What to do

So sorry for your loss. My mum asked me to go to the undertakers to see my dad, as I had not seen him for several months before he died, so I did but how I wish I hadn’t!!! He had deteriorated physically so badly and so quickly, he really did look skeletal and that image haunts me to this day, some 40 years later, whenever I think of him! I was with my dh in the hospital when he died last year, he had also deteriorated very rapidly in the few hours I spent with him, I was quite shocked! He had always been very proud of his handsome appearance, even in later life he never looked anywhere near his age, but when he died he looked every one of his 92 years, plus a hundred more! I gave the undertakers strict instructions that no one be allowed to see him, he would not have wanted to be remembered looking that way! I have a lovely photo of him taken just a couple of weeks before, eyes shining brightly and his beautiful smile, that’s how he would want to be remembered and he always will xxx

I did go and see my Dad, it did not look like him,,, so a year later when Mum left us I did not go and see her, wanted to remember her how she was.

Some people want to go and "chat" to their deceased loved one not necessarily to look at them. If you feel that would help you and your Dad could you do this with a closed coffin. Would still be in a funereal environment and you may be a bit overwhelmed. Perhaps the best way is to remember your DM as you saw her alive, with happier memories.

He is asking if you would like to do something that might make you feel better. If you are at all concerned that this will only make you feel worse then don't do it. Hang on to the good and happy memories.

My parents both died within a year of each other when I was in my twenties.
Dad died first. He was a lovely, gentle and very private man and the last thing he would have wanted was to have people staring at him in his coffin. He also had a post-mortem and I was not sure how his body would look so my mother and I both agreed that the coffin be closed. Neither of us saw him dead, he died in hospital just after midnight after a seven hour operation.
My Mum died a year later from a sudden heart attack, She was staying with relatives at the time. She had been taken to hospital with a 'DOA' label by the time we had driven up there. I spoke to the funeral directors that night and they arranged to have her body moved back to a local funeral director the day before the funeral. I will always remember my Mum saying in a conversation a year earlier that she wanted to be buried wearing her wedding ring as she believed it was part of the sacred contract between her and my father and no one else should wear it.
Six weeks after her funeral I received an envelope from the original Funeral Director containing my mother's wedding ring. I was distraught that I had not managed to get that one thing right for her. I wrote a very angry letter to the FD as I had specifically instructed him to make sure that she was buried wearing her wedding ring. His response was that they could not have held up the funeral for something like that. My response was "Why, she would not have been any less dead?"
So I didn't see either parent after they died. One of my father's relatives did complain that she had come all the way from Scotland for the funeral and had expected the coffin to be open. I pointed out that she had not visited him when he was alive so why did she want to see him when he was dead. I was obviously a very angry and upset young woman, in shock. I have my mother's wedding ring in my bedside drawer and obviously have never worn it. I have no idea what to do with it and it has been there for 46 years.

So sorry for your loss . I lost my mum in March last year. We cared for her at home after her terminal diagnosis. She had lost 27kg and I think I got through that time knowing that who I was caring for wasn’t my lovely mum, this very poorly lady looked nothing like my mum. I chose not to see her again and I’m happy with that decision. It’s a hard one but do what you feel is right for you. Hugs ?

Sorry for your loss. Your dear mum will look nothing like you are imagining she will look serene and peaceful they always do. My friend went to see her dad last week she was amazed at how at peace he looked after all treatments he’d had. If you can’t face it just wait outside I think would be nice to support your dad.

Tbh, I would say not now.

Seeing her shortly afterwards is one thing but if its been a couple of weeks and then you say the funeral is another couple of weeks away then Im sorry but its possibly too late anyway.

I saw my father at the funeral parlour but not my mum. Do what you feel comfortable with. I'm sorry for your loss.

Her soul flies free x I think it best to remember as she was x

I wouldn`t go... but that is me.. I don`t believe we have "lost" our loved ones, but that is me..

and as for not feeling guilty, easier said than done, apparently one of the stages of grieving...

lots of hugs and prayers for you and yours.

we are all different.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I myself have made the choice to not view. That is not how I want to remember my loved one. It is ok to say no if you dont care to.

I've seen all my relatives who have passed on. It's not how I remember them at all. Just to say my mum actually looked happy and that was a great comfort. However, of course it's up to the individual.

I didn't see my dad after he died,he had a heart attack and fell down a flight of stairs ,damaging his face .We were advised to close the coffin without viewing him.27 years later I still miss him and regret not seeing him to say goodbye.I was with my mother as she drew her last breathe and I have closure but not with my lovely dad and if I'd seen him I would have accepted it easier..I think .

When my closest friend died very suddenly, I wanted to see her and said my goodbyes in the chapel of rest. However it is a very personal choice, do what you are comfortable with. You are allowed to go to funerals, sadly we had to go to the funeral of my DHs brother in law in January, the maximum allowed there was 26.

I'm so sorry for you loss. Mums are such special people.
I saw my dear Dad in the chapel of rest. It was a comfort and actually it's not a massive memory for me. Just part of lots of other lovely memories. It helped with closure and I'm glad I did it. A quiet, by myself moment to kiss his forehead & whisper "Cheerio Dad. See you soon." He was only 57.

Sometimes seeing your loved one helps you to grieve and accept what has happened. I lost my Dad during the Lockdown last summer, was unable to visit him in his Carehome for several weeks prior to his death, and unable to visit him at the Funeral home due to the restriction placed upon him due to the fact that he had been in a hospital with other Covid patients, even though he did not have it himself.
It now feels rather unreal, no proper funeral to attend, not with him as he passed away, not attending the undertakers or the Chapel of rest afterwards, or holding a wake in his Honour.
It’s not an easy decision to make, and one that may be influenced by your passed personal experiences of dealing with the death of a loved one. I was pleased that l did see my own Mum in the early 1990s, but l had been a nurse for many years and had become comfortable with dealing with such situations.

Is it possible, if you are supporting your father, to take him there but not actually go in yourself?

If you wait outside, you will be there to support him when he comes out.

For some people it's a comfort, for others, something they regret.
Only you can decide, but I would say to go with your gut feeling about it.

I'm sorry that you have lost your mum and like the others, think that you should not go to the chapel of rest.

I lost my mum to dementia and the last few years of looking after her were awful so it was a relief when she died. I think that, when someone has dementia, you may have mourned losing the person before they die.

It is a very personal choice. Sometimes people need closure, to begin to grieve, to say their final good-byes. Sometimes they accept the passing, and don't need that starting point for their own grief, can accept what has happened and as we say, remember them as they were.
I never visited my parents that way as I had seen them shortly before and with my mum, shortly afterwards.
I am sorry for your loss- decide for yourself what you wish to do. There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to grief.

I remember my mum telling me not to go and see someone who had died. She said that would be how you would remember them instead of the person they were when living.

I understand and agree what you say about getting comfort from such a visit. I would just like to remember her how she was and I get comfort from thinking she’s in a better place and reunited with her parents and her 6 aunts and families . Thank you for your condolences.

Some people find comfort in visiting the chapel of rest, others find it upsetting and it becomes the first thing they see in their minds when they think of their loved one. What do you feel you would regret most? Going or not going? If all you have now are the memories of her then I would say keep and make the ones that will comfort you, especially if your Dad will understand. Plus, it may be at odds with current rules which might support your decision. My best wishes and so sorry for your loss.

Thank you Midgey and Grandmajet very good advice that’s much appreciated.