What best to say to or do for a new widow?

@Jillybird Your neighbour came to YOU. She trusted you to give her what she needed - a good cry - and you did. That is a precious and special bond.

Why are people advocating hugs during a pandemic? It’s hard but her son could potentially give her Covid along with that hug. They clearly don’t live together. I had to process the death of my mother on my own, didn’t want sympathetic looks or hugs or even conversation. My father died in May but I wasn’t as upset although others seemed to assume I would be. Everyone deals with grief in different ways.

Our neighbour's husband died last Nov. from lung cancer. He and my husband had been very close over the previous year or 2 working on diy projects together.
The poor man knew he was going to die within a short time and so his family knew. I wasn't so close with her as her daughter and ggD lived there too. there's also a very caring son and his wife.
But I think my husband really misses him and helps when she has diy problems.
As soon as we heard about the death I wrote them a hearfelt letter and we went to the burial - the family is Catholic.

As someone said earlier help with form filling and even sitting in on important phone calls. I remember my head being so in the shed, I came off the phone trying to sort out a pension one day and just sobbing because as soon as I put the phone down I couldn’t recall a single thing the advisor had said. I think it would have helped enormously if I’d had someone there and my phone on loudspeaker.
As for people bringing food it wouldn’t have helped me as my appetite vanished completely but it may suit someone else as we’re all different. I had to keep cooking anyway for my four year old dd but even when I was cooking her food I had no inclination to actually eat any. There may as well have been cardboard in the pans for all the affect it had on me. Which was so unlike me as I have always loved my food.
One that really got to me was when people said I was brave. I hated that because all I was doing was trying to carry on as normal for my dd. It was just before Christmas and I had to attend my dds nativity play, everybody was surprised I was actually there but life for my daughter had to carry on as near normal as possible.
I won first prize in the raffle that year and to this day I’m convinced that it was rigged in my favour.
I did my crying at night and when she was at school.
Don’t be afraid to ask how your neighbour is because it shows you care.
I loved the chance to speak about my lovely husband so don’t be afraid to mention her husband’s name.
She’s blessed to have a caring friend such as yourself.

In the days before Covid if a friend or nieghbour died I'd hand in a large fruit cake. I knew from experience that there could be lots of visitors requiring/expecting refreshment and a good cut and come again cake seemed to be welcome. Fewer visitors these days though.
The general admin required can be surprising. When Dad died we divided it up between us. As another poster said, be sure and get lots of copies of the death certificate.
Mostly just be around and keep being around in one way or another. After the initial flurry of activity and the funeral there can come a deeper realisation that life has changed completely. That's when you find out who your real friends are - and they're not necessarily who you think they might be.

Harrigran,I think you are spot on.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving,.
When my friend telephoned me to say that her husband had died suddenly Iasked her when she would like me to come over.
I went to see her a few days later and I really sat and listened to her talk .
She did say that someone said the fact that A had died before her had saved him the pain of having to bear her death should she have died first.
She found that a comfort.
I found she did want to reminisce a lot .
Just be a good listener and cup of tea maker.

I think Humbertbert is right. Just be there, a quiet presence offering support. Shopping, a trip out, coffee. Please don’t give up after a few weeks, so many do. I lost my parents and husband in eighteen months. People would cross the road if they saw me coming. They didn’t know what to say. I used to make the first move and that made it easier for all. Six months down the road you know who your friends are.

When the chap next door came round one day to tell me his wife had died, I gave him a really big hug and said I will put the kettle on. He then sat down and poured out his grief and what had happened. After that I always plated up an extra dinner on Sundays and took it around. After a while I often use to give him a plate of whatever we had during the week..At first he felt embarrassed about accepting and wanted to pay. So I agreed with him that when we ever had fish (which we did often) he would pay for the fish bought for him.

When our baby died, my husband said to me that there were going to be times when he got things wrong, either verbally or by deed, but his intention would always be to try to make me feel better. It made his occasional faux pas much easier to bear. When someone is in a bad way now for whatever reason, I tell them that I often have foot in mouth syndrome so I get things wrong but I my aim is to support them anyway I can so just tell me what they want and not to feel thy can't tell me to back off if that is what thy need.

When my friend's son died in a car crash I just dropped a casserole on their porch with a note to say I was tger 24/7 if needed. She told me afterwards I got it just right. They got so many flowers they had them in piles in the garage. Some people even gave them rose bushes! Just what they needed to have to plant the damned things.
Friends mean well but just do not think it through.

I think it is very helpful if you give the bereaved a chance to talk about the deceased. Sometimes people are embarrassed to do so but I think to talk about them is sometimes what the widow wants to do.

When my husband died suddenly at 51 of a heart attack I remember a whole heap of lasagnes coming from neighbours which we ate gratefully as there was no energy for cooking. We went through a lot of tea coffee biscuits and milk. Some people say the conventional things and it sounds more heartfelt and comforting than you think. Other people told me insensitive stories about heart attack victims being saved by paramedics or surgery. I wanted to shake them.
One close friend drove me to the hospital to collect the certificate and to the registrar to register his death. All of these things have to be done straightaway and I couldn’t concentrate enough to drive myself. Pay for multiple copies of the death certificate as everyone wants proof and only the original will do and you have to send so many away simultaneously.
People’s expectations are that you will “get over it” or bounce back or somehow be your old self but just like having children changes you, losing your partner is not like anything else “ it is what it is! “ nothing is like death. It’s human nature to move on and want to get on with life but as a widow I know that not a day goes by where I don’t miss him and go over events and wonder if things could have been different.
Some people who were friends with us as a couple couldn’t cope with me on my own. I have actually moved away from the area when I retired and have a fresh start with new interests and new friends. Anyone who really valued my friendship has kept in touch.
Polnan, I think this happening to you during lockdown Is particularly hard. You will be heartsore. The sense of loss doesn’t go away but you learn how to live with it eventually. Happy for you to private message me.

I agree with others Jillybird who said it’s okay to cry. I know I found it a comfort. I also noticed that some people seem to be waiting for me to mention the Bodach before they do, possibly for fear they ‘ upset me’, but again, everybody’s different.
I know I am finding it very difficult to try to adjust to life on my own, as everyday life has not returned to ‘normal’, and it’s easy to make Covid the excuse not to try adjust to doing things on my own, as that might mean I’ll have to face up to it, if that makes sense. That’ll be the denial phase of grief, I imagine.I would suggest that your friend will take her own time, and you sound as if you’re doing a good job of taking things at her pace by asking for comments here.

lovebooks, someone said to me a few months after, ‘You’re young you could find someone else’.

When my sister's DH died she informed me by text as it was midnight and she was sitting in a taxi on her way home from the hospital, I replied expressing our sorrow.
The next morning I rang my sister to say everything that could not be put in a text and she cut me short saying she was way too busy to talk.
I think you just say and do what you think is right at the time, there is no right or wrong when it comes to talking to the grieving.

We can’t hug at the moment, but in any case I would only hug friends, not neighbours, ( unless you have a really good relationship with them.) Some people really don’t want to be hugged either.The same with taking plates of food round, it can be unwanted.It all depends if their own families are much in evidence as well, and helping with the practical things.
In my view it’s better to invite for coffee, make a cake etc much later on and to keep in contact, ask if they would like to go shopping etc.

I think she may need her son more than she realised at the moment.
When someone reaches an advanced age, there is a strange expectation that they will live forever and you can't imagine a time when they won't be there.
As your neighbour said, she expected that everything round the house would look different, but it doesn't. For a while you are in a little bubble and it's as if someone else is making all of the arrangements and not you!
You don't necessarily need to say much at all really. Just be like a sounding board for her , invite her round for coffee or just pop round and let her talk. Don't be offended at the moment if she refuses your invitation or turns you away. Just let her know that you are there next door if she needs to get away from the house. Unless you are a close friend of hers, leave it at that. She may turn up on your doorstep every day or you might not see her for the next few months, it will just be how she is grieving.

Jillybird. Don't feel bad about crying with your friend. You crying with her would have helped her.

I agree that a hug is the best thing, but as Jillybird says this is not a sensible thing to do at present. We need to try to express the hug in words from 2 metres away.

I know when my sister was bereaved she said a few weeks later she really missed a hug. I made a point of always giving her one and also got my husband to do the same. People are all different. Just gentle contact can be enough eg a knock to say you plan on going shopping wiukd she like to go too just to get out for a while. Just every day things that perhaps a bit of company would make easier.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Always offer something definite. Invite her into tea/ supper. Knock and ask what shopping she needs etc. Allow her time to talk to you. Open invitations such ‘let me know if you need anything’ are no help at all

When my grandfather died in 1946, aged 31 and leaving 3 young children, his best friend's wife said to my poor grandma,' Well at least you won't miss him as much as I'd miss Jim if he went. We go dancing three times a week but you two hardly went anywhere.'

Just be there to listen when she needs you.

Where I live (Tajikistan, similar culture to Iran, without the extremism) when someone dies (and April and May I saw plenty of funerals in my neighbourhood) the immediately bereaved don’t go out, or to work, or cook, or watch TV, for 40 days. Slightly more distant family (nieces, cousins) come and cook, or bring food, and then go away. It really seems a good and caring way of doing things.