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Hi, Im new here and I'm suffering badly, lost my dad in April and cannot cope

(12 Posts)
Stortfordrose Thu 17-Sep-20 16:48:08

I lost my dad in April this year, he was found collapsed by he's bed, and was dead, i fell out with my sisters years ago when i got divorced, and only found out about my dad when i went to phone him , got in touch with the mobile park home he lived at and was told he died, tried to contact my sisters, left a message on facebook , well my sister went to my dads the day after he died, got all the documents and told me im an executor along with her in my dads will, i asked for a copy of the will, they just sent it in an e mail, which i could not read, so her husband typed it out and i printed it out, not good, my other sister was only give a third of the money we get for my dads mobile home, which my younger sister was annoyed at, and myself and my younger sister get the rest, the car, part of money we get for hes home, premium bond money etc, well my younger sister organised the funeral , they didnt want me or my partner there but we went , stayed overnight at a bed and breakfast , went to the crematorium , my sister and her family were all there, not my other sister she lives in canada, well they all ignored us, and the upsetting thing for me was my younger sister told the vicar to read out my eulogy, which upset me, i wanted to read out my own, so i got up quick and read it out, and after the service i was again ignored by my sister and family, i did thank her for doing the funeral, and left, well next day my younger sisters husband went to wales from Nottingham and drove my dads car back to thier home without my consent, told me afterwards, which made me mad, i told my sister i wanted to do probate as she did the funeral, she said no problem but don't appoint a solicitor without my consent , its against the law, i said same to her also, i was looking for solicitors here where i live bishops stortford, hertfordshire, and mailed them to my sister, then all of a sudden on June 1st she e mailed me and said as i did little or nothing to get a solicitor she had appointed one herself, i mailed back and asked her who they were and where they were, no reply, well what with other things she was up too , like going to my dads place and taking things and being nasty to me, I contacted the citizens advice and they advised me to get a solicitor to write her a letter about her behaviour and remind her of what her duties are as an executor, well i did mail a few solicitors and ask them if they would write to my sister, but the cost was just way too high £300 to write to her, could not afford that , so i phoned the citizens advice again and was told to get a caveat that way she cannot do anything with my fathers estate, she cannot sell hes home, car nothing, so thats what i did, cost me £20, well i got a letter from a solicitor my sister appointed on June 19th to say she was appointed by my sister and it went on about me stepping down as executor, well i phoned this solicitor and explained to her i never ever would step down as executor , she told me my sister told her i wanted to step down as executor, well i told her she could not do probate as i had a caveat, i got it June 11th lasts 6 months and i can renew it if i wanted too, so that was that, i never heard from my sister for 6 wks after that, and she only got in touch with me as she wanted to sell my dads car! told her she could not sell it i have a caveat on the estate and thought she knew about it, that made her mad, re the car ,she did say there was damage on the passenger door , well i asked to see photos of the car , none have ever come to me, she sends everything via e mail, the will i could not read on line, she sent lots of documents on line i just cannot read them, she also got her son and husband to write nasty things about me on facebook, well i had had enough of her, so decided to contact a solicitor up in wales, where my dad lived, he wrote to my sister to ask if she would approve him do probate and deal with my dads estate, no reply did he get, so i gave the solicitor my sisters husbands mobile phone number its all i have , and he talked to my sister and she said she would agree to have him do probate if i stepped down as executor, well i would never do that and she knows it, so i replied no to that, i also mailed my sister via her husbands e mail which she told me to use and asked her if she would have this solicitor and i would lift the caveat, i told her its no good ignoring each other and we need to get this sorted out, well a few days later i got a nasty e mail from my sisters husband saying its the last time im forwarding your mails to your sister, and never ever give out my details to anyone , and he said if i mailed again he would just delete my mails without reading them, well i replied to that mail and told him my sister said i could use that e mail address and back came back a mail to me saying never mail me again! i have heard from the solicitor in wales he said he can still do probate if my sister agrees and he can represent us both, im ok with that but doubt my sister will be, im at a loss as to what to do now, I've been ill since my dad died, had at least 8 chest infections, ive got an enlarged heart too, got to see the cardiologist october 6th and ive been to Moorfields eye hospital in London, had tests etc there, ive got a bleed behind my left eye and when i went August 19th i was there four hours having tests and ive had an injecion in my left eye, guess ive more to have of those, i may go blind in that eye, my sister knew about my chest infections in the beginning but she mailed and said she didnt want an update of my health , so not told her of any of this whats been going on with me, i cannot sleep, im worried sick over my dads estate, they took my dads car , they told me its in thier garage, and they told friends of mine they have hidden it! she wont communicate with me at all, they ruined it for me at the funeral, now they are being nasty to me ive done nothing wrong, we were goign to go to my dads place to sort out things, my sister sent me a spare set of my dads house keys , but we couldn't go to wales it was the time when they were not allowing people into Wales, she mailed and asked if we ere not going to go to my dads why did i want the keys for? i explained to her we could not get into Wales they were not allowing you to , she wanted the keys back, well i never gave her the keys back, i did ask the solicitor about the keys , he told me to keep them, she did say i could keep them when she sent them to me, now she says if i dont return them to her im a thief, its theft she says! well its theft they took my dads car, and the biggest laugh of all is she works for our national health service here, she works at some psychiatric hospital in Nottingham, she's not caring at all, shes a bully , and she hides behind her husband and boys, gets her husband to mail me , dont mail me again on this e mail, she wont reply to the solicitor or my e mails, she hates the fact that my dad made me one of the executors, we did have a holiday every year up in wales so i could see my dad, we hired out a hoseasons lodge near where my dad lived, when i saw my dads coffin i wished it was me in there and not my dad, i never knew what he died off when i went to the funeral, i got an e mail the next day from my sister telling me, he had a partial blocked bile duct, sepsis and gallstones, so that was upsetting, i had to get my own death certificate and was horrified to find on there my sister had informed them he was born in Kensington london when he was born in Paddington London, i even said it in my eulogy , my dad told me he was born in st marys hospital paddington london, and my sister disagreed with me over it, and one of the things that was put on facebook said that i dont know where my dad was born, i wish i was with my dad now, it would of been hes birthday August 29th this year i had to get through that day on my own, my partner was working, im worried sick over all this with my sister, i have a sister in canada who ive not spoken to for years, my younger sister was upset that my elder sister only gets a third of what we sell hes home for, well thats what my dad wanted, both my sisters are doing this to me, causing problems for me, ignoring me now, not a way to act when 2 sisters are executors to my dads will, im loyal to my dad and always will be, sorry to go on but im at my wits end here, my asthma is playing up today its the stress of it all, take care christine

sodapop Thu 17-Sep-20 17:38:03

I know you are very distressed Stortfordrose but your post is very difficult to read. Would you be able to break down into paragraphs for easier reading please.

lemongrove Thu 17-Sep-20 17:45:18

What can I say?Families eh? There are more disputes arising from funerals than anything else in family life.Who gets what, why, and so on until the whole lot fall out with each other.
Two choices...walk away or fight it legally.

Luckygirl Thu 17-Sep-20 17:46:05

Stortfordrose - there is such a lot here - a lot of hurt and a lot of history in amongst your grief.

I think you need to concentrate on trying to remember your Dad - remember all the happy things you did together.

I do not think that you can change the past - the fallings-out with your family and so on - and it may be that you have to just let go and ignore it all, and find ways to respect your father's memory in your own way - maybe a tree, a plant, a bench - something that is yours and untainted by all the aggro.

I know that is hard because you feel aggrieved by their behaviour, but it is causing you pain and getting in the way of you remembering your Dad as you would wish to.


Namsnanny Thu 17-Sep-20 18:15:44

First of all my condolences on the death of your Father.

Secondly as Luckygirl said, you wont be able to unravel the difficulties you have with your sisters, as they seem to stem from historical problems.

Thirdly if you can write a down some of the most succinct points in a book and as your thoughts clear add to them.

For example for now have 4 headings:

My health, Sisters, Will, and Remembering Dad.

Under 'My Health' write down any appointments with GP's etc. and your health difficulties, and solutions, if any.

Under 'Will' write what you want to happen (even if it wont be) with an end date which is when the Caveat ends.
That will be enough for now

Under 'Sisters' put what they want and any grievances you have over their behaviour (vent your spleen, let it out!)

Under 'Remembering Dad' write anything you like that makes you think of better times. Anything and everything you can remember.

That should take some time!
Then re-read everything and see if you can make one small little change.

Concentrate on your health first of all.

Dont forget your Father wouldnt want your health to suffer, so put this to the forefront of your mind. You cant achieve anything if your ill.

Good luck.

BlueBelle Thu 17-Sep-20 18:24:24

I agree with the others you have two choices let it go or use a solicitor which will eat into whatever money you have
I m a bit unclear too I did try and read it all ...are there three sisters one in Canada and you ve all fell out at certain times and one was left out of most of the will and two Including you are executors ? Or was there four sisters, one in Canada an older and younger one and you ?
Why is it hard to let the car go?
Your health is being harmed your mental health is being harmed and your memories of your Dad are becoming tainted
You can easily send for your Dads birth certificate to prove where he was born
I don’t think you should do any more texts or Fb posts especially not to your brother in law
Would your dad want his daughters all in a pickle over his belongings I m sure he wouldn’t
It’s hard and you are obviously very emotionally and mentally tied up with the difficult happenings in this heartbreaking time
I d advise to let it all go and live with your memories of your Dad

Nonogran Fri 18-Sep-20 17:08:09

I am so sorry for your loss which must be so hard to bear given your siblings' behaviour & your ill health. It's at times like this when siblings should work as a team to get the best result for your collective peace of mind.
In your shoes, I'd stay off any social media so you cannot see what your sister (s) are writing and certainly, if you can't bear to temporarily drop your profile don't respond or indeed wash your troubles in public. Stop relying on your brother in law as an email go between and, use the legal route for all further dealings with your siblings. Do not use a solicitor as a counsellor because he'll charge by the minute so keep to the facts to get this phase of your life over with.
Sometimes we say more by saying nothing so be the bigger more intelligent daughter in this debacle and let the future unroll before you as you take each legal/probate step at a time. Keep your own counsel, be good mannered, walk away from arguments and above all, look after your own dear self. Make your dad proud, don't sink to the cat fight level. Hold your head up and look forward to a future free of the turmoil you're in. You'll see ....all will be well. Have faith, one day at a time.

Callistemon Fri 18-Sep-20 17:48:23

well my sister went to my dads the day after he died, got all the documents and told me im an executor along with her in my dads will, i asked for a copy of the will, they just sent it in an e mail,

Your father presumably used a solicitor to draw up his will, unless it was A DIY will (always fraught with danger).

I would contact your father's solicitor and explain what is happening. You cannot be removed as executor without your agreement. He or she should sort this out. Any payment required will come out of the estate, not from you directly.

I'm sorry about your father flowers

Msida Fri 02-Oct-20 18:07:38

Hi Stortfordrose I have come on here today for the exact same reason, I lost my husband in August and keep crying and scared

phoenix Fri 02-Oct-20 18:14:40

I'm sorry for your loss, but I really cannot read a post this long without it being broken down into paragraphs. flowers

welbeck Fri 02-Oct-20 18:52:07

that's a very good suggestion, Namsnanny.

Christine, i'm sorry to hear the turmoil you are in.
why do you not want to relinquish being an executor.
if your sister uses a solicitor for the probate etc then you can be reasonable sure that you will get what you are due from the will.
realistically, with all your health probems, and the complications caused by your sisters, it might be to your advantage to step down from being executor and let a solicitor get on with winding up the estate.
i wish you all the best.
maybe you could contact one of the clergy near you to talk about your loss. even if you are not churchy, most of them are very approachable and it may ease you to talk of your loss.

Chewbacca Fri 02-Oct-20 19:12:13

There's a great deàl of information in your post Stortfordrose but it's quite difficult to separate which part of your problems is causing you the most grief. Namsnanny has come up with an excellent suggestion as to how to deal with each problem so that they're easier and clearer for you to deal with. I hope that you manage to get some resolution.