the day of the funeral.
When my cantankerous, selfish aunt died last year my cousin an only child who had been at aunt's beck and call admitted she was relieved.
We are all different. If you had a strained relationship with the deceased then it's natural. Better that than crocodile tears.

Do not let it trouble you Missfoodlove - yours is an honest reaction.

Move on in your life, and do not be swayed by what others feel.

My Mum was Jekyll and Hyde and there were so many times when she made the lives of others difficult. Hard to mourn that really. I was sad that things could not have been different, but it is what it is.

Maybe things might hit you later ? Tears might come NOT for the loss of the mother that you HAD , but for the mother you wanted to have ?

I remember when my Granny died my mother said that it felt like she'd been released from a cage , I hope my daughters don't think of me like that ...........it's very sad

It’s a strange feeling, the relief is tinged with sadness as it should have been so different.
My father was an aggressive bully and my mother a narc, not the best role models!!
Her priest who conducted the ceremony was also a narc, the service was all about him, he even omitted a reading I chose and replaced it with a ghastly poem.

It's very strange. I had a terrible childhood. My father was a violent, selfish, abusive, manipulative man. No way should he have had children. My upbringing has left me with so many problems, yet I was upset when he died. I have no idea why.

MissA your reaction was just a truthful one.There is enough hypocrisy in the world as it is.
Sorry that you had such a Mother though, it goes against anything that we think of as maternal doesn't it?

lovebeigecardigans1955

I felt a quick and sudden catch of my breath (for about five seconds) after taking the phone call from my sister to tell me that my awful bully of a father had died. That was it.

I knew in my heart of hearts that it was a relief all round as we were finally free of his horrible behaviour. Four adult children and we all behaved differently. Although (in my eyes) he seemed to be the worst to me I seemed to have reacted best in the end. I'd sort of 'worked through' his nastiness and made peace with it.

His 'character' was fairly well known in the family so I don't think they were surprised at the lack of tears at his funeral. Sadly, there were more problems for my siblings in the longer term but it's not relevant to go into them here.

Your first paragraph is an excellent description of my reaction on hearing my mother had died. I didn’t cry nor did my sister but my brother did. I hadn’t loved her for many years and although she loved us all I’m sure, she didn’t show it and was always always “difficult”,

I felt a quick and sudden catch of my breath (for about five seconds) after taking the phone call from my sister to tell me that my awful bully of a father had died. That was it.

I knew in my heart of hearts that it was a relief all round as we were finally free of his horrible behaviour. Four adult children and we all behaved differently. Although (in my eyes) he seemed to be the worst to me I seemed to have reacted best in the end. I'd sort of 'worked through' his nastiness and made peace with it.

His 'character' was fairly well known in the family so I don't think they were surprised at the lack of tears at his funeral. Sadly, there were more problems for my siblings in the longer term but it's not relevant to go into them here.

I was a whipping boy for my mother for 70 years. When she died at 94 I felt like I had been Released from prison after a life sentence.

I cared for her her whole life without a word of thanks or appreciation, just cruelty. After a stroke she spent 6 weeks in hospital until she died. There were so many others sitting by the beds of dying relatives. I kept thinking how hard this would be if I loved her. I was emotionally barren.

When both my mother and father died, when I was in my early 20's. I felt no remorse, the only emotion I felt was guilt, for as much as I tried, I couldn't mourn or cry and was subsequently called out as being heartless by my relations, who disowned me. I finally 'confessed' this during therapy, and was gently shown that although through our lives we are told we should love our father and mother, actually it's not true - it's hard to love someone who's been cruel throughout our childhood, leaving a negative view on our life. I accept now that not everyone did/does love their parents. Throughout my life I've tried to make sure my own children didn't have to go through what I did - they're happy, well balanced adults, to me the change has begun.

Another one here who felt a sort of release, tinged with slight sadness that our relationship could have been so much better, but it wasn’t so I accepted that and I hope you can too.
Mothers ,or anyone for that matter, are not all loving and nurturing, it doesn’t just arrive with the name, get on with your easier life now.
Best wishes.

Several family members have died who we were estranged from. We grieved what we had lost years before, not the actual death.

Perhaps the fact that only 4 of you were present was better for you than if there had been a lot of people.
You could feel true to how it really was, if that makes sense.

I felt the same as you Missfoodlove; relief and very little else. Certainly no guilt, shame or embarrassment. Just relief.

Regardless of who the person is, we all react differently to death and I don't think we can call our feelings wrong in general.

I think your reaction can be normal, but it can also be quite normal to mourn when the person passes because it's a loss of the possibility of things ever being different with them.